And, on we go. Nice clean-up. I personally would not mind if you stayed.

I am setting myself for a blast from others, but - this really isn't bad - a little forced, but it does have the flavor of English poets of Blake's era. Personally, I love that kind of poetry, but you take a real risk posting it where it isn't seen in its best light. And would that I could leave him! "He, whose tone has pierced me through; Clad in white and softly smiling, With my tender heart left writhing, As these shameless tears renew." I would have put a comma after left - to emphasize writhing, but that's me, not you. This verse I chose was really strong, could use some tweaking, but it is very good. "And so, young poet, clad in black, merely a few things your words do lack. Hone thy skills with grace and labor, that they might not be smote with tabor."

First thing I thought of was Audrey 2 in "Little Shop of Horrors"... I was disconcerted by how a green gleaming occasioned a blue flash - but I saw talent buried in there somewhere.

Very clever - yet I felt it needed more words to build a foundation.

Note: artifact not artefact I see something here that could be pounded and molded into a quite good poem - but it seems scattered. Maybe a rewrite would give you further ideas.

Explain the "Infield fly rule" to him and he's likely to propose to you on the spot.

'mernin. I was too tired too read this last night. This morning is much better. I'm having trouble with the homerun. These days, homers happen all the time. Unless you're making a sexual refrence.

the poison/blowgun/darts part needs redone. I think finding another image would be better. The last line jingles, perhaps another path to try.

I think you are relying on shock value to carry your write. The lines "sorry, where was I", and "uh, anyway" really disturb the flow. Granny grinding and necrophelia are disturbing concepts that need to be offered with much more seriousness and devotion to art.

This sounds like a rant. Not to do with poetry, but anger. It looks hurriedly done and slapped together. Not capitalizing I - i - is an affectation. You must proofread or no one will take you seriously. I understand your rage - but present it boldly done, and seriously done. Spelling such as, Kewl always turns me off. Use the English language, we all know what cool is. Harness your emotions into well done form and they can give heft to your work.

I commited the same sin with punctuation - so this advise comes from experience. This is a wad of chewing tobacco that will choke the reader right into leaving. note - could of/NO - could HAVE/yes use caps for pronoun I - proofread for spelling and punctuation, as well as grammar. If you are new to poetry, please do not bristle at critiques - as I have a keen tendency to do. I assure you my remarks come from an Editor's standpoint and the desire to help young people use the English language.

I could have gone with the last two lines standing on their own merit - haiku-like. A hail of body parts, were they flagellating or using a Cuisenart

Honey, I feel and share your hurt. You have a basis here for a good poem. Sometimes I cannot critique in the proper way, so with your forgiveness, I have written the poem another way - as a learning tool - your words are always yours. I'm not so happy, I fake it all All I desire is never have to crawl. Whenever I laugh or smile, it's fake enough to see for a mile. They laughed and made fun of me, without the courage to look in and see my thoughts, my feelings, my heart. My grades were bad, but I knew I was smart. When tears rolled down my face, they tied me with frayed and dirty lace. "Tie her hands first", they yell. Bury her in flowers so won't smell. As I listened to all of their plan, they took off my mask, I was a man. "Don't hurt him, they said, he's a boy. As they untied me and me aside, "How about her. Let's all decide." Prejudice came to live with me that day, that's all that, now I nothing more to say.

Was this a parody of poetry? Because if it isn't, you are not serious about your craft. I have but one suggestion, toss it and try again.

I wish that you would not delete the comments when you make a revision. We can see which ones came after the revision by looking at the time stamps. You will find, if you stay here long, that poeple who delete comments get few. Thank you for the periods and the clarifications. It's better now.

This has promise. At the moment, reading it, I feel it is an essay on aerobics. First line: pretty good second line: I really know what you are trying to say, but feel 'sutured' is out of sync... maybe a word like ululating, which is the sound of passion, goes with woodwind line 3:4:5 are a solid body to work around spare me the "final splat" - is that ejaculation? If it refers to death - its grinding jaws in stereo.

I am speechless!

First, be adult enough not to answer my comment with some poisoned barb. . . I do believe you achieved your goal - this little tit has garnered more comments than decent ones. I was a Hospice Nurse for 25 years and regard AIDS with respect, presenting it in ways that will uplift and educate.

HHHHHHHmmmmmmm - all my comments are offered as sincere and to be of help. Hypothermia doesn't occur due to rain of a normal nature. There is a good base here- maybe, He died by morning left lifeless It rained in the night just suggestions - but there is a kernal here I really like.

This has real promise - drop the capital letters, we will still know who a boss is... obsequious doesn't seem to fit there - maybe, hard-sell vendors vendor - not vender Actually if you could end line a bit more smoothly that would really help. Sure is worth a working over!