Re: _The Black Prince_ by Caducus	Niphredil 192.117.117.50	9-Mar-06/11:38 AM
This is extremely good. However, I disagree with Ranger in that it still needs some work. First and foremost, 'Seppuku' jarred on me intensely because I had envisioned a medieval setting; it doesn't seem to harmonize at all with the rest of the poem. In addition, shouldn't "conquered by I" be "conquered by me; the Black Prince"? Not until I had read the poem again did I notice that the narrator was forced to conquer the kingdom; but the other prince was greeted by cheer(s?) and garlands. I guess he had it easier...
Re: the comet by pollywolly	Ranger 62.252.32.15	9-Mar-06/11:56 AM
Quite cool, but you could probably turn this into a concrete poem. Which would be definitely cool. I liked the ending.
Re: The Ocean by Fayt	BenRice 63.118.10.146	9-Mar-06/12:43 PM
Usually a haiku has a sort of pause or break after either the first or second line. This one doesn't, but in this case I think it works because of the continual movement of the waves. I'm not a fan of the last line though. The word "Salty" works against it (I don't think salty water as life-giving). It sounds a bit trite too, "to all"? really? With the right change in that last line, this could be a very good haiku, imho.
Re: the comet by pollywolly	BenRice 63.118.10.146	9-Mar-06/12:52 PM
I liked the first stanza and not the second. The bit of repetition in the first worked for me as did the rhyming of eye and sky. The second verse seems a bit lazy to me compared to the imagery of the first.
Re: Spring Rolls by Ranger	BenRice 63.118.10.146	9-Mar-06/1:00 PM
Clever. The word "pastry" ... just doesn't strike me as the right word, but I can't come up with something better, so maybe it is. "biting" cold... hmm not quite right with me either, but maybe that is just spring in Colorado. The spring roll metaphor works to evoke the variety of weather, color and life of spring.
Re: A Short Letter by Ranger	BenRice 63.118.10.146	9-Mar-06/1:13 PM
I tripped over some extra syllables on some lines. Felt a bit awkward for a limerick. At first I thought, "Byron or Chaucer"? Why not choose authors who used the limerick? But then, the speaker isn't wishing he were a limerick writer - he's wishing he were more eloquent than the simple limerick.
Re: Stella 130 by BenRice	Dovina 69.175.32.104	9-Mar-06/1:33 PM
A good-dog poem, but a bit wordy and cumbersome, i.e.: "If coal is black" seems trite. Why not just "As coal . . . "greyhounds that race" could drop the "that." "long tail is wagged" Passive voice could be made active. And If her name is stella, why not make it the last word?
Re: Sour Apple by ecargo	Ranger 62.252.32.15	9-Mar-06/1:36 PM
This is very groovy, it appeals to my sense of taste (no pun intended) as I'm sure you expected! I'd have liked to see the rhyme continued over stanza 3...although it's loose throughout the piece, it gets too loose there. Stanza 1 gave me the impression of violence, that seemed carried over stanza 2 as well (glassed, jagged etc.). Stanza 4 is excellent, vanity of fairytales always makes for superb imagery. With 'a copse of beeches, damascened' is there supposed to be the play on 'damsel' and 'damson' (damsel relating to the fairytale, damson relating to the 'foresty' theme there)? Because I read it that way - aided by a misreading of 'damascened' on first sight. I love the literal use of damascened there as well - nicely original. 8 for now, I feel that stanza 3 is in need of a little surgery to get up to the standard of the rest.
Re: the comet by pollywolly	Dovina 69.175.32.104	9-Mar-06/1:37 PM
Does it really fly? is it a burning sphere? and it draws nearer or farer, I do believe.
Re: Stella 130 by BenRice	Ranger 62.252.32.15	9-Mar-06/1:42 PM
There's good potential here, but it's not quite living up to the promise it shows in places. 'Wires invade my couch' is good, made me think of springs sticking through the fabric. However, 'cat-poop' and 'moo-ing' in particular are (in my opinion) crying out to be replaced by something a little more...well, poetic. Still, a nice sentiment.
Re: Stella 130 by BenRice	ecargo 167.219.88.140	9-Mar-06/2:22 PM
Cute idea, to twist Sonnet 130 so that it's about a dog, but execution's off. You lose iambic pentameter in line 2; "dogs'" in line one shouldn't be possessive, some other things--but those are just nits. Mostly i think it just needs more original language, particularly st. 3 (nails on chalkboards a cliche; so's "epitome of grace," really, and the long tail causing mayhem--things like that). Welcome back, btw.
Re: _The Black Prince_ by Caducus	Dental Panic 84.27.6.94	9-Mar-06/5:51 PM
To me this is just a piece of pretentious crap. Jeering winds that whisper seppuku? Imagine how that sounds: like someone has knocked its front teeth out. sssseppuku... 'surrendering my flesh for lips that became my war cry.' Yeah, life's a bitch.
Re: Read me by mystic enoch	Dental Panic 84.27.6.94	9-Mar-06/6:30 PM
I disagree with Ranger. I think this is very strong, crude and pure. Just cut the part where you start about poetry. I read you. You got me. Who soothes my thumpin', bumpin' brain? Nobody
Re: Piano by Dovina	Dental Panic 84.27.6.94	9-Mar-06/6:56 PM
'Every line a steppingstone, good for climbing up and down. Boy, is climbing fun, she says, does it ever get you jazzed, fine-tuned and ready for chords' you almost had it there - shame the fifth line didn't make it. using monster/monstrous - too much. The word gets deflated. I think the story is okay but the ending is poor. As if you were through but the poem wasn't.
Re: You Sang To Me In A Cathedral Chamber by Ranger	matt door 65.32.138.73	9-Mar-06/7:03 PM
Very clever bit of prose here - I like it a lot. Could use just a few less words. "Top-hat velvet" and "soft-shoe shine", "where time is a circle" (and others) read (and sound) so well. Good job young poet! Please keep writing.
Re: Homophobic Self-Help Poem. (For the men who drive a mustang) by SupremeDreamer	matt door 65.32.138.73	9-Mar-06/7:59 PM
I like this - most people won't get it - thinking it quite vulgar or invidious. This has a raw dark art to it that reads (and sounds) beautifully.
Re: Goldmunds Slut Fiasco. by SupremeDreamer	matt door 65.32.138.73	9-Mar-06/8:11 PM
Not sure about this as a whole - but sure of it's power by degrees. Pretty cool snack!
Re: The great seven of Coloumbia the space ship by Dhanesh M Kumar	Ranger 62.252.32.15	10-Mar-06/3:45 AM
This is nice as a tribute, although grammatically it needs improvement. 'To siege' doesn't work - you can use siege as a verb, but it becomes 'besiege'. If you want it as a noun, put a comma after it "To siege, off beyond..." 'Up the fore' doesn't work either, I don't think. 'To the fore' would be fine though. Lines 4-6 I think I know what you mean but the wording is awkward. Also 'Colombia'. I think there are a couple of other corrections that need making, but I'll let someone else spot them. I really like the talk of seven seas/wonders/capes/sages, and 'the seven pearls of Colombia' is a great line. So is 'perhaps in pursuit of capes of ether'. Keep working at this one, it promises to be a really good poem!
regarding some deleted poem...	Ranger 62.252.32.15	10-Mar-06/3:52 AM
This is pretty cool, and I like it a lot. Good use of the subject matter, and not overburdened with unnecessary emotion. In my view, 'living corpse roams to nowhere' doesn't quite work. You don't need 'living', and 'roams to nowhere' could be better, but having said that I can't think of anything better straight away. Also - the last line. I got your feelings from it, I got the sadness and distance...but the line is bulky. See if you can find a way of being a little more concise in the last line. Other than that - good!
Re: Last flight of a goose by Bobjim	Blue Magpie 212.205.251.37	10-Mar-06/5:03 AM
I would have said 'the goose' as this is more emphatic