crazyknight
on Hoi Polloi by INTRANSIT
26 Dec 2005, 8:50 PM
hhmmmmmmmmmmmmm not sure what to make of this.
no meaning in existence
the english needs a lot of brushing. the smooth flow is missing, but the skeleton is beautifully firm.
its good, the future is uncertain, but would u want a certain future.
more sister wolf. remember you are not alone. god ia always with you. be in peace.
I stood in line once thinking about something I'd huffed about, and loved it, but I wouldn't do it in line. Time bore down on nine months and nothing happened.
The wording is complecated in the first few lines, and the lack of periods makes it difficult to follow. On second reading, it went smoother. It's the opposite of cliche, and quite interesting.
Marcellus' image is that the cock crows at Christmastime to keep (bad) spirits away. That's basically your image, too, except Marcellus/Shakespeare had to work for it and you didn't. To keep it here, you're going to add something to Marcellus' information - make the image your own.
Nice sentiment, poor execution.
.............
May I suggest that you have inadvertently written a happy, optimistic poem? A pathless heart is the easiest kind to love, the most adaptable, the most able to join another heart.
Didn't like the ending.
My best suggestion is that you start reading real poetry. Here's a good place to start: http://www.poems.com/archive.htm
This was probably good before you shift-F7'ed it into oblivion
50 years ago, an American student your age could have recited William Cullen Bryant's "Thanatopsis" from memory. I'm not saying we're not better off than people were 50 years ago, but do *you* know what thanatopsis means?
A heart THAT never beats.
Interesting image, words falling deaf. When most people would say words fell mute, or words fell on deaf ears. Seriously, why don't you try saying what YOU, DancingShamrock, mean, instead of saying what a million people before you meant? I think you would do better that way, is all.
No, it's not too much to ask. My advice: Ditch him.
My other advice: In almost every relationship I've ever seen, there's a balance between the amount of respect you give and the amount of respect you get. If you treat him like a god, he HAS TO treat you like a god treats a bug - and squash you. If you claim some respect for yourself, he has to respect you. Next guy (and there will be a next guy), show him what you're good at, what you're better at than he is (and I don't mean that you're good at being a bug). Make him feel like he's screwed up from time to time. Make him feel like YOU'RE better than HE is. Then before you know it you'll be thirty and have a guy who thinks you're better than he is while you think he's better than you are. Then you win and get married. Trust me.
Never use ellipses (...) in a poem. Ever.
Once, a reporter dared Ernest Hemmingway to write a short story in only six words. His answer - "For sale: baby shoes. Never used."