Re: hah by xanthippe	Sisterwolf 207.69.137.41	28-Dec-05/12:15 PM
I have no legs because I am a superb example of frog-ness, and my legs really are my best feature. I wish I had something constructive to offer - but shock value poetry doesn't do it for me. No barbed comment back, please, I really care.
regarding some deleted poem...	Sisterwolf 207.69.137.41	28-Dec-05/12:18 PM
I offer critiques in all sincerity, so, I think you could rework this a bit - 3rd line: shortening it or The trick is in darting between the teeth. . . as a suggestion. Tapping them on the tongue is great
Re: Regime Change by Nicholas Jones	Sisterwolf 207.69.137.41	28-Dec-05/12:23 PM
Your absolutes rock. This would be better as an essay, in my opinion. Needs a cleanup of punctuation and spelling, and you need a space between until and when. I think you have a good piece to trim and mold into a really nice essay.
Re: As we lay by rahson_s	Dovina 209.247.222.94	28-Dec-05/2:13 PM
It's like you wrote this quickly and sloppily - inconsistent capitals, unclear references, missing periods.
Re: Follow The Rainbow by forestchild7	Sisterwolf 207.69.137.20	28-Dec-05/6:56 PM
Lots of love here. I think it would do well with some pruning and tightening up, endline repair, and pruning. It is jagged to read, needs a smoother flow to do justice to your thoughts.
Re: youre there... by PhSbLoNdE569	Sisterwolf 207.69.137.20	28-Dec-05/6:58 PM
Such angst. This really needs tightening and endline cohesion of some kind - as is it rambles all over the page. Take it from me, add punctuation, it gives edges and smoothes out the bumps.
Re: lip balm by FreeFormFixation	Sisterwolf 207.69.137.20	28-Dec-05/7:01 PM
Cute. Maybe a stretch for rhyme though, my friend. line 6 is out of synch... could omit 'trapped and'. Cheese wigs is not a familiar term to me, so am supposing it is a bug??
Re: Artificial Reality by PK	Sisterwolf 207.69.138.7	28-Dec-05/7:06 PM
There are a lot of good basics here, but it yaws in order to make certain statements. Line two of verse 2 should be 'has opened' - don't sacrifice good grammer to achieve an end.
Re: Grieving by d35	Sisterwolf 207.69.138.7	28-Dec-05/7:09 PM
Some deep emotions here. Line 7 should say 'ground' instead of grown. The odd spacing tears up your cohesiveness. When you have good stuff to say, it doesn't need a lot of odd punctuation . . . A rewrite would be my suggestion. I would love to read it if you do one.
Re: Virgin by MacFrantic	Sisterwolf 207.69.138.7	28-Dec-05/7:12 PM
Second verse, lines 2 and 3 don't make a clear statement, at least to me. Good basics here - needs spit and polish.
Re: order of events by skaskowski	Sisterwolf 207.69.138.7	28-Dec-05/7:14 PM
Just a first thought I had... numbering detracts from the power of your words. Need a capital S in first line. Repetitive she lends it a rhythm.
Re: Death's Cold Eyes by forestchild7	Sisterwolf 207.69.138.7	28-Dec-05/7:19 PM
In my opinion, using thine and thys is risky. Those are usually used in reference to a deity. None of the tone of the rest of your work uses formal English to match. Hateness is not a word. There is an incongruity with soldiers out of breath...smacks of reaching for a rhyme. Next to last line -thine is not proper - thy is correct. Last line, there is no need for an apostrophe with see's... the apostrophe makes a possessive. Same on fourth line from bottom - no apostrophe.
Re: Old Friends by sliver	Sisterwolf 207.69.138.7	28-Dec-05/7:22 PM
I know poetry used to have all first line capitals, but I feel it lends to the flow if second lines are in small case.
Re: Old Friends by sliver	Sisterwolf 207.69.138.7	28-Dec-05/7:26 PM
Intranet, may I point out that I got scolded for having made no useful criticism - ie, great work, etal. This poem has no constructive criticism at all. No big deal, but I thought about what you said and have been critiquing to help because I thought praise was not acceptable comment. Peace!
Re: Hoi Polloi by INTRANSIT	Caducus 172.213.114.74	29-Dec-05/4:18 AM
Cute observation.
Re: why? by nentwined	Caducus 172.213.114.74	29-Dec-05/4:19 AM
no crimson?
Re: For Love of Baseball by Dovina	Caducus 172.213.114.74	29-Dec-05/4:32 AM
I like the end it wraps it up well
Re: Memoirs of a miners son by Caducus	INTRANSIT 64.12.116.67	29-Dec-05/6:26 AM
Good good good good good. Anvil eyed. Daimler. Could you make it longer? Seems shor for memoirs. 9.5
Re: Bleeding by Hadasl	INTRANSIT 64.12.116.67	29-Dec-05/6:33 AM
Stanza one is good. Stanza 2 does not carry the maturity of the first. Stanza 3, line 4 needs work. End period please.
Re: My Christmas Gift by celticskatermatt1	INTRANSIT 64.12.116.67	29-Dec-05/6:35 AM
I'll echo the six. Read this aloud to yourself and you'll be able to fix it easily.