Re: Iron Sky by MacFrantic	Blue Magpie 212.205.251.77	23-Feb-06/12:36 AM
There are several commas missing in my view, but otherwise not bad.
Re: Eternal Sleep by Artificial_Sweetner	aamir_trichy 203.129.195.149	23-Feb-06/3:57 AM
its nice....are u still hanging in????
Re: The Mirror by TLRufener	Ranger 88.106.139.102	23-Feb-06/4:44 AM
There's nothing wrong with wanting to put your own feelings/emotions into a poem, but for me particularly a poem is far more appealing without repeated use of 'I/me/my' etc. See if you can find a way of writing this that isn't in the first person - maybe try writing it from the mirror's point of view. Alternatively, my favourite trick is to invent a new point of view - something else in the room watching you, for instance. It just makes it more intriguing for the reader - and also allows for a bit more innovation.
Re: Buried in the Booth (edit) by drnick	Ranger 88.106.139.102	23-Feb-06/4:53 AM
This has some fucking awesome phrases in; the first stanza in particular got me going straight away. It's already been said, but I also think that this is at heart a prose poem - you put in a lot of description which makes it a long read when split into verses. Put together in prose form would make it easier, I think, for the reader to get through the description. Anyway, I have more to say about this but I'm on a friend's laptop at the moment and I find laptops in general bleedin' awkward to use, so when I get home I shall return to this poem.
Re: Gaia and Man by Blue Magpie	Ranger 88.106.139.102	23-Feb-06/5:12 AM
Wow, that was a long read. I think I should get a prize for finishing it. Seriously though, that's too long for a lot of people; I was switching off towards the end. The message is noble enough but it could have been said in a much more concise manner. The owl man is good, and the dialogue is done fairly well. I do think that you constrain yourself too much with the rhyming scheme - I reckon you could reduce the stanzas to four lines apiece, keeping the choice rhymes, and still achieve the same effect. In all honesty, I am going to have to come back to this later; there's far too much content to comment on in one sitting.
Re: Gaia and Man by Blue Magpie	ecargo 167.219.88.140	23-Feb-06/9:25 AM
A little too end-rhyme driven for my taste--admirable that you found so many rhyming words that worked in your narrative, but it too often leads to awkward phrasing or cliches. Also, too long for the eventual payoff, and the points are made a little too obviously and literally. Every read Ozymandias by Shelley? Another "met a traveller" poem with a big point to make, but he makes it without saying it explicitly: Ozymandias I met a traveler from an antique land Who said: Two vast and trunkless legs of stone Stand in the desert. Near them, on the sand, Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown, And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command, Tell that its sculptor well those passions read, Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things, The hand that mocked them, and the heart that fed, And on the pedestal these words appear: "My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings: Look upon my works, ye Mighty, and despair!" Nothing beside remains. Round the decay Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare The lone and level sands stretch far away. (Or there's always the Monty Python version: I met a traveller from an antique land, Who said, "Six vast and trunkless legs of stone Stand in the desert And on the pedestal these words appear, My name is Ozymandias, King of Ants Look on my feelers, termites, and despair! I am the biggest ant you'll ever see The ants of old weren't half as big and bold And fierce as me!") ;-)
Re: The Mirror by TLRufener	ecargo 167.219.88.140	23-Feb-06/9:27 AM
I like the idea of smashing reflections--maybe focus it more there, other things to smash/avoid, don't tell us so obviously about the self-loathing, let the images carry it. Easy way to tell if you're telling too much is to count the "I"s and "my"s. You've got a lot of 'em. :) Good start.
Re: Iron Sky by MacFrantic	ecargo 167.219.88.140	23-Feb-06/9:35 AM
You nailed the form but lost some sense, I think: "burden of her foil"? Do you mean PollOck (Jackson Pollock)? I don't get what this is about, really.
Re: First Unborn Sun by Been Here Before	ecargo 167.219.88.140	23-Feb-06/9:43 AM
Villanelles are tough because the repeating lines have to be strong for it to be effective. "I cannot watch because I won't pray" seems little awkward to me (mainly because if you're not going to use the contraction for cannot, doing so for will not seems, I dunno, forced--why not "I cannot watch because I will not pray"--that line sounds better in iambic pentameter, I think). Some of the lines are a little iffy: "hands . . . whisper"? Some others. Good effort.
Re: Nude Falling Down Staircase by zodiac	ecargo 167.219.88.140	23-Feb-06/9:52 AM
I really like your stuff, Zodiac, including this <gush gush, but what the hell>. The first line is killer. Like the falling-through-air using sex words; could do without the borrowed slapstick waiter (I don't think you need it). The metaphor works, for art, for writing. (But what do you mean in your comment by "free from context"? Shouldn't it carry its own context to be effective, to some degree anyway?) Dessert, not desert.
Re: The chestnut by richa	ecargo 167.219.88.140	23-Feb-06/10:00 AM
Gorgeous as ever, Rich. Three reps of "under the chestnut" seems too many though--we get it. Did you deliberately leave the first couple of lines unpunctuated so that it reads as dates have become altered/dates have become places (as well as dates and places have become altered)? Cool in a drunken/confused way. :)
Re: Just Desserts (for drnick) by ALChemy	ecargo 167.219.88.140	23-Feb-06/10:13 AM
Huh. So . . . what's the bountiful meal? We know what you [in the poem] think is a waste of time--hankering after "just desserts"--things we feel are merited for our efforts?--but what is it that we should be craving instead? I don't get that answer from this--maybe I'm missing it. Here's where I get confused: in the second stanza, you say "Who hasn't learned/that what is earned/might not be rewarded/but if forwarded [?]/may not come on schedule"; then you say: For nature is far grander in scale/than one man's peace of mind [dunno that this is so--how do you measure peace of mind?]. . . he will not findthe golden chalice/or holy palace/that he believes/is his to recieve [receive]/but that the bread he's won has gone stale. So--what he's earned (i.e., worked to deserve?) might not be rewarded, but then he's so focused on the chalice/palace (through religion, I take it?) he might miss what he's won through his own efforts? 'splain? Maybe I should read the comments--you may have. The rhymes seems to lead you astray here and there. "to lament a life that lemons left/a sour taste to memories bereft/of smiles" is very awkward and hard to parse. Anyway, I think with some clarification, the ideas will come through better. 'scuse me for blah blah blahing all over your poeme.
Re: The Acorn Daisies by MacFrantic	Scarlett 66.210.233.6	23-Feb-06/2:44 PM
Written in the harsh climate of beauty. Enjoyed this very much!
Re: How Well I See by Blue Magpie	Scarlett 66.210.233.6	23-Feb-06/3:06 PM
For some reason, the Villanelle form scares the daylights out of me to attempt, but your poem flowed well and the repetition formed a circle around the meaning. Enjoyed and might inspire me to give the form a try!
Re: Edges by Blue Magpie	Scarlett 66.210.233.6	23-Feb-06/3:13 PM
I absolutely LOVE the beginning of this - the first two lines especially. You could make it tight with the examples and less attempt on the rhyme ~ this could be a beauty.
Re: Revised Dream (Final Version) by Wakeboarder20	Ranger 62.252.32.15	24-Feb-06/6:01 AM
Okay, I like the idea at the core of this - positive poems are getting rarer by the day. However, when you get into the description it is very cliched and - dare I say it - lacking in a bit of imagination. As some advance warning, the 'love/above' rhyme is certain to lose you marks here (it is possible the most used phrase in the world of poetry, although run close by 'hate/fate'). Also, 'fields of love' really doesn't work. Although I know in a way what you're saying, it's totally nonsensical. Have a listen to 'Fields of Gold' (by the Police, just in case you haven't heard it) for an example of mastery of this sort of imagery. Essentially what I am trying to say here is that this poem will be very good if you can make it original. Read a lot of poetry on here and note all the recurring phrases/rhymes/images. Then avoid them like the plague. Your imagination will do the rest. I look forward to seeing any revisions of this.
Re: Darker Days by oneglove	Ranger 62.252.32.15	24-Feb-06/6:29 AM
Crikey, where do I begin with this one? I really like this poem, the first and last stanzas shine very brightly for me. 'Caviar dreams' I swear I've seen before, which is a bit of a shame as it detracts slightly from the overall originality of the piece. The same applies to 'bleeding skies'; in my opinion the second stanza could do with a reworking to bring it to the standard of the other two. The final stanza is fantastic, perhaps 'I love you' should be in quote marks? 'Twin sapphires set in snow/Look like a murder scene'. 8 for now, with a rework of stanza two this will be at least a nine.
Re: You Sang To Me In A Cathedral Chamber by Ranger	smoofle 88.106.175.245	24-Feb-06/7:08 AM
Mwahahahah! Archie! I'm here! Also... I'm so damn proud this poem is about me. Love you always xxx
regarding some deleted poem...	smoofle 88.106.175.245	24-Feb-06/7:10 AM
Some lines are absolutely fantastic, others I'm not sure about. Good work anyway.
Re: Hailing Miriam by Ranger	smoofle 88.106.175.245	24-Feb-06/7:12 AM
You'll get a 10 from me when you change the Lorelei line, Craigus. xxx