half.italian
on Reunification, the Pong by http://mulberryfairy
22 Jan 2010, 11:37 PM
Nice imagery....but forced. It doesn't feel natural.
I liked the first few lines because I could keep the beat.
That must have been all you had going, because once I lost the beat, I hated it.
and hot me?
Not bad for a brit.
Can you please fix this a bit for me. Just add some "a"s. I love it.
Do you choose to breath?
pewter sky
:)
No doubt.
Léon Theremin
why not when it was cold? is love when you want it or is it good all the time?
Thanks for responding. :)
ok...It was just a simple point in time type thing, but I see where you are going.
What type of payoff do you generally look for in a poem?
I guess I was only trying to convey a feeling. Nothing more. I see that it could seem "incomplete" for some people.
I'll see if I can expand on it.
Have you submitted anything recently? This site needs some tlc from poem makers.
Not in the purest sense Free Verse. It feels forced at times, perhaps running the theme through different forms and changing the rhyme scheme could strengthen it.
This is awesome. Original and powerful keep it up, the world needs writings like this.
This is very well written. There is hope after all.
Apart from Tom Petty, and some Bollywood films, Free Verse lyrics are rare. This however has a lot of clichés and the pacing is way off. These do read as lyrics with the repeated stanzas. You need to seriously rethink your efforts on this and try to write something more original.
The difference between poetry and a page out of a diary is very considerable here.
I am absolutely confused by the lack of sense in this and the structure of some lines makes it worse. If this was intended to be abstract, it's too structured, and it's structure is too abstract.
I'm finding out how clichéd this writing is. If you want this thing to be better, come up with more original thinking. This sounds like every POP song I hate.