Replying to a comment on:

Amber's Witness (Free verse) by cyan9

Dwelling in the rust that gilds the woodland floor, Injecting the pathway to the cycle beyond the doors Back into the open arms of a wilting chestnut tree. Silver slid up the track marks through cambium into being, Ascending to the fire that spoke from each and every leaf, Elevating the witness higher into the branches, the furnace. Sap lit and glistening beads dripped; And when the fires dimmed, and smoldered again They were held stationary, like frozen shards of rain. Brushing aside the curtain of glistening droplets, Peering into the embers within: The glow of a dying fire, A heartbeat for autumn's oncoming.

zodiac 21-Nov-05/9:15 AM
My one suggestion is to avoid overloading your poem with adjective phrases (ie, "dwelling in the rust", "injecting the pathway", "ascending to the fire", etc.) Change almost all of them to other formulations, give it some grammatical variety.
I like that you use tons of great verbs in your poems - one of the great weaknesses of this site's users is verblessness - but by making them all -ing, you make them a lot more passive than they should be. Off the top of my head, I'd say make the first line "It dwells in rust that gilds the woodland floor" and go from there. No, that's not the best possible way to phrase that line, but it's heading in the right direction, and this isn't my poem to edit, anyway.

Suggestion #2: Consider dropping about half of the "the"s.




Track and Plan your submissions ; Read some Comics ; Get Paid for your Poetry
PoemRanker Copyright © 2001 - 2024 - kaolin fire - All Rights Reserved
All poems Copyright © their respective authors
An internet tradition since June 9, 2001