Re: a comment on A Walk in the Park by Dovina	3-Feb-06/7:06 PM
if you mean thorn you should probably write thorn. Or thorny rose.
Re: Even the elephants by ecargo	3-Feb-06/6:43 PM
The 3rd stanza should be left alone, it works. 'Now the elephants know' clashes with 'they have learned the high places' you could put 'for' at the beginning of the second line or you could take that first line off the top and place it somewhere towards the bottom. Try reading it starting on the second line, it makes a much better intro. I don't think the sky could hide itself. Although it might work if it stood perfectly still in the corner with a lampshade on its head. If by 'hail' you mean bullets, I think you should search for a better symbol. 'Hard hail' sounds like hard hail, hail can kill afterall. The first line might fit nicely above the last two lines of your poem.
Re: Exodus of Babylon by SupremeDreamer	3-Feb-06/6:24 PM
Holy shit.
Re: a comment on A Walk in the Park by Dovina	3-Feb-06/6:13 PM
I beg to differ. First of all 'Ecclesiastes' which is derived from the latin title Ecclesiasticus, is NOT a person's name. It means- †he Church book. If this book had been written by a King of Jerusalem it would be in the Torah, and it is not. The Authors name is Jesus Ben Sirach'. The book was translated into Greek by the author's grandson in 132 BC. This translation was eventually adopted into the bible of the Greek church. Hence the name. Secondly, by the end of the book the author concludes; "Fear God, and keep his commandments for this is the whole duty of man.' 12:14 The author laments that life 'means' pain and sorrow and death. But then he explains that each has a choice; to be wise or to be foolish. The entire book is peppered with examples of the good things in life; Love, youth, food, drink, friendship, wisdom. As much as you possibly can, fill your life with these good things, and rejoice now, while you're still a sentient being. I think what Szymborska's says regarding Ecclesiasticus is hogwash.
Re: Valentine? by celticskatermatt1	1-Feb-06/8:06 PM
looks like it's written by a hop-hop Eskimo trying to crossover to boy-band inspired greeting cards.
Re: a comment on Even the elephants by ecargo	1-Feb-06/8:02 PM
It seems that you've already conjured the images, you only need to find the proper words. Don't give up on this.
Re: Penny Loafer Blues by ALChemy	1-Feb-06/7:58 PM
Creative idea(very creative). I think you should trim it a little for greater impact. But don't fiddle with it too much, it might lose its charm.
Re: A Cleansing Of Creeds by Caducus	1-Feb-06/5:36 PM
This is damn good. The first two stanzas don't add anything to the statement made here
Re: Even the elephants by ecargo	1-Feb-06/5:33 PM
It's a bit strained. Though I do like the use of mostly one syllable words, it seems to stutter and I can't get a clear image. You've out-Plathed Plath.
Re: Les Imagistes by Nicholas Jones	31-Jan-06/7:43 PM
I wish i could understand this philosophy. Are you saying that in their quest for purity( a poem without any unproductive lines), the imagists are taking the narrow view? If they would not be so precise and allow themselves to poetically wander to the point of actually opposing some statement within the poem, that the poem would be better for it? As for the this poem I think it's quite good. Though it weakens in the third and fourth stanzas. This whole thing about having an idea and creating the poem to fit the idea seems to be the opposite of what the imagists were attempting. I thought the imagists illustrated their experiences allowing meaning to emerge out of the images. Now I've confused myself. It's ironic that lines I love in this poem could be considered imagist. 'But still' seems inappropriate since in the first stanza you use '...noise of the urban morning...' The birds, footsteps and most especially the traffic are urban noises, so the but still looks like your going to reflect on the comparative peace and quiet. The duck image is brilliant. did you invent it?
Re: A Loud Room by MacFrantic	28-Jan-06/2:13 PM
I enjoyed reading this poem. It's got s good strong meter and structure. '...in an overwhelming.'I don't think this works well here. How do you feel about connecting it with the sound and silence of the next line? dissipate in an overwhelming (somethingsomething) of sound & silence. No that won't work because then you pull the rhythm away from 'and I dare not speak'. Maybe start a new stanza after overwhelming? 'To disturb with both' is a bit strained. Can you turn the sentence around? 'and I dare not disturb them both by speaking." You need an adj for dots. '...near is dots' ends to abrubtly for me. "near is ALL dots" "near is ONLY dots" I also believe the rhythm might inprove if you placed and infront of '...dancing hues:'. You've gone this far without telling me it's a TV., so you probably shouldn't do that at all. 'does beg' sounds too antiquated for this poem. Just remove the 'does' and voila!
Re: How small, this sleeping tiger by ecargo	28-Jan-06/1:45 PM
You've got some lovely images here, a very real environment. Somehow I have trouble imagining a cub frisking with hours, but i like batting at time. I can't understand why, but there it is. Since you change from the cub awake to asleep, maybe you should start a new stanza at 'With measured breath.' I don't understand 'tamed to hand.', or 'dogs like mastodons'(those would be some big-ass dogs). I admire the meter and the assonance of the last eight lines. They display your understanding of poetics without being over the top.
Re: Death is a Three Step Process by dancin_n_da_moonlite	26-Jan-06/6:51 PM
I like the title.
Re: Upon Reading "Siddartha" by frahj	25-Jan-06/10:19 PM
It's very difficult to take this seriously.
Re: My Secret by Sway	25-Jan-06/10:11 PM
Get rid of the pronouns and the words ending in 'ing'. All at once a timid violet & an audacious sunflower. All at once a mixture of ideas & beliefs. ..... When did Psyche have to sort & sift seeds?
Re: The True Fate of Humpty Dumpty by Joe-joe	25-Jan-06/10:00 PM
The first parts well down, but then it kind of becomes nonsense. What happened to the sill in the first line?
Re: 52 card pickup (only a test) by crwncka1	25-Jan-06/9:56 PM
This is nutty. Nothing makes sense.
Re: In praise of racism by INTRANSIT	25-Jan-06/9:44 PM
What have you been smokin'?
Re: Relief (Ventilation Shaft rewrite) by cyan9	25-Jan-06/7:34 PM
Uh... well there's certainly plenty of scenery. I've read this 3 times and i still don't know what it's talking about.
Re: The Heart of a Man by Queen of Tease	25-Jan-06/7:31 PM
Metaphors sweetie, metaphors. As sweet as... Thin like....etc. Also 'laid' rhymes enough with 'plain' that you don't need to use the word 'lain'. When i read that line I laughed, and that doesn't seem to be your intention. Also what does rhythm have to do with feeling emotions? If this poem is about something you have experienced then write about what happened to make you feel this way about him.