Re: REM Sleep by mystic enoch	21-Mar-06/7:39 PM
Tell me WHAT you dreamed, not how you felt about it. The poetry is in the details. Feelings alone are boring. If i see aperson crying I might feel sympathy for their sadness but I can't feel empathy or relate to their experience intil they tell me WHAT happened. For the last year or so the only things I can even journal about are dreams. I have no conscious creativity anymore. But my dreams are filled with myth and imagery. Like you my dreams have helped to heal me, but when I write a poem about it I tell what happened in the dream (See Signal of Goodbye http://poemranker.com/poem-details.jsp?id=73336 )and I let the reader deduce what the dream's message means.
Re: a comment on REM Sleep by mystic enoch	21-Mar-06/7:22 PM
So you don't believe in the unconscious mind? Or Freud's idea that human beings place all their repressed fantasies, unexceptable desires and traumas there? What about Dr. Carl Jung's idea that the unconscious isn't merely a receptacle for unresolved phsychological messes but that the unconscious is what rules our lives. A refuge of the Divine. A cosmos with an order and creativity of its own? Dreams are not at all pointless. They tell you everything you wish wasn't true about yourself. And they give insight about the true nature of existence. What's the most recent strange dream you can remember?
Re: Sonnet for Snow by ecargo	20-Feb-06/5:33 PM
Lovely. One small suggestion; change 'the eye turns..' to 'and the eye...' You have 'turns' in the first line and turns with truer is a bit stiff.
Re: a comment on Valentine by zodiac	20-Feb-06/5:13 PM
There's some terrific info and photos at http://www.myalcaponemuseum.com/id27.htm They post a copy of a calendar from that year and the 14th is marked Valentine's day. There are several links at the top of the webpage with loads of articles and photos on the crime. As for tying in Cook's death, again I think that line about killing ourselves like all men do is the obvious link. If you're going to persue this idea,(and I think you should)try ending the poem with a third story about how you've killed yourself(figuratively)or probably will kill yourself(literally or figuratively). Use images from the massacre and Cook's death to illustrate the auto-biographical component. That would be a great poem. In the 30min. or so I spent researching I found out that the massacre ironically contributed to repealing prohibition. So maybe Frank's Valentine to the Irish can be that due to his death, whiskey will be legal again. It might not be easy to pull it off, but it might be worth it.
Re: a comment on In response to by INTRANSIT	13-Feb-06/9:59 PM
Fearful headlights?
Re: In response to by INTRANSIT	13-Feb-06/5:47 PM
Discribe complacent headlights vs. disgruntled, rude or inconsiderate headlights.
Re: Valentine by zodiac	13-Feb-06/5:40 PM
At this point the parentheticals make for a better title. I like the idea of Frank's refusal being a kind of valentine to his killers, if that's what you're after. At this point the text doesn't have that implication. The imaging is right on; criminal, brutally seductive. I love the girl in front of her mirror. There are few things sexier then the simple act of a young women brushing out her hair. And if she's beautiful there's little she wouldn't do for a good mirror. the sawdust/chicken feed analogy is terrific. i can't say why but i rather 'my lapels' be 'the lapels'. why is 'behind' at the end of line 17 instead of the beginning of line 18? Also 'myself's a loss'. Why didn't you say 'I'm a loss'? '... just such uniforms...' killer assonance. 10 for that alone. but when the truth comes... vs. 'but when the truth comes out...' Why'd you choose the latter & not the former? 'And already wandering I' is a good example of a writer documenting his thoughts instead of translating them. It took three readings befor i understood the implication. Once I got it I really liked it. 'But I have killed myself, like all men do' is the message here, in my opinion, and it's just too hidden within the text. i think it would make a strong ending. It's the line that has the most echo.
Re: a comment on Everything That You've Ever Wanted by drnick	10-Feb-06/12:24 PM
It usually takes me several days to finish a poem. Not that I spend the whole time working on it. You have to walk away and come back. I usually keep the idea I'm trying to get across somewhere in my mind, for example your analogy for softness, and I pay attention to words hear or images I see that convey what i'm trying to represent. You can also invision something from your past that was extremely soft(noun or the experience itself) and try to incorporate into the poem.
Re: Everything That You've Ever Wanted by drnick	10-Feb-06/12:11 PM
I read this yesterday and didn't know exactly what bothered me about it. I like this poem, and I love the title, but there are a few thiings you possibly could make better. For example; elope means to runaway, yes, but for the majority it means to runaway with & get married so it kinda confuses things at the start. baby's pillows? Are they softer than children or adult pillows? In the 7th line you move from the sea and moonlight to enourmous atoms. Maybe a break in stanza would give it a much needed segue.
Re: writer's block by Zoetrope	10-Feb-06/11:52 AM
You're a hell of a writer. I'm currently suffering from a tremendous case of writer's block. And the interesting thing is I came on to this sight about 2 weeks ago to get some help. The last time I was really productive was around 3 years ago when I first sign on to this Poet's asylum. Very serendipitis. This is long but it still reads like poetry.
Re: The Acorn Daisies by MacFrantic	9-Feb-06/7:53 PM
The last two lines are excellent. I have to think about the rest. What's 'kindling homes'?
Re: Partying Blind by poetry/poem101	9-Feb-06/7:38 PM
The stories are interesting. I can't believe that any little league would allow such retarded names for teams. If you made these up, make up better ones. If you didn't make these up, than you should make up better ones. Right now this is just a little too cumbersome. I like the authenticity of the voice. It reads as if you are speaking directly to me and that's good. Maybe you can think about seperating these memories. Let each stand alone. Even if it's just with roman numerals or something. I don't really like the one about the optometrist visits. it makes you a less sympathetic character. The title's good. you shouldn't annotate at the end. It's better to finish with a compelling image or statement. For example; 'for the first time in a long time I saw my father.' Maybe you should be writing a screenplay. Actors love playing tormented characters. Blindness makes for good analogies. One question, how do you use a computer?
Re: a comment on A Walk in the Park by Dovina	4-Feb-06/12:06 AM
You are absolutely right. I was under the wrong impression. Ecclesiastes was written by a son of David, king of Jerusalem. Though there is some controversy about which one. Ecclesiaticus is a completly other book. Thank God we had this conversation. Also NIV is translated directly from hebrew & greek. They adhere the philosophy that the intention of the words is what needs to be translated and not the literal words. On their website they give the example of the word 'Vanity', in Greek the word literaly translates as vapor. After much consideration they decided to stay with the traditional 'vanity'. Thanks for helping me pull my head out off my ass.
Re: a comment on A Walk in the Park by Dovina	3-Feb-06/7:47 PM
That's complete bullshit. They don't 'add' dogma but they mislead. I believe those versions where translated from King James and not from Hebrew or Greek. Unfortunately some scholars thought it would be better to translate entire thoughts instead of the words. because fewer and fewer people were reading the Bible they assumed it was because it was written in a old version of english; it wasn't easy to read or understand. Unfortunately one of the side- effects of this is that it becomes inaccurate. these are general purpose translations at best. But there are errors, as in poetry, words have connotations as well as denotations.. Have you read the gospels of Thomas or Mary Magdalene? Oh and if you can get your hands the the Jerusalem Bible buy it. it will set you back 30 smackers but it's worth much more. It's one of the few things the catholics did right. Maybe you can talk someone into getting it for you. A birthday present.
Re: a comment on A Walk in the Park by Dovina	3-Feb-06/7:43 PM
That's complete bullshit. They don't 'add' dogma but they mislead. I believe those versions where translated from King James and not from Hebrew or Greek. Unfortunately some scholars thought it would be better to translate entire thoughts instead of the words. because fewer and fewer people were reading the Bible they assumed it was because it was written in a old version of english; it wasn't easy to read or understand. Unfortunately one of the side- effects of this is that it becomes inaccurate. these are general purpose translations at best. But there are errors. Have you read the gospels of Thomas or Mary Magdalene?
Re: a comment on A Walk in the Park by Dovina	3-Feb-06/7:42 PM
That's complete bullshit. They don't 'add' dogma but they mislead. I believe those versions where translated from King James and not from Hebrew or Greek. Unfortunately some scholars thought it would be better to translate entire thoughts instead of the words. because fewer and fewer people were reading the Bible they assumed it was because it was written in a old version of english; it wasn't easy to read or understand. Unfortunately one of the side- effects of this is that it becomes inaccurate. these are general purpose translations at best. But there are errors. Have you read the gospels of Thomas or Mary Magdalene?
Re: a comment on A Walk in the Park by Dovina	3-Feb-06/7:25 PM
there are sooooo many translations! I have 6 or 7 different ones. And I know there are more, and if I could read greek or hebrew, well then I would be unstoppable! As for what christians in this country commonly believe about the bible, there's so much entrenched mythology about the bible, as well as so much that has been left out or manipulated that I believe most haven't got a clue.
Re: a comment on A Walk in the Park by Dovina	3-Feb-06/7:16 PM
Aha! The connotation of rose for you is personal, I think that's lovely, but the reader might pause there or question it. maybe you could write a poem about the way your father comunicates. Are there other shorthand words he uses?
Re: a comment on A Walk in the Park by Dovina	3-Feb-06/7:12 PM
Oh and I wanted to say that I agree with the philosophy that nothing is new. Maybe different or undiscovered but never new.
Re: a comment on A Walk in the Park by Dovina	3-Feb-06/7:08 PM
The man that wrote it never discribe himself as either. That's a protestant lie.