Ranger
on Emo Kid by Fayt
10 Mar 2006, 10:52 AM
Ha!
You need to change it to:
"I'll knit you a sweater
And things will get better"
In order for it to genuinely be a limerick.
I heard from a friend that someone he knows got beaten up by a gang of about 17 emo kids...unbelievable isn't it? I can only assume they managed to depress him half to death...
i like the wording used here and the fitting subject. think if you broke it down a bit into a more sympathetic structure it would flow better and be a far better read. nice work.
This is great fun!
Very good. You built the case for Ominus needing Aggapus, but for the reverse to be true, as you say it is in the last verse, we need a strong example, as in the former. "no-one" could be no one.
How uplifting this is! You cannot imagine how words like "I drop tears upon the last hope," tears of joy upon realizing hope's fulfillment. And "How less I effort to put the pain away," just shows the pain-relieving medicine of a happy soul. Yes, "All words are absurd" in such happiness.
ecargo, somehow you're good. I get a taste of negativity or pessimism from your poems often, which generally I don't really like..... but somehow you have stuff that brings me back to read more of your work. Quite a bit of imagination too....
I ain't familiar with drinks... and tell me, Black and Tan, what is it? Beer? Yeah, cancel the 'Lake'. Good work matt.
"til his tears were dried " I think is off a half beat.
not really enough to worry about.
Groooooovy ,man.
This explains where Dental Panic got his name.
I've just remembered I said I'd come back to comment again on this; first things first, I can't get your 'Dead Poet's Dream' out of my head!
As for this one; well aside from feeling prose-y, I can't find fault with it. Personally, I like lots of description in some poems - and you do it very well here. Stanza 5 = genius, in my opinion. And the penultimate and concluding stanzas work perfectly with the feel of the piece; a sort of resigned satisfaction.
I hope I don't sound pretentious or patronising, but your writing has got so much better in recent posts!
Title: "Prince of Void"
The line, "Free me from the world that I linger in," has a prayer-like tone and a "that," neither of which seem appropriate
The last verse is a little surprising, because thousands of species of beetles already know how to swim, in fact many spend their whole lives swimming.
Apart from this it was funny and well turned out.
It works.
"Primrose passion" bugs me, but the rest is pretty good.
The three legged monster with a large stringy mouth..... I take you you haven't had very good experiences with the Piano. Good description of it though!
Good work. You got me going till the end. I thought that this would be just some stuff written only to fill a page , ie. when I saw the length.... but you pulled it through. pretty interesting.
Will have to agree with the rest. Last stanza needs fixing. I ain't a great fan of politics and war... but I think, in my opinion, you have painted quite a picture. Bones for breakfast!
I'm afraid this poem doesn't read as a whole at all. You don't seem to be saying anything meaningful; you start out with Words and end up with Sex. So? The title isn't really relevant to what you're saying, either.
I'd like to see this finished, with a beginning and an end. Perhaps then I can relate to what you're trying to say. As it is, it's a fragment, and I won't vote on it.