Help | About | Suggestions | Alms | Chat [0] | Users [0] | Log In | Join
 Search:
Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments   

Amber's Witness (Free verse) by cyan9
Dwelling in the rust that gilds the woodland floor, Injecting the pathway to the cycle beyond the doors Back into the open arms of a wilting chestnut tree. Silver slid up the track marks through cambium into being, Ascending to the fire that spoke from each and every leaf, Elevating the witness higher into the branches, the furnace. Sap lit and glistening beads dripped; And when the fires dimmed, and smoldered again They were held stationary, like frozen shards of rain. Brushing aside the curtain of glistening droplets, Peering into the embers within: The glow of a dying fire, A heartbeat for autumn's oncoming.

Up the ladder: Geraldine Florentine, MD

You must be logged in to leave comments. Vote:

Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
 GraphVotes
10  .. 10
.. 10
.. 21
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 10

Arithmetic Mean: 7.1666665
Weighted score: 5.5827065
Overall Rank: 2351
Posted: November 19, 2005 3:58 PM PST; Last modified: November 20, 2005 2:16 AM PST
View voting details
Comments:
[8] Dovina @ 69.175.32.104 | 19-Nov-05/4:35 PM | Reply
A good take on leaves and cycles. Line 2 seems to have an "and" and a "the" too many. Track marks in bark might better be under cambium - just a suggestion.
[n/a] cyan9 @ 84.12.150.59 > Dovina | 20-Nov-05/2:07 AM | Reply
A very good suggestion at that. I'd never come across that word before and it also would go in vein with the hint of narcotics that I was trying to add there. Its downside is that it takes out the rhyme from marks in the bark which speeds up the pace at that point. But I think I may use your suggestion and also bring the narcotic theme out a bit.
[n/a] ALChemy @ 24.74.101.159 | 20-Nov-05/6:38 AM | Reply
Reminds me of back home in PA. This is good solid descriptive poetry.

I like the juxtaposition of the metalic terms with the forest setting. I wish there were a few more of them to maintain that contrast and add even more depth.

I see some tendencies in your work to focus on evoking the emotion through elaborate description, which is great, don't get me wrong but I'm left wondering what other styles you might have in your arsonal. Poems can also make us think and/or rethink ideas of something and poems can also tell you a good story. I mean if this is your thing and you'd rather focus on it, well that's fine. I just think your capabilities are much wider than this.
I also am guessing alot of these poems were written timewise in close proximity to one another because many of the descriptions and metaphors you use recur in your other poems. That happens to me whenever I write alot of poems in a short timespan.
[n/a] cyan9 @ 84.12.150.59 > ALChemy | 20-Nov-05/2:40 PM | Reply
All of the pieces that I have on this site were written in the last month or so, with the exception of Nail Biter and Haven that were written closer to the beginning of the year. I develop my styles as I go, and have been going for about 10 years and pretty much develop a different style each season. This style suits me well for public use, it is strong in imagery and lets the reader experience your journey without knowing where they have gone, and so is easier for me use on open mike.... I have a lot of different styles that I have utilised, and quite often left behind me. It will Wednesday before I can put anything else up; but I'll put up a couple from this series of pieces that describe an imaginary 'fiend' called Dr Herbert Cyan, its a bit darker and a lot more twisted than the usual; but it tells the story well.
[n/a] ALChemy @ 24.74.101.159 > cyan9 | 20-Nov-05/11:18 PM | Reply
Looking forward to it.
[9] eliastemplar @ 204.117.159.226 | 20-Nov-05/7:33 PM | Reply
I think it might be more provokative, and better flowing to change "autumn's oncoming" to "autumn's coming".
[n/a] cyan9 @ 217.40.63.105 > eliastemplar | 21-Nov-05/7:48 AM | Reply
It would definately be more provokative, thats for sure. Why not go the whole hog and go for "A pulse for autumn's sprogging."
[8] zodiac @ 217.144.7.195 | 21-Nov-05/9:15 AM | Reply
My one suggestion is to avoid overloading your poem with adjective phrases (ie, "dwelling in the rust", "injecting the pathway", "ascending to the fire", etc.) Change almost all of them to other formulations, give it some grammatical variety.
I like that you use tons of great verbs in your poems - one of the great weaknesses of this site's users is verblessness - but by making them all -ing, you make them a lot more passive than they should be. Off the top of my head, I'd say make the first line "It dwells in rust that gilds the woodland floor" and go from there. No, that's not the best possible way to phrase that line, but it's heading in the right direction, and this isn't my poem to edit, anyway.

Suggestion #2: Consider dropping about half of the "the"s.
[10] dclark @ 71.29.8.221 | 1-Aug-07/9:07 AM | Reply
This makes my moods change, I go from a worried, to a happier more secure feeling. I like this. Its a very good piece. My Favorite out of all of your work.
216 view(s)




Track and Plan your submissions ; Read some Comics ; Get Paid for your Poetry
PoemRanker Copyright © 2001 - 2023 - kaolin fire - All Rights Reserved
All poems Copyright © their respective authors
An internet tradition since June 9, 2001