edpeterson
on Barometric pressure & true love (The prince of storms) by Jeremi B. Handrinos
13 Apr 2004, 7:43 AM
Jeremi B. Handrinos? LOL.
I'd like to see a greater emphasis on the apron and less about your emotions.
I absolutely love this poem. I applaud the synical tone of its anti-consumeristic message, although it does sound a bit like a Earth Liberation Front homepage message. Nevertheless, kudos.
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
13 Apr 2004, 8:31 AM
I don't know who "you" is, can just guess. Otherwise good images.
A bit disjointed and unfocused it seems. Could do without the last line.
pretty good write, but not a haiku. It seems like it might be a hook for a longer poem.
Love the simplicity of slate gray sky.
a bit weird looking, eh?
The third stanza is supposed to have four lines
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
13 Apr 2004, 12:30 PM
This is better. A bit sing-songy, I'd call it lyric, but definitely better.
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
13 Apr 2004, 12:37 PM
The last line falls a bit contrdictory. The idea "to impress anyone" leads to disappointment or worse - to success. "Wasting the world's time" Hmmmmm - sounds like fun, think I'll try it.
s1 - s3 flow pretty well. I think that when you start a pattern like this, you commit yourself to follow it through to the end. When you change patterns midway through, it sends a reader wandering.
son's -> sons
writher -> wither
in to -> into
minaret's -> minarets
urn's -> urns
Some good images here!
Definitely one of your best.
Love the last two lines.
No offense, hypatia and Shuushin, but I can't help noticing that the most-commented-on-poems of the day are about (what a surprise) ROSES and SNOWFALL. I mean, I agree that this is one of your best posts, but it's about ROSES!! ROOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHSESSSSSS!!!!
But what about the trousers? For the love of God, what happened to the trousers?!
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
13 Apr 2004, 3:31 PM
Okay, it's about MMMMUUURRRRRDDDEEEEERRRRRR!!! But only because you told me as a comment to my "A Rose." And now I know who "you" is, and I'm afraid. Strange how one word from the author changes the entire mood.
I think the idea of Least Squares would work here, minimizing the sum of squared differences from something and thereby deriving a best-fit curve. This seems to ramble some, a bit repititious, but still it's a good take on the tug-of-war.
This poem is a little perplexing, but you're not a dunce, as some say, and your poemes are not bulging johnnies of lost hope. A field trip to the heavens!
Well, I'm still a little miffed that you didn't come to my desperate aid on "The People" - but I forgive you.
hefty wood pigeon... is this a type of pigeon, or are you telling me the pigeon is hefty and made of wood? I sincerely thought the latter until I started trying to help you come up with a way to say it was hefty without saying "hefty". And now I feel dumb.
Is the last stanza part of a question?
maple it is, maple it isn't...