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A Kiss Beneath The Blossom Tree (Free verse) by Caducus

My father tended lovingly to his garden Mowing symmetrically He lowered his head Bowing like a cumbersome tulip. Sweat jewelled his brow Then sailed through his wrinkles Leaving tracks which glittered Like bark on the birch tree. He climbed the tree for apples Then suddenly grasped his wrist, He looked at Mum and said ‘Sorry Dear’ Falling down upon the trellis. The blossom fell like soft rain, And beneath the tree my Mum kissed him Saying ‘here we are again my love’. When his parents were alive He was raised by dead authors. Prayers were said with one eye open For God was a willow cane And worship was forced till fingertips blackened Crying for Mr Tumnus in a locked wardrobe He never felt the snow on his feet Just row upon row of God’s cloth Which reeked of bourbon and incesnse. His fathers wrath remained In my fathers limp, and loving words. His solace was the hills And met my Mother there She showed him flowers and hollowed trees And they kissed beneath Apple blossom. Today I took my lover To ‘Crackly Woods’ where they met Carved their names in to an apple tree And kissed her lips on the ashes of blossom, Where my mother and father now rest forever.

Goad 24-Jan-04/4:57 PM
Wow. Wonderful. So well-crafted. Beautiful images.

I loved your father's head "bowing like a cumbersome tulip" as he mowed. What a wonderfully apt image.

It's been a long long time since I read narnia so I had to google for Mr Tumnus, but then it became even more poignant.

This is so excellent you will obviously be taking it other places than pomeranker--do you want comments? I'll plunge ahead: There are a couple tiny edits needed: in st. 2 blossoms needs an s; in st. 3 incense is misspelled; and in st. 4 should it be "and HE met my Mother there"?

In st. 2 the second use of Mum seems awkward, mightn't it be better to use mother?

"His solace was the hills" bothers me slightly. Normally, solace would be found in the hills. "solace was found in" is a clichéd phrase you probably want to avoid, but maybe you might consider something like "His solace was in the hills/And he found my mother there too" (I dunno that that's better) and maybe one more line to indicate why she was in the hills that day???

"loving words" at the end of st. 3 seems a little weak & generic in comparison to the rest. No idea at all how to fix that since I'm not entirely sure what you mean by his father's wrath remaining in his loving words. I can think of lots of ways for that to be so, but I'd like to know which one you mean.

SO good...




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