Re: Thinking by dancin_n_da_moonlite	25-Jan-06/7:22 PM
I not a fan of poems that reflect a thought directly. I wan't a story. Where's the story?
Re: Rain by dancin_n_da_moonlite	25-Jan-06/7:21 PM
Looks are deceiving.
Re: Unfortunate Lover by elderking	25-Jan-06/7:01 PM
This is very sweet. And I'd venture to guess a common experience these days. All the woman I know who are married are married to younger men. You portray your feelings so sweetly that I was left feeling- "I know why he loves her". Would your younger self have been able to appreciate this relationship as you do now ? It's wonderful when a poem has a hidden dimension tucked into it. I'm sure it's un-intentional but it's there. the last line in the 2nd stanza- You might consider continuing the metaphor of seasons representing ages, and instead of the adj. 'earlier' try 'spring' or 'summer'etc... The first line of the last stanza- This is a tiny thing but I think saying "won't" instead of "can't" sounds more certain, and that shows the woman in the poem accepting herself and the fact that this man loves her as is. Also in this stanza you mix tenses slightly. The 3rd line would reflect better on the 1st with 'your love will soften'
Re: Desperate Season by Sisterwolf	21-Jan-06/9:49 PM
Things I Like About This Poem: Terrific assonance and alliterations. 'Between the dawn and darkening there are so few hours of living.' That's a kick ass line. 'Beds are singing' Personally, each winter I wish for summer afternoons, and each summer I look forward to a cold winter's night. The "grass is always greener", that's me. Things I'm Not Crazy About In This Poem: Winter's death is Spring, isn't it? Winter's chilled and stark bearing has fingers. I cannot picture this. I can picture death or winter having fingers, but not either's mien having fingers. Death is used twice within four lines. At first the subject is death and then the subject becomes earth's death. The inconsistency is distracting me. Ancient man. Too vague, too broad. I know there's a better way to say this. How is beyond me(of course, it's always easier said than done). This poem has an erudite mien; 'ancient man' looks lost. Like it was looking for an elementary school textbook and somehow walked into this poem. If the bed is singing I don't think the covers should be humming. How do you feel about the bed singing of warmth etc...? Or the bed could be singing songs of..., lullabies of..., or hymns to warmth and desperate escape. Maybe it would be best to leave the covers out of it. The two sentences in the penultimate stanza seem like questions, yet there are no question marks. Am I reading it wrong? That whole thing about winter not segueing into summer might be solved if you removed 'Then' from the beginning of the stanza. Oh, I'm also very fond of 'one stray thread of sun'. Thread is a perfect metaphor; thin, elusive, and it echos the notion of a thread of hope.
Re: a comment on Best left unsaid (trust first instincts edit, w/thanks) by ecargo	21-Jan-06/8:15 PM
You did conjure me, absolutely. The words are perfect. Maybe you can mess around with the structure so you're happier with it, but the images are powerful and consistent. The first time i read this I understood the palate to be compared to a the whale's ribs somehow. now I see it's to the whale's own palate. I just automatically pictured a rib cage just under the whales skin. Hmmmm. Is the last verse in future tense? The rest seems all present. In the fourth line it's future tense. Maybe instead of 'would' 'will' might work there a little better. Maybe 'a palate should be 'your palate' or 'my palate'. My tongue’s loose slide will soon let slip this truth, bruised blue behind these sentinel teeth. We meet, touch, fuck. But we seldom speak more than surface gloss-- From niceties to wordless heat. We move With your hand warm on my neck. I swallow words thick with promise, and glistening like larva trapped in tissue webs, my palate ridged as a whale's. Words that grow pallid like mushrooms in that echoless dark, made slick with the sweat of caves. I devour you, A carnal glide, soft as a worm, down, down, in my rich earth.
Re: a comment on Best left unsaid (trust first instincts edit, w/thanks) by ecargo	20-Jan-06/6:23 PM
By the way, you should try submitting this. I'll read your others, right now I've got another engagement. Chiao.
Re: a comment on Best left unsaid (trust first instincts edit, w/thanks) by ecargo	20-Jan-06/6:20 PM
I have a terminal case of writer's block. That, along with my horror at reading my previous comments was enough to keep me away. When first I left, i'd check the site occasionally for anything worth reading, but we all know what a shot in the dark that is. I haven't visited the site in about 10 months. How serendipitous. The poem is good. "Sentinel teeth" has a complexity of meaning and it's placed wonderfully between bruising & fucking. (Oh how our bodies do betray us) It's an honest poem. I can feel it. It's human. "Trapped in tissue webs" is sensual, that along with the following line is spot on. Anatomically accurate and emotional all at once.
Re: Torment From The Undead by XxRuby_KillsXx	7-Aug-04/11:01 PM
"...until I make what they say is the right choice. "I will extenuate the enemies... " Your 'level of ignorance' is olympic.
Re: From the despairs by Prince of Void	7-Aug-04/10:57 PM
Hauntingly awful.
Re: Mors Omnia Solvit by shit	5-Aug-04/12:17 PM
Boooring! Where's the story?
Re: The Serpent People by horus8	5-Aug-04/12:09 PM
Powerful.
Re: Counting seconds for blowing this world up by Prince of Void	5-Aug-04/11:50 AM
Muddled. where's the story, bud?
Re: The recovery room by katinchina	3-Aug-04/5:11 PM
Great title, rough-sketch poetics. The 12th & 13th lines are tops without the 'Still'up front. "C.... to s...., c... for s...". Though the title csught my eye, it does not jive with the poem. Where's the recovery? Looks like death to me.
Re: Flying things by INTRANSIT	22-Jul-04/12:16 PM
Fine poem. I would have to say your writing is possibly the most improved on this site. If there was a prize for that, I would definitely nominate you. That said; You change tense in the second stanza- 'I could bleed...' 'as I fought...' It's either 'I bled...' or 'as I fight...'. I can't understand how your using 'weaponry' are you saying the pen's weaponry(where weaponry is used as an adj.) or are you saying the pen IS weaponry(where weaponry is used as a noun)? I don't think that word is working for you. 'Because I know it's (violence, murder, tendency, thirst etc...)' Shouldn't it be 'MY reluctance' in the first stanza? Otherwise I think it's perfect. A nice economy of words.
Re: a comment on A Girl’s Climax by Dovina	13-Jul-04/5:39 PM
Ha Ha, and this from a woman who defines herself as some guy's lady. Paaaa-leeeeese!
Re: Zin/Enough/Things/Squeeze/Flow by gregsamsa222	13-Jul-04/5:21 PM
I'm willing to bet, no matter what other poems I ever read, this will always be the best one. All that I love about literature is contained within this poem.
Re: Desperation by gavinduff	13-Jul-04/5:11 PM
I feel tingly all over!
Re: The Spaz by ?-Dave_Mysterious-?	13-Jul-04/5:07 PM
This is clearly not a sonnet, shame on you. Stick to the rules buddy.
Re: Wind by Dovina	13-Jul-04/1:49 PM
Do you need the 'as' in the last line? When I read this my mind automatically left it out. The second sentence might work better as the first. The lonesome wind driven against its will; ...
Re: Differences by gavinduff	7-Jul-04/12:38 PM
Remove the last sentence. You don't have to give the punchline away. 'Life sustain' is a silly pun, it doesn't work.