Help | About | Suggestions | Alms | Chat [0] | Users [0] | Log In | Join
 Search:
Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments   

A Kiss Beneath The Blossom Tree (Free verse) by Caducus
My father tended lovingly to his garden Mowing symmetrically He lowered his head Bowing like a cumbersome tulip. Sweat jewelled his brow Then sailed through his wrinkles Leaving tracks which glittered Like bark on the birch tree. He climbed the tree for apples Then suddenly grasped his wrist, He looked at Mum and said ‘Sorry Dear’ Falling down upon the trellis. The blossom fell like soft rain, And beneath the tree my Mum kissed him Saying ‘here we are again my love’. When his parents were alive He was raised by dead authors. Prayers were said with one eye open For God was a willow cane And worship was forced till fingertips blackened Crying for Mr Tumnus in a locked wardrobe He never felt the snow on his feet Just row upon row of God’s cloth Which reeked of bourbon and incesnse. His fathers wrath remained In my fathers limp, and loving words. His solace was the hills And met my Mother there She showed him flowers and hollowed trees And they kissed beneath Apple blossom. Today I took my lover To ‘Crackly Woods’ where they met Carved their names in to an apple tree And kissed her lips on the ashes of blossom, Where my mother and father now rest forever.

Up the ladder: Over and Gone
Down the ladder: A Simple Emote.

You must be logged in to leave comments. Vote:

Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
 GraphVotes
10  .. 2212
.. 86
.. 43
.. 20
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 01
.. 02
.. 00
.. 610

Arithmetic Mean: 7.144737
Weighted score: 7.144737
Overall Rank: 30
Posted: January 24, 2004 3:46 PM PST; Last modified: January 24, 2004 3:46 PM PST
View voting details
The following users have marked this poem on their favorites list:

INTRANSIT, fevriere, Beyond_Dreams, dancin_n_da_moonlite, lmp

Comments:
[10] Goad @ 217.82.13.226 | 24-Jan-04/4:57 PM | Reply
Wow. Wonderful. So well-crafted. Beautiful images.

I loved your father's head "bowing like a cumbersome tulip" as he mowed. What a wonderfully apt image.

It's been a long long time since I read narnia so I had to google for Mr Tumnus, but then it became even more poignant.

This is so excellent you will obviously be taking it other places than pomeranker--do you want comments? I'll plunge ahead: There are a couple tiny edits needed: in st. 2 blossoms needs an s; in st. 3 incense is misspelled; and in st. 4 should it be "and HE met my Mother there"?

In st. 2 the second use of Mum seems awkward, mightn't it be better to use mother?

"His solace was the hills" bothers me slightly. Normally, solace would be found in the hills. "solace was found in" is a clichéd phrase you probably want to avoid, but maybe you might consider something like "His solace was in the hills/And he found my mother there too" (I dunno that that's better) and maybe one more line to indicate why she was in the hills that day???

"loving words" at the end of st. 3 seems a little weak & generic in comparison to the rest. No idea at all how to fix that since I'm not entirely sure what you mean by his father's wrath remaining in his loving words. I can think of lots of ways for that to be so, but I'd like to know which one you mean.

SO good...
[n/a] Caducus @ 195.92.168.170 > Goad | 25-Jan-04/2:52 AM | Reply
I agree with all your suggestions and will try and deal with each one in the right mood and tone for the type of poem. The grammatical errors i should have noticed. What I tried to evoke in the point about the limp and loving words was his limp was from abuse but the loving words passed on to his son was his resolute determination in not being like HIS Father. He limped physically but never emotionally. 'Solace would be found in the hills' maybe I could say something like 'Solace could be found in the sheperding hills' (but more brief), Mother instead of Mum Iused Mum as its more earthly. I thought about trying to add a line in to why my Mum was in the hills that day but couldn't integrate anything in to a line.

Thank you for your points as it is obvious to me that you have picked up on relevant weaknesses and i'll try and sort it.
[10] unouluvme @ 209.110.218.136 | 24-Jan-04/5:57 PM | Reply
Really nice poem!
[10] zodiac @ 67.240.192.172 | 25-Jan-04/8:45 AM | Reply
The title needs changing. Possibly just to 'The Blossom Tree'? Just a suggestion. Notice I'm still giving you a ten.
[10] horus8 @ 24.130.62.63 | 16-Sep-04/4:06 PM | Reply
I'm a jelly guy.
[9] Skytiger @ 202.124.102.87 | 18-Sep-04/4:24 AM | Reply
Your Mum and Dad would be proud...
[10] capachijim @ 152.163.100.195 | 24-Sep-04/1:53 PM | Reply
with a score that high, i was a little more than skeptical, but this is great. It's like an epic and exaclty what poetry should be. It reminds me of famous poems that people spend their lives examining to find the meaning that was present all along. It's a 10, u deserve it :)
[8] Tintagiles @ 198.164.250.47 | 24-Sep-04/5:39 PM | Reply
For some reason I can't bring myself to think the last stanza fits. Though I love the 'Kissed her lips on the ashes of blossom'. For some reason it doesn't seem to work rhythmically. Also, while the whole wheel of time moving around, as was done before so shall be done again, etc theme works (i.e. you kissing your lover where your parents kissed etc.), it seems a touch clichéd. It makes me think too much of 'Songs my Mother Taught Me' in that respect.

There's also the fact that I sort of would have liked it if you'd found a way of ending it without bringing yourself into play. 8 for now because I'm a miserable shite and the score's high enough as it is already.
[10] INTRANSIT @ 152.163.100.65 | 27-Sep-04/10:24 AM | Reply
What the?????? I don't know what you're doing to improve , but it's working. Very very well I might add.
[10] scitz @ 81.130.183.10 | 28-Sep-04/6:35 AM | Reply
sweet
[10] 7!3 @ 219.93.174.101 | 28-Nov-04/1:11 PM | Reply
i'm not a big fan of long poems, but *your* poems are just too beautiful to miss.
[10] Jezabele-In-Hell @ 65.172.117.1 | 7-Mar-05/11:09 AM | Reply
Excellent. So far the best poem I have ever read!
[10] burgerking33 @ 69.242.53.159 | 8-Mar-05/3:32 PM | Reply
i reread your poem and i take back what i said. i was a little too harsh on you, and i'm sorry. It wasn't bad, but i think it needs revision. i'll give you a 6. a very good improvement since your earlier writings, may i add. -thanks
[10] burgerking33 @ 69.242.53.159 | 8-Mar-05/3:35 PM | Reply
in-cred-a-bull.
man, this was AM-AZ-ING. this is what poetry
is all about,
well done. i wish i could give you an 11.
*****************10********************
[10] dancin_n_da_moonlite @ 205.188.116.139 | 2-Apr-05/11:03 AM | Reply
gave me chills
[9] storyspinner @ 68.67.205.23 | 14-Apr-05/8:38 PM | Reply
This is remarkable. Sweet and smooth. Very well done.
[8] deleted user @ 67.33.214.158 | 13-May-05/10:07 PM | Reply
THis is a sweet, sentimental, evocative narrative. I especially like the first two strophes. L4-5 of S1, and the mention of the limp were especially strong. The conclusion has one foot over the line into triteness. Overall very good, but would think about the last strophe. Really you don't need it IMHO.
[10] Bhaskaryya @ 202.63.190.227 | 7-Nov-05/9:19 PM | Reply
Beautiful!
[10] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 | 9-Feb-06/7:46 AM | Reply
Your finest hour.
[10] lmp @ 141.154.134.3 | 18-Apr-06/7:34 AM | Reply
a wonderful tribute, beautifully crafted. i echo many comments of those before mine. this is bittersweet without being sappy, poignant in just the right doses.
very very very well done. a favorite, now.
[9] annadoc @ 161.7.2.160 | 19-Apr-06/2:29 PM | Reply
I thought the imagery was very good. I also noted the small edits needed such as (comma after again, before words "my love"), the blossom(s) fell like soft rain, and mis-spelled word incense. I thought this was one of the best poems I've read here.
[0] Edna Sweetlove @ 81.179.115.207 | 11-Jun-06/6:03 PM | Reply
mouse turds
[0] Engelbert Humpalot @ 85.211.239.13 | 7-Oct-07/10:20 AM | Reply
How fucking sad.
1011 view(s)




Track and Plan your submissions ; Read some Comics ; Get Paid for your Poetry
PoemRanker Copyright © 2001 - 2021 - kaolin fire - All Rights Reserved
All poems Copyright © their respective authors
An internet tradition since June 9, 2001