Re: Amber's Witness by cyan9	zodiac 217.144.7.195	21-Nov-05/9:15 AM
My one suggestion is to avoid overloading your poem with adjective phrases (ie, "dwelling in the rust", "injecting the pathway", "ascending to the fire", etc.) Change almost all of them to other formulations, give it some grammatical variety. I like that you use tons of great verbs in your poems - one of the great weaknesses of this site's users is verblessness - but by making them all -ing, you make them a lot more passive than they should be. Off the top of my head, I'd say make the first line "It dwells in rust that gilds the woodland floor" and go from there. No, that's not the best possible way to phrase that line, but it's heading in the right direction, and this isn't my poem to edit, anyway. Suggestion #2: Consider dropping about half of the "the"s.
Re: Night song of Pattaya by Caducus	Caducus 172.203.50.222	21-Nov-05/9:19 AM
Grey as kerbs - grey upon grey, plinths for statues frozen in time commemorating nothing but filth.
Re: Due Consideration by Dovina	zodiac 217.144.7.195	21-Nov-05/9:51 AM
Well, at least ignoring reason ignores any ways of determining whether you're better off unreasonable except the unreasonable ones.
Re: Night song of Pattaya by Caducus	zodiac 217.144.7.195	21-Nov-05/10:04 AM
"Masterpieces" seems an extremely poor word choice. Not only does it add nothing of significance to "painted", but "painted" doesn't add anything significant to it. They're not redundant, but they're the closest thing. And aren't these kids much more comparable to bagatelle or objets d'art, something cheap, mass-produced, and marketed for the poor unaesthetic masses? Even better: painted-tin Virgin icons!!!
regarding some deleted poem...	zodiac 217.144.7.195	21-Nov-05/10:05 AM
The last stanza's a double-negative. Did you mean that?
Re: Taste Ghazni by eliastemplar	zodiac 217.144.7.195	21-Nov-05/10:07 AM
incense, burqas. Otherwise, good. How's the kebab these days?
Re: Prejudice and Racism by TLRufener	zodiac 217.144.7.195	21-Nov-05/10:09 AM
How did you make it from "Skin doesn't matter to America's children" to "Prejudice and racism are here to stay"? Did it hurt?
Re: The Rose by sk8rs_rule_all	zodiac 217.144.7.195	21-Nov-05/10:18 AM
You're young, so we'll go easy: There is an extremely famous movie called The Rose, featuring an extremely famous song called The Rose. It's regrettable, but we've decided it's best if no one ever names anything The Rose ever again. Thanks, The Human Race
regarding some deleted poem...	zodiac 217.144.7.195	21-Nov-05/10:24 AM
sp=avarice. You have no reason to take my word for this, but the formulation "as [something in present tense], I [something in present tense]" is the clumsiest in the world. Besides, "as" is unnecessary; given two sentences in present tense in a row, we'll all assume they happen either simultaneously or one-immediately-after-the-other. Otherwise, not bad.
regarding some deleted poem...	LilMsLadyPoet 24.162.238.185	21-Nov-05/2:49 PM
I am wondering abut the usage of waken...shouldn't that be 'awaken'? Other than that, I think it would be lovely in a children's book, with a picture.
regarding some deleted poem...	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	21-Nov-05/4:29 PM
Nothing like a little quicky now and then to keep you goin'. Thanks -9-
Re: The Rise of Dr Herbert Cyan by cyan9	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	21-Nov-05/5:04 PM
Good, you decided to continue the story. I know you hate movie comparisons but often when I read your work I think "Requiem for a Dream". To me that's a good thing. I expect this series to be quite a wild ride.
Re: Tough Love by Crann Mascher	T. Jonathron Remp 70.243.153.92	21-Nov-05/8:33 PM
10 for meretriciousness
Re: "46 million babies a year" by -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.	nocturnalism 129.8.191.51	22-Nov-05/12:32 AM
Another heartfelt classic indeed. I'm looking forward to the day you publish a composium of your best works.
Re: Due Consideration by Dovina	zodiac 212.118.19.188	22-Nov-05/12:53 AM
PS-Your gift: Q: If we could surgically remove a patient's negative emotions, and it worked better than meditation, should we do it? DALAI LAMA: Yes. Q: What if the patient didn't want us to surgically remove his negative emotions? DALAI LAMA: Use force, with good intentions. -from the Annual Conference of the Society for Neuroscience November 12, 2005
Re: Devictus by nocturnalism	zodiac 212.118.19.59	22-Nov-05/3:30 AM
You let God beat you. Probably without any exertion on His part.
Re: One Second by TLRufener	zodiac 212.118.19.59	22-Nov-05/3:31 AM
In one second my little brother can fit an entire Big Mac in his mouth.
regarding some deleted poem...	Caducus 172.203.50.222	22-Nov-05/5:51 AM
and therefore....silence.
Re: One Second by TLRufener	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	22-Nov-05/6:14 AM
Sounds like Eminem for some reason. Maybe I read it too fast.
Re: Devictus by nocturnalism	cyan9 217.40.63.105	22-Nov-05/7:56 AM
I like the melancholy here, the images of your head being bowed in shame, and the horror of the shade all add to the power and make for colourful language, however all words that you use are relatively simple, and so it reminds me of the Beefeaters at the Tower of London in the UK, who tell children stories of its dark and bloody past. The range and grab of the feelings here are extensive for a dark poem, which usually just try to get the reader to feel sorry for them; I think thats a good thing.