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Train of Thought (Prose Poem) by Sisterwolf
My Aunt Donna’s little shotgun house huddled by the train crossing, hunched down and worn Honeysuckle grew like kudzu over the walls of an old garage that leaned in the south wind I would pluck a blossom and weave it into my hair, playing princess in a life where no royalty was mine to attain, except princess of poverty Thick black soot smoked through the thick chimney, sending blackened cinders to alight on the honeysuckle and the dog and Donna’s just washed laundry, scrubbed with lye soap When they switched and hitched cars it sounded like heaven crying out in throes of childbirth The conductor leaned far out the window and waved at us as we played in the yard, and we waved back as if he was the President or a king The tracks ran around a curve and headed out over the plains, hooting into the summer wind It was a lonesome sound that made tears come to my child’s eyes, and I never understood why I would watch that miles-long train wind its way, wishing I could climb aboard and chug to places far away from the meals of beans and tatties Chug out to a land where no voices were raised Chug out to someplace that would be insane with riches and wonders and goings-on a child can only imagine a very little bit, but it would be better than the dirty house, the beer bottles and whiskey glasses, and not enough to eat It would take me away to a place where working in the mill or out at Chaney’s Cherry Cannery was not even a distant dream, free from labor so endless and mindless that the brain felt packed in wool and wrapped in a paper bag My tears were for things I only half understood All I know is I remember that train snaking across the prairie in escape to better places and times

Down the ladder: Mittens

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Arithmetic Mean: 7.0
Weighted score: 5.537883
Overall Rank: 2541
Posted: December 23, 2005 1:19 PM PST; Last modified: December 23, 2005 1:19 PM PST
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Comments:
[8] Dovina @ 69.175.32.104 | 23-Dec-05/3:00 PM | Reply
Why not use periods at sentence ends? You've used commas, and I think the addition of periods would make it read smoother. Otherwise good.
[10] deleted user @ 204.97.18.79 | 23-Dec-05/5:17 PM | Reply
I love the language in this poem and your use of alliteration. good job.
[9] zodiac @ 70.109.2.131 | 24-Dec-05/9:44 AM | Reply
"in escape" in the last line could be better worded. And I agree with whoever said you should put some periods at the ends of your sentences. Possibly also break up this big block of text into couplets or tercets. (Yes, I know it's supposed to be endless as a train, but poemranker's fixed-width text makes long stretches like this look positively Everestlike.) Otherwise, this isn't bad. I wasn't blown away, but you kept me reading til the end.
[5] nentwined @ 64.60.192.131 | 26-Dec-05/6:13 PM | Reply
This has ome nice images, and a decent sentiment, but some of it is just too hackneyed. Punctuation would definitely help the reader follow what is written, but I don't know if that would really help the poem.
[9] INTRANSIT @ 64.12.116.67 | 26-Dec-05/8:03 PM | Reply
Hmm. Periods, maybe. But without them it reads more like a child. Since it was a childs memory, this is ok by me. Periods would make it seem written more maturely, maybe too intently. Sorry I can't reach both ends of my shoelace this eve.
[7] crazyknight @ 202.83.45.163 | 26-Dec-05/9:01 PM | Reply
more sister wolf. remember you are not alone. god ia always with you. be in peace.
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