Re: A South London Lullaby by Caducus	Dovina 12.72.36.4	18-Apr-06/10:40 AM
Sad and good. I don't know about the Rapunzel line. The last 4 lines need more of a lulaby sound, I think.
Re: Murder Phoenix Born (meta-villanelle) by Ranger	lmp 141.154.134.3	18-Apr-06/2:21 PM
it works as complexedly as ever, to be sure. i did read this through once and had to cogitate on it a bit and come back again for a second read before commenting. in fact, after reading this i went to work on a villanelle myself, but i cannot publish until tomorrow evening. rrrgh! at first i was suspecting the traditional phoenix myth, which you have captured, but throughout and especially in the last verse led me to believe i was witnessing a successful morning hunt. i am not sure what metaphor the arrow and the cedar bow play in either of the stories. the "swift dart from lava flow" works well for the space shuttle... perhaps the "arrow feathered, hewn from bone" may work to describe the misfortunate end of the astronauts (as well as rhyming a bit more precisely, but i am not picking on the "stone - bow" rhyme, either). a very complex work, and wonderfully chosen words. the images are tangible, yet still morphing into the next line just as they are grasped. also, i took the spelling of "fayre" to be archaic for "fire", or is it - as Dovina noted - for "fair"?
Re: Upheaval (in a minor key) by ecargo	Ranger 86.131.51.218	18-Apr-06/2:26 PM
Hmm. Nice to read, ecargo, thoughtful and full of regret. Every Pimple poet should read this to learn how these should be done, how the emotion should be controlled. I know I could have done with it at times. Great second stanza. Could the open hand idea give rise to card games? In a way it's the juxtaposition of honesty and competition. Honesty rarely wins in competition. And I rarely make sense in these sort of comments. Ah well. Good work.
Re: A South London Lullaby by Caducus	Ranger 86.131.51.218	18-Apr-06/2:50 PM
Good stuff. Imp's pointed out 'Princess', and Dovina has said about 'Rapunzel', both of which I'd substitute for something more Old Testament, which fits with Aaron - and also, 'tenements' conjures up 'tenets' as well (tenets of faith). My brain is a bit burnt out at the moment (still recovering my sleep pattern from doing night shifts), but a biblical whore (not Magdalene though, I don't think she'd fit) would seem right. Try as I might, I just can't bring the obvious name to mind right now, I'll let someone else help me with the Scripture.
Re: Story remains the same by annadoc	Ranger 86.131.51.218	18-Apr-06/3:07 PM
Nice ideas. I think it deserves to be longer, simply because it rests on cliched lines (stories remaining the same, sum of all parts etc.) which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but in its current form it's just a collection of lines which have been said many times before. Yet I can tell there's more intricate thought behind this. Give some feedback to other users' poetry and hopefully they'll reciprocate and give you some useful inspiration.
Re: Buddy by ALChemy	lmp 141.154.134.3	18-Apr-06/3:07 PM
wow. this reminds me of a sappy yet somehow tearjerkish poem i read once about the dog as the ever willing servant to the master, licking the hand that beats him, and so on. but, the last line clinches it. the plot twist. leading us along a stray thread only to tie it all in at the end. very nice. however, maybe your master *does* run fingers through your hair, but not literally (oh that's good, since we speak on the written word!). very good.
Re: A sponatious free write by thepinkbunnyofdoom	*.*ReAdY To SnAp*.* 65.93.143.241	18-Apr-06/7:32 PM
Amen!!! I'm feeling this...Lindsey <8>
Re: Eclipsed Heart by Richard	*.*ReAdY To SnAp*.* 65.93.143.241	18-Apr-06/7:33 PM
Whatever floats your boat...it certainly has a twist..Lindsey...<6>
Re: A sponatious free write by thepinkbunnyofdoom	Ranger 81.152.176.97	19-Apr-06/12:21 AM
Great flow, energetic and fast. 3 typos: Spontaneous, ingest (although I like the idea of playing with ingest/in jest) and heist.
Re: Life (the circle) by *.*ReAdY To SnAp*.*	Ranger 81.152.176.97	19-Apr-06/12:45 AM
Well, you listed it as a Pimple so I guess I was forewarned. Let's start with the good aspects: it's not from the first person perspective, and you keep the pronoun usage down to a minimum (which is a very good thing in poems like this). There are a couple of nice images in here - like the scroll, but not nearly enough to give it a tactile feel though. You've also got some fairly creative ideas, linking in the words with four letters. Now for the crits. If you want to transform this from a Pimple into something which more people will read (and more importantly, enjoy), there are some pretty fundamental points to be made (if you just want it as an emotional release, that's fine...but people won't read it). Firstly, whereas there are no taboo subjects in poetry, not even depression and angst, these sort of topics are massively overused. So you have to be incredibly inventive and original to keep the reader's attention and interest. The abstract concepts you talk about in here (life, pain etc.) can be found in about 95% of Pimples, so either don't write about them, or find something completely new and unique to describe/explain them. The same applies to 'drowning, loosing (losing?), suffocating...' etc. I've already mentioned about giving more imagery with the abstract stuff. Read a whole load of the poetry on here, and any themes which crop up repeatedly, avoid. Or find a way of expressing them which hasn't been tried before. Attempting something new will get you more respect than reciting stuff that's been said a billion times before, even if the original writing doesn't work at first. People here will always give suggestions and help you look for connections and metaphors. Oh, and that's the other thing. Metaphors, similes and analogies will get you extra points in poetry. The trick is to make the reader do some work; don't spoonfeed everything to the audience. Okay, that was a fairly mammoth comment but hopefully it'll be of some use to you. Angsty poetry is very difficult to get to work well. The closest I've managed is with a glosa ('Inbetween Lovers') of god'swife's 'Blueprint' (read some of her stuff). It's a great feeling when you get it right.
Re: rush hour by pollywolly	Ranger 81.152.176.97	19-Apr-06/1:10 AM
Not sure about using 'roar' so many times, although animalistic I'm sure there are alternatives which carry the same feral weight. Also, 'sand-made' panes. Other than that, I really like the idea in this, describing yourself, I presume, as a small woodland creature watching some savage, lionesque beast. In the main it has great word choice and good imagery.
Re: In Ethel’s Honor by Dovina	elderking 209.79.199.121	19-Apr-06/5:13 AM
Ethel had an honorable and loving man in that one... I like the way I can picture him... so quietly determined...his Ethel would have her lily. Very good.
regarding some deleted poem...	Jack Diamond 71.103.98.44	19-Apr-06/6:55 AM
This poem sounds to me as though you are writing about a daffodil and it's coexsistence with the growth of your son. A flower has simular growth and can bloom as a child blooms. I really like that about this poem. This is one of my favorites.
Re: A Bronze Mule by Dovina	Ranger 81.152.176.97	19-Apr-06/7:14 AM
Good stuff, although it sounds like you limited your market research to one slightly clueless chap. And grace in defeat means that you may feel humble, but never humiliated. Only suggestion is that in the final stanza, put another task after 'row to plow' - makes it fit with the rule of three. Other than that, good story.
Re: Nonchalantly by Plaidypus	Sunny 66.69.36.222	19-Apr-06/9:41 AM
I liked the way you went "nonchalantly" around your conclusion of becoming anorexic. You told the story, in a way, of the origin of this crippling disease, which I also find quite interesting. Good, clean line breaks. I liked the overall feel of it. You got your point across very clearly & had no problems whatsoever with you clarity. Your poem survived by the way you went around explaining so "nonchalantly" something that has the potential to be deadly, ironically enough. Thanks, Sunny
Re: It destroyed my life by T. Jonathron Remp	Sunny 66.69.36.222	19-Apr-06/9:50 AM
I know you are trying to get across a deep agony here but, there are certain things I did not like poetically about this piece: the line breaks threw me off with you half-sliced thoughts, the dramatic line indentations that I have no clue as to why those lines in particular are meant to be so emphasized, the -all of a sudden- rhyming scheme plopped into the poem. This poem needs to be clarified & "tidied up" overall a lot in my opinion. ~Sunny
regarding some deleted poem...	INTRANSIT 152.163.100.6	19-Apr-06/11:43 AM
Typo line 5?
Re: Misplaced Life by Richard	annadoc 161.7.2.160	19-Apr-06/2:20 PM
I thought this poem had some depth to the verse. gave me pause.
Re: A Kiss Beneath The Blossom Tree by Caducus	annadoc 161.7.2.160	19-Apr-06/2:29 PM
I thought the imagery was very good. I also noted the small edits needed such as (comma after again, before words "my love"), the blossom(s) fell like soft rain, and mis-spelled word incense. I thought this was one of the best poems I've read here.
Re: Sarah's Song by wilco	annadoc 161.7.2.160	19-Apr-06/2:33 PM
Contemplative. I liked it.