tadpole
on some deleted poem
10 Oct 2003, 9:30 PM
Depressing, but well written
Touchinng the bottom of a lake with bare feet is the grossest thought imaginable.
that's definitely 10 material, definitely
that's definitely 10 material, definitely
Puts the physics back in metaphysical -
I really like the sounds made by
"you will never deserve" ... / "of farulous verve"
"I'm just a cracka flowin',
not really knowin',"
YOU SHALL HAVE YOUR BIG ONE ZERO!
I think he had a code in his dose.
He was telling you to keep it in your genes.
no.... no - NOT THE SWANS!
Hey - I like this.
Fortunately I didn't read your disclaimer until afterward, it might have given away the surprise.
Nice work.
"In perfect position."
Everything about angels is perfection - glad you had that word there.
I didn't notice the repetition with "the gun" as I read it, which is cool.
I think this would be particularly good as a character outline - I feel a story coming on.
... and not a drop to drink.
I like it - I would like it more if the word "almost" killed itself.
maybe replace it with another modifier. like "gentle", or sumfin.
works for me.
Nice as a lyric - I think the second stanza would make a nice refrain.
A beautiful account of sympathy sex gone wild.âº
I give you another 10 on this most excellent piece, So that my ink driddles might drop below it where they rightfully belong. This one should always be in the #1
The last line does not fit the rest of the poem very well. A little work on it and this poem would be fairly good.