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A Kiss Beneath The Blossom Tree (Free verse) by Caducus My father tended lovingly to his garden
Mowing symmetrically
He lowered his head
Bowing like a cumbersome tulip.
Sweat jewelled his brow
Then sailed through his wrinkles
Leaving tracks which glittered
Like bark on the birch tree.
He climbed the tree for apples
Then suddenly grasped his wrist,
He looked at Mum and said âSorry Dearâ
Falling down upon the trellis.
The blossom fell like soft rain,
And beneath the tree my Mum kissed him
Saying âhere we are again my loveâ.
When his parents were alive
He was raised by dead authors.
Prayers were said with one eye open
For God was a willow cane
And worship was forced till fingertips blackened
Crying for Mr Tumnus in a locked wardrobe
He never felt the snow on his feet
Just row upon row of Godâs cloth
Which reeked of bourbon and incesnse.
His fathers wrath remained
In my fathers limp,
and loving words.
His solace was the hills
And met my Mother there
She showed him flowers and hollowed trees
And they kissed beneath Apple blossom.
Today I took my lover
To âCrackly Woodsâ where they met
Carved their names in to an apple tree
And kissed her lips on the ashes of blossom,
Where my mother and father now rest forever.
Up the ladder:
Dance Of Insanity
Down the ladder:
A Little Further
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.9615383
Posted: January 24, 2004 3:46 PM PST; Last modified: January 24, 2004 3:46 PM PSTWeighted score: 6.9615383 Overall Rank: 140 The following users have marked this poem on their favorites list: INTRANSIT, fevriere, Beyond_Dreams, dancin_n_da_moonlite, lmp Comments:
Really nice poem!
The title needs changing. Possibly just to 'The Blossom Tree'? Just a suggestion. Notice I'm still giving you a ten.
I'm a jelly guy.
Your Mum and Dad would be proud...
with a score that high, i was a little more than skeptical, but this is great. It's like an epic and exaclty what poetry should be. It reminds me of famous poems that people spend their lives examining to find the meaning that was present all along. It's a 10, u deserve it :)
For some reason I can't bring myself to think the last stanza fits. Though I love the 'Kissed her lips on the ashes of blossom'. For some reason it doesn't seem to work rhythmically. Also, while the whole wheel of time moving around, as was done before so shall be done again, etc theme works (i.e. you kissing your lover where your parents kissed etc.), it seems a touch clichéd. It makes me think too much of 'Songs my Mother Taught Me' in that respect.
There's also the fact that I sort of would have liked it if you'd found a way of ending it without bringing yourself into play. 8 for now because I'm a miserable shite and the score's high enough as it is already.
What the?????? I don't know what you're doing to improve , but it's working. Very very well I might add.
sweet
i'm not a big fan of long poems, but *your* poems are just too beautiful to miss.
Excellent. So far the best poem I have ever read!
i reread your poem and i take back what i said. i was a little too harsh on you, and i'm sorry. It wasn't bad, but i think it needs revision. i'll give you a 6. a very good improvement since your earlier writings, may i add. -thanks
in-cred-a-bull.
man, this was AM-AZ-ING. this is what poetry is all about, well done. i wish i could give you an 11. *****************10********************
gave me chills
This is remarkable. Sweet and smooth. Very well done.
THis is a sweet, sentimental, evocative narrative. I especially like the first two strophes. L4-5 of S1, and the mention of the limp were especially strong. The conclusion has one foot over the line into triteness. Overall very good, but would think about the last strophe. Really you don't need it IMHO.
Beautiful!
Your finest hour.
a wonderful tribute, beautifully crafted. i echo many comments of those before mine. this is bittersweet without being sappy, poignant in just the right doses.
very very very well done. a favorite, now.
I thought the imagery was very good. I also noted the small edits needed such as (comma after again, before words "my love"), the blossom(s) fell like soft rain, and mis-spelled word incense. I thought this was one of the best poems I've read here.
mouse turds
How fucking sad.
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I loved your father's head "bowing like a cumbersome tulip" as he mowed. What a wonderfully apt image.
It's been a long long time since I read narnia so I had to google for Mr Tumnus, but then it became even more poignant.
This is so excellent you will obviously be taking it other places than pomeranker--do you want comments? I'll plunge ahead: There are a couple tiny edits needed: in st. 2 blossoms needs an s; in st. 3 incense is misspelled; and in st. 4 should it be "and HE met my Mother there"?
In st. 2 the second use of Mum seems awkward, mightn't it be better to use mother?
"His solace was the hills" bothers me slightly. Normally, solace would be found in the hills. "solace was found in" is a clichéd phrase you probably want to avoid, but maybe you might consider something like "His solace was in the hills/And he found my mother there too" (I dunno that that's better) and maybe one more line to indicate why she was in the hills that day???
"loving words" at the end of st. 3 seems a little weak & generic in comparison to the rest. No idea at all how to fix that since I'm not entirely sure what you mean by his father's wrath remaining in his loving words. I can think of lots of ways for that to be so, but I'd like to know which one you mean.
SO good...
Thank you for your points as it is obvious to me that you have picked up on relevant weaknesses and i'll try and sort it.