lmp
on Poemranker is Back! by Dovina
5 Nov 2010, 6:18 PM
was it gone? i missed the downtime....
fixed, five years later, hey I'm lil slow
Sounds like the mother of a good son or the memory of a child with a good brother
Very nice feel to this short verse. Picturesque.
Hey, settle down, its all too fast. Delayed gratification. Yes, please, make it last!
You used to be better than this. What the hell's gone wrong?
hehe
best in the last ten posted :)
it's got a good skeleton but it's a bit flabby. one verb is worth ten adjectives and adverbs. this is how i read it:
"i feel your caresses, blown, sending tingles with rivulets. i awake, intensify, bend, stretch, accommodate. i am peaking, fulfilled. you're rushing. i am satisfied, saturated. your hunger magnifies, breaking pieces, caresses and kisses, lashings and torrents. you are raging, i am subdued, swayings and rustlings, thrashings, anchored. i give. i am.
a lot of religious images here. is there something more personal to your own experience that would add meaning?
the tone and voice are polished. i like this even better than the other one. i may be mistaken but i think you meant either latched or leashed rather than lashed. otherwise top notch.
i like a lot of this, but there are a few blips that i think don't work. "held tight in grip" is clunky, you can word it a bit better. "despair" sounds cliche. disrepair? roadside flare? dining room chair? almost anything would be better there than despair. a good effort though, at a difficult form.
heh, brown noser.
interesting! if you start with circus of circuits and remove "of slime. everlasting," it'd be a damnfine haiku.
very sensory, i like it. first line is a bit incongruent with the rest, and so is the middle line. what effect were you going for?
i wonder how many people miss the point of this. conversational tone, stripped to the bone. in its own way, this works.