As one who writes lyrics as well and currently have some under contract, this is a good start. The ideas in this are coming off as original but seem too forced to be strong. I do like that you added the music chords and notes, something that I am working towards. Do not be afraid to look at all genres in music to inspire you. I write for anything from Bluegrass to Reggae to Ska to Folk, it makes you a better songwriter in some ways. This is a good start.

Too many forced rhymes. The concept is original but the forced rhymes ruin it. Good start though.

This helps. Another thing that would help if aspiring Lyricists would test out their themes in different poetry forms to learn how to use the rhymes better. Villanelle, Rondau, Pantoum, and even Sonnets. This is a great list thanks for posting it up.

Seems incomplete. Perhaps " You left ( me ) wanting ( Leaving me to come ) back for more ". Do not be afraid to involve more imagery, metaphors on the wind, windmills, even references to being Don Quixote or Sancho Panza and relationships being the mythical dragon. Typo on " too " should be " to " instead.

I like the originality of this. I think though, that if you experimented with the rhyme scheme it could make it stronger. Maybe a chorus would help as well.

This is original and a great start. " to and tune " throws me off but the rest is good. Perhaps a chorus would be good to add, just a thought.

First stanza a bit lengthy but good, second not so much. Too many forced rhymes and bizarre images of cuckoo birds acting like the cow bird or a raptor such as a hawk that cause devastation in the bird world, or even the crow or raven.

Forced rhymes and clichéd whines. A-A-B-C-B-C...A-A-B-B...A/A-B-C-B the rhyme scheme. A/A means implied/slant rhyme, not working here.

If I could use an eraser on the first part it would make it better.Do you have any real lyrics offereings or is this a fun game for you ?

Do you read these out loud after you write them ? There are so many " forced rhymes " and clichés that it's painful to read. I would suggest that you look at the lyrics of real songs like Lennon's " Jealous Guy " and Reed's " Endlessly Jealous " to see how you can say so much with so little. Think about metaphors, symbolism, and even using catch phrases to renew this write. As it is, needs a lot of work.

neat!

After all those voyages, rollin' on the sea, my laddie comes sailin' back to me. Was it with she or with he, he'd rather be? In India or California? No matter, long as my laddie's commin' back to me.

THIS MAKES MY NECK HARD *0*

You should totally come back!!

Surely the smells would have reminded you of your trailer park home?

The best bit was {Pause} I think.

Yay indeed! :)

Nicely written. I could see where this was going and you have the imageery done well too; but I'd rather you lose some of the unnecessary words like.... 'so she knew he was', 'she had outlived them all' and instead just give a full impact imagery in phrase form. Losing some of those unnecessary words would make it more impressive than it already is.

Englsish tanka does not have to harness itself to 57577, but here you do it without feeling harnessed. The only exception might be that "delight" and "pleasure" are about the same.

it seems strange that anyone, even you, could give "any gift in the world." Gifts seem more like the special traits that make each of us unique. Yet I fee the captivity of it.