Re: Read me by mystic enoch	Ranger 62.252.32.15	7-Mar-06/2:50 PM
I've read you. And I think that you could write yourself more effectively. Let me explain. You have nobody to share your thoughts with - therefore you write poetry as a means of sharing them. This is a good start. Yet it could, poetically speaking, get so much better from there onwards. Try writing this in metaphor. Don't write it from the first person; as it stands you are spoonfeeding the reader this whereas you want to make said reader think about what you're saying. It's quite tricky for me to explain what I mean without writing your poem out for you - but I've tried something similar (although with a different purpose) in my 'Struggling Poet's Lament'. Basically, I want to read about you, but I want it to be a game of hide-and-seek rather than just seeing you straight away. Does that make sense? If not, I'll try and rephrase what I said. 7...you're doing okay :)
Re: Wish You Were Here by mystic enoch	Ranger 62.252.32.15	7-Mar-06/2:57 PM
I actually quite like this...not original, but sweet nonetheless. As Mr. M. Stipe once said, sweetness follows. PS - Bollocks to Internet Exploder for repeatedly screwing up as I'm posting comments...
Re: Man Enough For Me by mystic enoch	Ranger 62.252.32.15	7-Mar-06/3:05 PM
You're looking for an IKEA flat-packed, six-packed, self-assemble insta-chap. Sadly they went off the production line shortly after market research revealed that they didn't actually exist. Scientific theory now suggests that you go for a slightly more tricky option and grow one. You don't have to grow him from scratch, but even the finest specimen requires a little personal cultivation. It might not be quick and convenient, but I'm sure it'll be more rewarding in the long run. We're not all totally useless though, honest.
Re: Four Seasons by mystic enoch	Ranger 62.252.32.15	7-Mar-06/3:09 PM
Heh, quite nice - although I think you meant 'shone' (line 6). I do like the last two lines, they made me smile. An 8 should undo some of the damage caused by rockmage's (rather impressive) zeroing marathon.
Re: missing pieces by mystic enoch	Ranger 62.252.32.15	7-Mar-06/3:17 PM
The first few lines reminded me of one of those dreaded Christmas CD tunes...luckily I don't know the name of the song otherwise I would have to go and wash my ears out with hot rubber, which is never a joyful hobby.
Re: killer boredom butterfly (psychedelic) by nentwined	Ranger 62.252.32.15	7-Mar-06/4:31 PM
I just can't stop loving this. I think I'm going to write a Pimple about how much I love it and how it will never love me.
Re: Breakfast by Dhanesh M Kumar	Ranger 62.252.32.15	8-Mar-06/3:40 AM
Last two lines don't make grammatical sense; the number doesn't agree. Either you mean 'Many others' bones', or you mean 'An other's bone'. 'Seamless joy?' I don't know the statistics, but I'm prepared to bet that the number of people killed in conflict with the troops is fewer (or will very soon be fewer) than the number of people killed by the militants' bombs, which, I should add, are generally planted to cause maximum carnage whereas the intentions of the troops, especially the British troops, is to cause as little damage as possible and actually save lives. Yes! I know it's an astonishing concept to grasp, but our boys actually travelled thousands of miles from home, subjected themselves to all kinds of abuse from the people they were trying to protect, and selflessly risk their own lives on a daily basis because they genuinely want to make life better for the Iraqis. As for the oil - well of course it's a priority. It's the main source of income for the country. Iraq needs those oilfields to be protected more than the Americans do. But oil being the reason for war? Rubbish. I used to think that it was, then I realised how stupid a concept it was. What would be easier - ignoring the UN, amassing troops and sending them to probable death while capturing a dangerous war criminal, then spending huge amounts of time and effort trying to rebuild the country that the oil is in, all the while risking a second Vietnam...or would it be easier to ignore the UN and just go and drill the Arctic Circle, thus avoiding all that 'unjust war' bullshit? None of us like war, none of us want to see our own people get killed, and most of us despise the way our troops are treated. You take a very simplistic view of us, of the Americans in particular, and I'm afraid it's wrong. Most of the people on this site are testament to that. And so I ask you; would you rather Saddam Hussein and the Taliban been left controlling their respective countries? (PS as I remember, the Americans were attacked first, correct me if I'm wildly wrong)
Re: Memoirs of a Monk - St. Screamer by SupremeDreamer	Ranger 62.252.32.15	8-Mar-06/3:49 AM
This is so damn funky! Absolute demon opener, and 'decayed ghosts' is very nice too.
Re: Relive the Fifth by Miggy	Ranger 62.252.32.15	8-Mar-06/3:53 AM
This is great in places as a lyric, but other areas don't hold up as well in my view. Stanza 1 is nice, but stanza 2 is a little...erm...I don't really know how to describe it. 'You started a positive change'? I don't like that - not meaning to be rude, but I think you could find a more imaginative way of phrasing it. The schoolfight bit is pretty good, although a little Utopian I fear, and the ending isn't bad either. I just feel that with a but more imaginative wordplay this would get a whole lot better.
Re: The Thief by Niphredil	Ranger 62.252.32.15	8-Mar-06/4:11 AM
Yes, a reflection of the way the condemned notices small details. Nice.
Re: Breakfast by Dhanesh M Kumar	ALChemy 24.74.100.11	8-Mar-06/8:49 AM
Show, don't tell. Don't preach. Nobody needs to be told America is evil. We already know we are. We admire the level of evil Iraq has reached. We can only dream of the days when we can cut clits off women and heads off peace corp workers. Do you really think all this bitching is going to sway Americans? More importantly, do you hate black people? I noticed you only mentioned the name of negros. Really the more I read this the more I realize you're terrifically racist.
Re: Relive the Fifth by Miggy	Niphredil 192.117.117.50	8-Mar-06/9:08 AM
Just curious, what do you mean by the First, Second and so on? I don't get it... but I'd like to.
Re: Spinning, reeling by ecargo	Ranger 62.252.32.15	8-Mar-06/9:45 AM
Heh...it took me while to get this one to open but the effort was worth it. This has possibly the greatest closing stanza of any political poem ever!
Re: Bent and Broken Wings by TLRufener	Ranger 62.252.32.15	8-Mar-06/10:08 AM
Line 12 needs a typo fixing. This was quite nice...but it left me feeling a little unsatisfied. I found the last three lines good, quite evocative, but the rest of the poem failed to build up to it enough. I think the problem is that it's a bit vague and somewhat cliched - 'Doing what the heart feels/Instead of what the mind thinks' don't really make me feel or think anything. 'Lying alone at night/Wrapped in unloving blankets' is good and could easily be built upon; give me solid images rather than hazy emotions. Still, this has plenty of potential.
Re: Shouting at dogs by Bobjim	Fayt 141.157.35.222	8-Mar-06/11:12 AM
Very awkward poem, but its inventive. Ill give it a 7.
Re: Kangaroos by Bobjim	Fayt 141.157.35.222	8-Mar-06/11:13 AM
lol. Enjoyable to read.
regarding some deleted poem...	Dental Panic 84.27.6.94	8-Mar-06/1:17 PM
Really like this one. Topranked on 'famous last words'.
Re: Take heart, you are closer than you know by Bobjim	Scarlett 66.210.233.6	8-Mar-06/2:10 PM
When I read this, I was humming along, as if written for a song. Enjoyed..
Re: The Dead Poet's Dream by drnick	Ranger 62.252.32.15	9-Mar-06/4:36 AM
This is so close to being favourited; I love so many of the lines in here. The only one that didn't work for me is 'Sewing society's threads'...I'm not sure why, but that grated somehow. Other than that, I think the rhyme and structure is excellent and the wordplay is very good ('Ski his schemes', 'The scene is mosaic' (actually one of the best lines I've read of yours!), 'As he weaves his lines', etc.) Actually, now I think about it, there's so much that I like in here. Sod it. Favourited!
Re: _The Black Prince_ by Caducus	Ranger 62.252.32.15	9-Mar-06/8:57 AM
I have little of use to say here, save that I don't give out tens with quite the frequency that I used to. So why is this a ten? Well it is just supreme. Every line demands its price in this, and that price is that I must read it again and again. So many sub-layers exist in here that don't follow through the entire poem; and I expect everyone who reads this can see different segments of their lives in every stanza. That is a rare achievement.