Re: Whispers to Isabelle by Caducus	Dovina 24.84.215.72	1-Jun-06/7:40 AM
This looking back and seeing him in every reflection and distorted mirror image has got to stop. You're no help with that. Good poem.
Re: I WANT TO BE THE PRESIDENT! by mindsigns	Ranger 62.252.32.15	1-Jun-06/9:33 AM
Amusing, presumably accurate. Loved the combination of big red buttons and foreign suppers. 'Airforce One spells FUN FUN FUN!'...heh...
Re: Descendent by MacFrantic	Ranger 62.252.32.15	1-Jun-06/10:01 AM
If it's any consolation, I got the play in the title. I'd have preferred it if the second line in every couplet hadn't been so brief - very jarring as it is, and line 2 - 'see' was far too colloquial for the child of a goddess. Still, it has an immensely apocalyptic feel to it.
Re: Farm animals by INTRANSIT	Ranger 62.252.32.15	1-Jun-06/1:40 PM
Just a hint of pride there? Good work, my friend - best of luck as well.
Re: razorblade kisses by wordpainter	Ranger 62.252.32.15	1-Jun-06/1:57 PM
Okay, let's see what can be said about this one. I'd recommend not writing about suicide or self-harm in poetry for the most part; if you have a look through the archives here you will find thousands of poems all running along the same lines as this. That's not to say that you shouldn't write about it if it's something you want to write about, but you have to bear in mind that the audience (i.e. other poemranker users) will have seen more 'pain' poetry than we'd like to remember so if you want it to be read, it has to be seriously memorable. Be inventive, be unique, be as original as you can. Read, say, thirty suicide poems on here, note every recurring phrase or image, and never use them in anything you write. The best way to be creative is by devising new metaphors. Often a poem which is written with a gentle surface but creepier undertones is far more hard-hitting than a poem which just says 'I cut myself'. The ultimate achievement is to write a piece which seems all happy and joyful, but leaves the reader with a nagging doubt until they finally realise that it's about bestial necrophilia. Or something like that. Next point - the eternal rule is 'show, don't tell'. If you show me a scene with enough clues for me to interpret it, I will be far more interested than if you tell me there's a dead body in a river. Last point for now (I'll come back to this if you want) - don't write about abstract emotions and concepts too much. Use strong, powerful images (and other poetic devices) and these will automatically carry the force of whatever feelings you're trying to convey. Well that's it for now, good luck with your writing. I'd advise giving a few comments and votes to people, otherwise you may find yourself lacking - particularly at the moment; hardly anyone's saying anything at the moment. Peace
Re: Painkillers for Fun by Sunny	Sunny 65.118.48.2	1-Jun-06/2:06 PM
Ranger, Honored at the score...once again, despite all the sloppy imperfections of original versions. Thanks for choosing to comment on a few of my poems out of the many out there that are actually good, some of the time-I never said that :0 In reference back to your persistantly knowledgable comments: -I'll move blinked (which is definitely a verb in this line's context), to the line above, for a 'smoother ride'-you're right Ranger -The whole dog usage...honestly...what? Please explain what you are referring to; I'm totally lost on that one -I did get carried away like a mad woman on my white kick, thanks for pointing that out...I mean, I would hope people would tell me if I my bikini top slid off in the water & I had no clue...ya know?? Thanks for everything :) ~Sunny
Re: Still Air Sticks by Sunny	Ranger 62.252.32.15	1-Jun-06/2:15 PM
I see nothing grammatically wrong with this. Morrows are also merely 'mornings', with a little interpretation that line makes perfect sense to me, although it is admittedly a fairly archaic usage of the word. What I love about your poetry (among other things) is that I just keep getting drawn back...whenever I think I've cracked something, I see something else which could lead to another route of interpretation. I don't often find that balance in poetry. Not only that, but I always find myself learning new vocabulary and advanced lexicon without the poem feeling at all stilted. I like having to do a bit of research when I'm reading poems, and you leave enough clues within the lines to point me in the right direction. As for this particular poem, well I have a few ideas brewing about it to which I will return tomorrow. For now I'll just say that if my inclination is right, and I figure this one out without too much assistance, this is probably your best so far. I wouldn't normally vote this early in a reading, but to nullify the trolling damage here's a 9. I'll be back to this one though, rest assured.
Re: Herencia Latina by Ranger	lmp 141.154.134.3	1-Jun-06/2:54 PM
i think maybe this is about a girl you met once that may have been a bit too much your junior (hence the parole whispering). the red light i took to be the setting sun, and the lune (a cresent shape) is made from the curve of the horizon against the arc of the sun. what you cannot control is the passing of the day (marked by the setting sun) and maybe you had to say goodbye at that point... i am guessing that her heritage upon your fingertips may represent some heavy petting going on... or maybe you two were just dancing a sultry flamenco (or other latin dance): "strong lines beneath my sliding touch" we also know that there is some singing going on (latin again), not only by S6L1, but also from the reference to silence broken by staves and the curving cries - ululations - that i would relate specifically to flamenco. now, this is lovely. very colorful, and a hint of bittersweet current beneath the memory of a remarkable experience. the mystery to me is the mention of "white scars hewn"...
Re: Whispers to Isabelle by Caducus	lmp 141.154.134.3	1-Jun-06/3:21 PM
please pardon me, but isn't the ottoman an exceptional place for lovemaking? mm! seriously, this is one of those owrks that really hits home with its simplicity, or rather its spartan nature. by using a few choice workds, you convey the sorrow wonderfully. it is interesting that you remember her both happy at you and unhappy with you - and then in ecstasy with you (make up sex?) - in that order. my only suggestion for this is to use a different verb for the last line in S3; you already used "screaming" for the angry image, so maybe a different one for the ecstatic one... otherwise, top notch... and my condolences.
Re: I WANT TO BE THE PRESIDENT! by mindsigns	lmp 141.154.134.3	1-Jun-06/3:29 PM
"for you voted for my second term." did we now? he lost the popular vote, i thought. so really, the electoral college got him his second term. like the satire. and the repeated line in () reminds me of a song on a german tecno album: http://www.cduniverse.com/search/xx/music/pid/1389536/a/Das+Boot.htm if you can get hold of it, the song is track 6 "I Wanna Be A Kennedy". take a listen... love anything that takes a shot at Dubya. just work a bit on the rhythm; it reads a little choppy to me.
Re: Belle Melange/The Curse of Millhaven by lmp	lmp 141.154.134.3	1-Jun-06/3:39 PM
oops.... saw a mistake in the last line: i left out the word "little". i guess i will edit and lose the vote. feel free to re-vote, Ranger! heh
Re: I WANT TO BE THE PRESIDENT! by mindsigns	some deleted user 64.140.228.26	2-Jun-06/3:48 AM
I am in full agreement with Imp. Anything that takes a shot at Dubya works for me. good job.
Re: Herencia Latina by Ranger	some deleted user 64.140.228.26	2-Jun-06/3:52 AM
Great work as usual.
Re: FM.PM by oneglove	amanda_dcosta 202.164.142.153	2-Jun-06/5:48 AM
Not too bad. It's pretty simple and I think goes along common time. I tried putting a tune to it and must say that it passes for a song though, if following precise rhythms, it doesn't fit in. I think I could give you a -7- safetly.
Re: I Never Promised You a Rose Garden by oneglove	amanda_dcosta 202.164.142.153	2-Jun-06/5:54 AM
I bet you know this one... "I beg your pardon, I never promised you a rose garden along with the sunshine you're gonna need a little rain sometime." (Song--Rose Garden by Linda Anderson, or so)
Re: Farm animals by INTRANSIT	amanda_dcosta 202.164.142.153	2-Jun-06/5:57 AM
Huh?
Re: I WANT TO BE THE PRESIDENT! by mindsigns	amanda_dcosta 202.164.142.153	2-Jun-06/6:02 AM
Which President do you want to be.... George Bush? Think again buddy, you might really be inviting a 'kick me kick me'. Other than that,... I like it.
Re: I WANT TO BE THE PRESIDENT! by mindsigns	amanda_dcosta 202.164.142.153	2-Jun-06/6:03 AM
P.S. I think this could go as lyrics
Re: Won’t Somebody Be My Friend by amanda_dcosta	Caducus 86.141.200.125	2-Jun-06/6:18 AM
Few problems in this one are it's too self pitying which shrouds any chance of empathy. Death's face could be elaborated on, its the one bit that interested me. Needs to be shorter and more impacting.
regarding some deleted poem...	Caducus 86.141.200.125	2-Jun-06/6:21 AM
lines 6-8 took me to LAX for a while and I have never been there. Pretty solid, little gods in blue could be shortened to wailing gods in blue or something to that effect.