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Memoirs of a miners son (Free verse) by Caducus Anvil eyed my Father glanced at me
"dress me well for Karen he said".
He drew his breaths like a 'Davy lamp'
As I brushed his hair with still hands.
This man would leave for work golden
And return a shadow who left my lips black
reading me Whitman as I slept
and living poetry each day I woke.
My Father was Sicilian
The miners called him Brando
My Mother called him Darling
And I just called for him
And he'd always return to me
With something carved from coal.
He had no last words for me
Just a smile and a squeeze of my hand
And then he was twenty three again
In a Daimler with Karen
Driving to Loch Lomond
With forty two shillings
Two smiles and two rings
And her Fathers wrath.
Up the ladder:
Elopement
Down the ladder:
Pilgrim
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 7.8333335
Posted: December 29, 2005 3:24 AM PST; Last modified: February 7, 2006 4:15 AM PSTWeighted score: 5.7620006 Overall Rank: 1800 Comments:
[10]
INTRANSIT @ 64.12.116.67
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29-Dec-05/6:26 AM
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Reply
Good good good good good. Anvil eyed. Daimler. Could you make it longer? Seems shor for memoirs. 9.5
Line 3 should i say: he drew his breaths like a miners pick
instead of heroes sword? Its a draft for sure but thanks cldtrucky
Cldtrucky? cute. Hey, have you submitted anything offline/ by mail anywhere? If so, what was the result. Thanks.
Thanks C. you can't e-mail me anything at the moment. Cldtrky is non-operational and when I put it back up I'm sure it will be something else. People keep telling me I should get my feet wet but I keep asking myself "why?". That is to say I cannot come up with a valuable and logical reason to seek publication. Would you share your reasoning? I'm always open to opinion, even if I don't like it. Thanks again. Merry Bearings and Happy hydraulics to you.
This is an excellent poem. You could play around with line breaks for the heck of it to try to add a little extra punch, but other than that I would'nt change a thing. wonderful job.
Do you mean, '"Dress me well for Karen," he said.'?
Very elegantly descriptive. Except for the punctuation, i don't think i need to comment further. I admire a poet's view for what he writes. So no changes.
You've admitted to being sloppy about grammar, so I'll do it for you:
Memoirs of a miner's son Anvil-eyed, my Father glanced at me. "Dress me well for Karen", he said. He drew his breaths like a hero's sword As I brushed his hair with still hands. This man would leave for work golden And return a shadow who left my lips black, reading me Whitman as I slept and living poetry each day I woke. My Father was Sicilian; The miners called him Brando, My Mother called him Darling, And I just called for him. And he'd always return to me With something carved from coal. He had no last words for me, Just a smile and a squeeze of my hand, And then he was twenty three again In a Daimler with Karen, Driving to Loch Lomond With forty two shillings, Two smiles and two rings, And her Father's wrath. Good. All-around good.
damn, that smarts.
very excellent.
Changed line 3 to davy lamp as it makes a wheezing sound when lit and is used for mining.
I think its better than heroes sword.
Agreed. I still think this is great.
Very good. Anvil eyed needs a hyphen or the anvil is doing the eying. Davy lamp doesn't need quotation marks, and is a much more relevant and precise image than hero's sword. The details give it pathos and I think it benefits from not being overloaded with adjectives.
As usual, beautifully emotive...certainly a talent of yours!
I hate to keep heaping praise upon you because I'm sure your head is swelling as I write this, but I can't help it. I'l give it a 10 if you can make it longer and it's still this good.
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