Re: Non-Partisan by MacFrantic	Caducus 86.141.200.125	2-Jun-06/6:23 AM
i feel like this sometimes, line 2 is good but it seems to be in fash every year.
Re: Belle Melange/The Curse of Millhaven by lmp	Caducus 86.141.200.125	2-Jun-06/6:25 AM
Opening 2 lines of S3 are the thorn in this, other than that it holds together in a frayed kinda way.
Re: trained by calliope	Caducus 86.141.200.125	2-Jun-06/6:26 AM
solid.
Re: Numbers add to nothing by Caducus	lmp 141.154.134.3	2-Jun-06/9:19 AM
still bothered by the sixteen smiles. perhaps sixteens sighs of relief, or sixteen easier souls, or something. the half closed eyes that you suiggested would convey either boredom or sleepiness... the title still does not work for me; i feel as Dovina mentioned. still, the rewrite helped a bit. <8>
Re: I Never Promised You a Rose Garden by oneglove	Ranger 62.252.32.15	2-Jun-06/11:17 AM
This is strong although the rhythm is interrupted in line 8 and the final two lines. Perhaps: 'He still loves them' 'From dark November/The light of spring'
Re: Heil Pope by Caducus	Ranger 62.252.32.15	2-Jun-06/11:23 AM
I get the point of this, but I feel it would be stronger if it was less direct. 'Heil Father' would make for a catchier title, and 'heil' is an awkward word to use in a haiku because the way it's pronounced is borderline 1-2 syllables ('hai-yull').
Re: When You Wish by Enkidu	Ranger 62.252.32.15	2-Jun-06/11:29 AM
Catchy, although the flow could be worked on in a few places - for example the first line's pretty abrupt. Maybe make it: 'I watched a star that/wasn't really shooting...' Nice rhymes though and the end has a decent ambiguity to it; the contrast between not believing something and still having that glimmer of hope that the mysteries you believed in as a child might just be true. Or something like that.
Re: Won’t Somebody Be My Friend by amanda_dcosta	Ranger 62.252.32.15	2-Jun-06/11:36 AM
Wow, that was a lengthy read. I like the fundamental setup of the piece but you lose the rhythm in places and it needs to be solid throughout, because if it does, the swift flow of it will make the poem feel less epic to the reader. Stanza 1 was the best; you stuck close to the way in which an old man would tell his tales there. In stanzas 2 and 3 it gets quite abstract - talking about feelings, beliefs etc. - whereas someone talking about their life would be more likely to use events to convey emotions. There are some lines/passages in here which are very forced; these really ought to be worked out - if you're telling a tale, keep the sentence structure pretty much identical to how it would be if you were writing this as a chunk of prose. I'll let somebody else take over here...
Re: A Sleepless Night by EJHW	lmp 141.154.134.3	2-Jun-06/3:26 PM
nice sentiment. not sure the world is all at peace if the wind is rustling and you are sleepless... but it is a minor point. a couple of (mostly rhythmic) refinements: S2L4 needs -> need. S4L2 "somewhere yet undiscovered". as written, the "still not" stumbled the rhythm. S2L1 one too many syllables, mucks up the rhythm. lose "vast" maybe. S2L4 reverse not & yet. somehow, my mouth wants to pronounce the "y" after "peace" moreso than the "n". the strongest two stanzas are the last two. i do like the rhyme of "discovered" and "beloved" nice; a bit of tweaking will help.
Re: Won’t Somebody Be My Friend by amanda_dcosta	lmp 141.154.134.3	2-Jun-06/3:40 PM
i have to agree with Cadacus on this one. as i read the last few stanzas, i felt little pity. after all, what *did* you leave behind? in fact, other than getting married and having family as a child, what did you do for other people at all? what ways did you make anyone's life better on this earth? the story seems to keep asking for handouts, at first for basic food shelter and clothing, then for employment, and then for unconditional friendship. the story is anything but inspiring. there is nothing that tells how you overcame adversity, how you persevered when times were tough, just that you did, somehow. also the part about just "getting a wife" seems a bit too glossed over. she just felt bad for you and married you and took you into her life? i appreciate what you are trying to do here, but it lacks substance, soul, and compassion of its own. it comes across as only a self-pitying plea.
Re: A Sleepless Night by EJHW	Ranger 62.252.32.15	2-Jun-06/4:29 PM
Agreed with Imp, I'd also suggest you need a little more tactility in the last two stanzas and a few more rhythmic/grammatical alterations. 'Mist of sadness does remain' is a nice line, but personally I dislike use of 'do/does' as syllabic filler - it brings nothing grammatically and could be overcome easily ('mist of sadness still remains', or something similar). As far as first posts go, though, I've seen much worse. Welcome to poemranker - my tip is that if you want comments (which I assume you do) you're going to need to give a lot out. People seem to have been very quiet recently; you need to get their attention.
regarding some deleted poem...	7!3 218.208.215.90	4-Jun-06/10:27 PM
haha i like this.. nice one :)
Re: Nomads by amanda_dcosta	Caducus 86.141.200.125	5-Jun-06/1:50 AM
Now this is real good and line 3 is the thoughts i would share when i see the same view. V.good
Re: A Schizophrenic by amanda_dcosta	Caducus 86.141.200.125	5-Jun-06/1:53 AM
Some of the rhymings off due to a sense of allegiance of rhtme over substance but their is also some good lines notably 17-19 and first stza fairly good.
Re: The Angel at the arcade (this is actually an 'acne') by scitz	Ranger 62.252.32.15	5-Jun-06/9:15 AM
Damnation, I was going to steal this to read aloud at a convention of poets in the hopes of stealing all the glory. You are the master of pimpliterature (not to be confused with pimp literature, something altogether different) and as such will always be awarded tens due to the dictates of the Mediocrity Checkliste. I have to admit, the place missed you, not that I've been around all that much, but still. 90 percent of all the poetry I've read online (mostly on MySpace) conforms to the stylistic regulations of this piece. I've left a few comments with people telling them what they've done wrong, but rarely ever been replied to. However, I'd like to suggest that the definition of a Pimple ought to be updated to include 'Must contain at least one reference to a rose'.
Re: An Invitation From Poetry.com by scitz	Ranger 62.252.32.15	5-Jun-06/9:19 AM
If you could read that poem out loud in front of 2500 poets (from 58 countries worldwide!) and keep a straight face you would deserve your $200.00 value! Love the salad idea.
Re: Herencia Latina by Ranger	amanda_dcosta 202.164.142.153	6-Jun-06/10:30 AM
Ranger, this is wonderful. A riddle poem, I must say. If it wasn't for Imp's insight I was getting quite distracted by Dovina's ideas, wondering what in the world could you be so precisely explaining. Am not familiar with viole, is it to do with a shade of violet? Am clueless.
Re: Won’t Somebody Be My Friend by amanda_dcosta	ALChemy 71.75.176.68	6-Jun-06/1:29 PM
The cadence of your rhyme is too upbeat for a somber poem. One half expects a punchline at the end, which could actually work. See: Then an angel came to apologize -"We just noticed your last name's Bitler."- -"Turns out all this terrible time we thought we were screwing with Hitler."
Re: Herencia Latina by Ranger	ALChemy 71.75.176.68	6-Jun-06/1:47 PM
Is the red light your McGuffin? Honestly, it could be a million thing but I can't think of the one it should be.
Re: Split Me by Sunny	Ranger 62.252.32.15	7-Jun-06/5:10 AM
Hey Sunny, as promised I'm still reading through a couple of your poems although my brain isn't tuned in at the moment. I can see something behind this poem but at the moment it's blurry. I have been pretty tired recently (lots of football etc.) so bear with me. As usual the lines are great to read and well structured. As a general point though, I'd be wary of using words such as 'irrupting' - uncommon words which closely resemble much more widely-used ones. It's just that if the reader doesn't have as wide a vocabulary as you (as is the case with most of us) they're going to be prone to assuming you've made a mistake. I've read enough of your poems to know that you don't make such errors, but a reader who doesn't have instant access to references (i.e. dictionary.com) may be put off unjustly. Well, that's it for now...I hope I start thinking properly again soon.