| Re: Memoirs of a miners son by Caducus |
Caducus 172.213.114.74 |
29-Dec-05/7:33 AM |
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Line 3 should i say: he drew his breaths like a miners pick
instead of heroes sword?
Its a draft for sure but thanks cldtrucky
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| Re: Crowded by INTRANSIT |
Caducus 172.213.114.74 |
29-Dec-05/7:35 AM |
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| Re: For Love of Baseball by Dovina |
amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.37 |
29-Dec-05/10:08 AM |
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i know nothing about baseball and am very poor at outdoor sport, so i don't think my vote would be fair. nevertheless, it is a nice poem and i think i'll vote when i connect with this properly. till then, please excuse me.
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| Re: Runaway by Cairsten |
Dan garcia-Black 209.247.222.45 |
29-Dec-05/10:13 AM |
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.37 |
29-Dec-05/10:19 AM |
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How does one know that millions of souls fly into space?
ha ha just kidding. Good work, though. :-)
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| Re: Romans 8:28 by amanda_dcosta |
amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.37 |
29-Dec-05/11:03 AM |
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Romans 8:28.... All things work for good to those that love the Lord..............
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| Re: War (edit) by zodiac |
amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.37 |
29-Dec-05/11:18 AM |
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It's good. I've read it and re-read it, and each time it sounds better.
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| Re: Night Work by forestchild7 |
Sisterwolf 207.69.138.138 |
29-Dec-05/1:08 PM |
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I do see one thing that might help you - don't
use and anymore than you have to. As in line 12, the first and could easily be eliminated - another thing you can do is use commas instead of and, you will convey your meaning and it's much smoother. I really do like this very much.
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| Re: Memoirs of a miners son by Caducus |
some deleted user 204.97.18.77 |
29-Dec-05/1:28 PM |
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This is an excellent poem. You could play around with line breaks for the heck of it to try to add a little extra punch, but other than that I would'nt change a thing. wonderful job.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
some deleted user 204.97.18.77 |
29-Dec-05/1:37 PM |
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Not as good as some of your other stuff--but it did make chuckle, and that earns a 9.
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| Re: Romans 8:28 by amanda_dcosta |
some deleted user 204.97.18.77 |
29-Dec-05/2:00 PM |
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Are the first two stanzas an intro of sorts, with a different rhythm? I can feel the rhythm in the last six stanzas but not in the first two. Also in line 4, stanza 1, is it supposed to read "there's a million" or "millions of?" And in stanza two, line 3, is it supposed to read "thread," as you have it, or "tread." Sorry if I seem nit-picky but an answer to these questions is helpful in getting a true handle on the poem.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
INTRANSIT 205.188.116.69 |
29-Dec-05/2:22 PM |
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Incorrect. the warnings say nothing about falling off or causing laughter. up your alley!
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| Re: Romans 8:28 by amanda_dcosta |
INTRANSIT 205.188.116.69 |
29-Dec-05/2:28 PM |
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I agree. Rhyme or don't rhyme, not both. It's fixable. Just read it over and over aloud and work out the bugs.
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| Re: Romans 8:28 by amanda_dcosta |
ALChemy 24.74.101.159 |
29-Dec-05/4:17 PM |
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The last line of stanza 2? maybe change to "I'm running away scared." But as far as I'm concerned it's fine to mix the styles up a little. This isn't your best work though. I believe on God. I'm not sure why.
Maybe you can give me some logical explanation for believing in God.
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| Re: Crowded by INTRANSIT |
Dovina 69.175.32.104 |
29-Dec-05/6:39 PM |
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Maybe a twentieth gage would show semicolon twitches. I hear one sounding wrong, even without turning the panel down.
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| Re: Memoirs of a miners son by Caducus |
Dovina 69.175.32.104 |
29-Dec-05/8:13 PM |
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Do you mean, '"Dress me well for Karen," he said.'?
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| Re: Memoirs of a miners son by Caducus |
amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.37 |
30-Dec-05/12:38 AM |
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Very elegantly descriptive. Except for the punctuation, i don't think i need to comment further. I admire a poet's view for what he writes. So no changes.
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| Re: For Love of Baseball by Dovina |
amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.37 |
30-Dec-05/12:42 AM |
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I have been reading his again and again and must sqay that this is good. I like the punch in the last para.
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| Re: Crowded by INTRANSIT |
amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.37 |
30-Dec-05/1:01 AM |
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Short and sweet. to the point.
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| Re: when i met sky alone by Prince of Void |
Prince of Void 213.207.224.156 |
30-Dec-05/1:06 AM |
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