rabbi sammy schtupp
on The Christian Submariner by Sing4Jesus!
23 Oct 2010, 6:46 AM
Fucking awful.
Its the way it goes when you feed a poor dog. He almost always goes bock to his self-pity wallow.
Some people think that Moby Dick is about a man after a whale. Im glad to see that you see more than that in it.
I can see your pain
to give out life in full richness -
the greatest of all gift and to now be held down
And be bound out of life itself...
what a pity definition of life....
for anyone ... woman or not
I like it all, especially 2nd verse, but am distracted by 1st line and 11th
Nice, I love the last stanza. If you took out some of the complete sentences/wasted words like "that" and "the", I think it would be even better.
I would separate every and day if I were you, because everyday isn't the same as every day, everyday implies boring or commonplace.
dieing=dying (last stanza)
in the first stanza, I think it should say "an awkward little runt" because in that stanza you are talking about yourself in 1st and 3rd person, and saying "The awkward little runt" sounds like another voice is saying it.
nice sex/hunt Ahab
very personal free-verse. in general i liked it. the third segment seems kind-of unnecessary, at least as its own distinct unit. if not, i would reverse the order of II and III. the end of III and beginning of II have an obvious connection, and "why are you here?" is a much better ending place.
i don't mind the language - clever enough - but the emotional content i find a bit dry. maybe that's the whole point, but i'm not really feeling it.
i like the overall sentiment. this feels like it hasn't been edited yet. write it however you like, but i would write it:
I am cursed. I give
yet receive nothing.
I gave everything.
Now I'm stuck, sitting
on the dead orchid petals
you keep watering
for the illusion of life.
I desire freedom.
give me back
my body.
i like the form, and the last line. the rest, however, needs work in my view. the adjectives are standard.
simple, elegant, i like it! ;)
sincere, if imprecise.
Sounds like a typical American city rather than Germany.
Miaow.
This is a delightful poem about a puppy, albeit with some grammatical errors. Why not submit it to my lovely new website: http://ednaspoetrysite.proboards.com ? I would if I were you...
Odd. Try getting more comments by submitting it to: http://ednaspoetrysite.proboards.com ? I would if I were you...
I remember the ancient times when, if memory presents truth, you were young and wrote young. Now this is good, shrouded just enough. Poemranker is abandoned now, all hands jumped ship. It must leave an able seaman wondering why he signed on.