Re: Buried in the Booth (edit) by drnick	Ranger 62.252.32.15	30-Mar-06/1:40 PM
Yes, a very smooth edit. It works much better as a piece of prose. I feel that maybe in a couple of places you'd do well to add in an occasional shorter sentence to link the longer passages together a little more clearly; but see how other people read this first. Also, you could seperate the last bit from the rest: '...the regulars left their tips And he ordered himself his first drink.'
Re: SHOT by tisa7	zodiac 209.193.18.128	30-Mar-06/1:40 PM
"me" doesn't rhyme with "already." Sorry, that probably makes you want to die even more.
Re: Quiet Hands by Sunny	zodiac 209.193.18.128	30-Mar-06/1:42 PM
Clocks should almost never be used in poetry. Especially not as symbols of time stopping or moving on.
Re: 9/11 - The Jumpers by Caducus	zodiac 209.193.18.128	30-Mar-06/1:44 PM
This is full of bad language, mixed metaphors, and factual errors. Also, ending a poem with a question is never a good idea.
Re: Sarah, Freefalling (twee for AlChemy) by ecargo	zodiac 209.193.18.128	30-Mar-06/1:46 PM
Not bad. I would shorten or tweak the "brothers" line and end the sentence after "walls". The internal rhyme in the first stanza is especially good.
Re: Time Thief by Dovina	zodiac 209.193.18.128	30-Mar-06/1:48 PM
The weird half-rhymes in the first stanza are good. The repetition of "time" at the ends of lines is not. Nor is the digression about Islamic cartoonists. The last stanza's tidy, didactic, silly, Benjamin Franklinesque, and unnecessary if you'd done your job in the first four stanzas.
Re: Sensually Literary Villanelle by bwaha	Ranger 62.252.32.15	30-Mar-06/1:55 PM
Stanza 3 is hilarous, and the 2nd line of that stanza is pure genuis!
Re: Because You Love Me by amanda_dcosta	Dovina 70.38.78.229	30-Mar-06/2:03 PM
I think "Waking Hours" would make a better title than a first line. Comma after "aimlessly" Comma after "me" Period after "more" Comma after "go"
Re: Sensually Literary Villanelle by bwaha	Dovina 70.38.78.229	30-Mar-06/6:48 PM
So, is this an attempt to change yourself, or do you really prefer books to men?
Re: Behind the storm clouds, the moon consoles the sun.(edited) by ALChemy	god'swife 71.103.98.44	30-Mar-06/6:57 PM
red·neck n. Offensive Slang 1. Used as a disparaging term for a member of the white rural laboring class. 2. A white person regarded as having a provincial, conservative, often bigoted attitude.
Re: Your Eyes Are Like Stearling Saphires in the month of June by tisa7	god'swife 71.103.98.44	30-Mar-06/7:12 PM
The title is beautiful but I think you meant Sterling not Stearling. Also this is not free verse. Free verse doesn't have a rhyme pattern this poem does- AABB. Don't give yourself anonymous 10's or ask your friends to, it's not worth losing your dignity. Are you serious about learnig to write poetry or are you just experimenting?
Re: Divorcing Tennessee by Dovina	Sunny 66.69.36.222	30-Mar-06/7:16 PM
I had to see what all the hype was about, jk! No, I actually wanted to read some of your writings since you have been so observant & helpful to me in my own. You were tight in a lot of lines, but I couldn't help but have a problem with all the "you's". Yes, I will through in one once in a while for effect, but they run rampant over this piece. I am not the one missing Tennessee, & I am not the one wanting to smell wood smoke afterall...you are. What made me vote the way I did, your clarity in theme, staying tightly to your theme & I did like the examples of what you missed about your home; you were able to "show the reader, not tell". You know that no-no in poetry. Interesting read overall Dovina. ~Sunny
Re: The copper man and Labrador by Caducus	Sunny 66.69.36.222	30-Mar-06/7:32 PM
I know you are full of commentary on this one, but I think I'll take a stabb at one, after reading your poem & other's comments...Their were quite a bit of references that I didn't "get," like when the dog turned blue...I have to say that is pretty hard translate that into a siren's lights-too random & out of the blue for me at least. I must admit I had my difficulties with "neon reapers" as well :( I did however, think this poem was well thought out & surfaces a man's best friend/ love emotion, that brilliantly contrasted with human greed-inevitable human greed. It touched me, not going to lie. I might be a sap for that, but because it was able to surface a little emotion after I read it, I give you two thumbs up on this one :) ~Sunny
Re: The Beautiful Lover by Caducus	matt door 65.32.138.73	30-Mar-06/8:18 PM
I like this - last line could be better - still very good! "deceits" should be deceit's. -8-
Re: 9/11 - The Jumpers by Caducus	matt door 65.32.138.73	30-Mar-06/8:30 PM
Your skills have'nt risen - that's for sure!"the jumpers jumped"? "twin towers fell"? Come on - be a tad more crafty than this? Too basic.
Re: Ghosts of years (rhymey edit) by ecargo	matt door 65.32.138.73	30-Mar-06/8:53 PM
Good thoughts - yet the words fail this poem. Too many words are used - it stains your meaning with feckless hot air.
regarding some deleted poem...	god'swife 71.103.98.44	30-Mar-06/11:05 PM
These are insightful observations. Very concrete which for me packs the biggest punch. We understand the world through our senses much more than through our intellect. the first line of the last stanza has a great deal of impact, more so because of its simplicity. You have a very sincere voice and that's the most important thing. Technique can be learned if one is willing. Think about flow. In that field where your body is mixed with the dirt you will lie after 7 years without your man. Now your dying erases the sweet divide. Erases the moments you cried. I saw only blue above your tomb. Come April I envy the dead; Cruel month of Easter and springtime. And I was dead too. Till I saw blue skies & tulips today at your funeral.
regarding some deleted poem...	Ranger 62.252.32.15	31-Mar-06/3:57 AM
Fuck me this is good. I thought you said you were suffering from writer's block?! Love the wrecking ball, love stanzas 2 and 3. A lot of what I've learnt poetically is due to the feedback you've given me, so I don't feel in a position to critique (not that this poem needs it), but I would change 'faith' in stanza 1 to something with less religious connotations, and although you keep the architectural theme going, another reference to the blueprint would complete it, in my opinion. Favourited, and would be even if this was only stanza 2.
Re: Because You Love Me by amanda_dcosta	ALChemy 24.74.100.11	31-Mar-06/9:51 AM
This is very sweet like Zodiac said but you might want to think of a slightly different title and phrase than "Because you love me" because Celine Dion has a hit song by the same name. I assume this is a poem to God. Which I like because of my prior arguments that believing in God is simular to being in love. 8 for now but more if you change the title/phrase slightly.
Re: A Country Anecdote by Dovina	ALChemy 24.74.100.11	31-Mar-06/10:03 AM
I ask you a simple question and you give me some of the best stuff I've read in quite a while. See, I told you your replies are ace. 10+