Re: From the despairs by Prince of Void	7-Aug-04/10:57 PM
Hauntingly awful.
Re: Torment From The Undead by XxRuby_KillsXx	7-Aug-04/11:01 PM
"...until I make what they say is the right choice. "I will extenuate the enemies... " Your 'level of ignorance' is olympic.
Re: Desperate Season by Sisterwolf	21-Jan-06/9:49 PM
Things I Like About This Poem: Terrific assonance and alliterations. 'Between the dawn and darkening there are so few hours of living.' That's a kick ass line. 'Beds are singing' Personally, each winter I wish for summer afternoons, and each summer I look forward to a cold winter's night. The "grass is always greener", that's me. Things I'm Not Crazy About In This Poem: Winter's death is Spring, isn't it? Winter's chilled and stark bearing has fingers. I cannot picture this. I can picture death or winter having fingers, but not either's mien having fingers. Death is used twice within four lines. At first the subject is death and then the subject becomes earth's death. The inconsistency is distracting me. Ancient man. Too vague, too broad. I know there's a better way to say this. How is beyond me(of course, it's always easier said than done). This poem has an erudite mien; 'ancient man' looks lost. Like it was looking for an elementary school textbook and somehow walked into this poem. If the bed is singing I don't think the covers should be humming. How do you feel about the bed singing of warmth etc...? Or the bed could be singing songs of..., lullabies of..., or hymns to warmth and desperate escape. Maybe it would be best to leave the covers out of it. The two sentences in the penultimate stanza seem like questions, yet there are no question marks. Am I reading it wrong? That whole thing about winter not segueing into summer might be solved if you removed 'Then' from the beginning of the stanza. Oh, I'm also very fond of 'one stray thread of sun'. Thread is a perfect metaphor; thin, elusive, and it echos the notion of a thread of hope.
Re: Unfortunate Lover by elderking	25-Jan-06/7:01 PM
This is very sweet. And I'd venture to guess a common experience these days. All the woman I know who are married are married to younger men. You portray your feelings so sweetly that I was left feeling- "I know why he loves her". Would your younger self have been able to appreciate this relationship as you do now ? It's wonderful when a poem has a hidden dimension tucked into it. I'm sure it's un-intentional but it's there. the last line in the 2nd stanza- You might consider continuing the metaphor of seasons representing ages, and instead of the adj. 'earlier' try 'spring' or 'summer'etc... The first line of the last stanza- This is a tiny thing but I think saying "won't" instead of "can't" sounds more certain, and that shows the woman in the poem accepting herself and the fact that this man loves her as is. Also in this stanza you mix tenses slightly. The 3rd line would reflect better on the 1st with 'your love will soften'
Re: Rain by dancin_n_da_moonlite	25-Jan-06/7:21 PM
Looks are deceiving.
Re: Thinking by dancin_n_da_moonlite	25-Jan-06/7:22 PM
I not a fan of poems that reflect a thought directly. I wan't a story. Where's the story?
Re: The Heart of a Man by Queen of Tease	25-Jan-06/7:31 PM
Metaphors sweetie, metaphors. As sweet as... Thin like....etc. Also 'laid' rhymes enough with 'plain' that you don't need to use the word 'lain'. When i read that line I laughed, and that doesn't seem to be your intention. Also what does rhythm have to do with feeling emotions? If this poem is about something you have experienced then write about what happened to make you feel this way about him.
Re: Relief (Ventilation Shaft rewrite) by cyan9	25-Jan-06/7:34 PM
Uh... well there's certainly plenty of scenery. I've read this 3 times and i still don't know what it's talking about.
regarding some deleted poem...	25-Jan-06/7:35 PM
what does it do?
Re: In praise of racism by INTRANSIT	25-Jan-06/9:44 PM
What have you been smokin'?
Re: 52 card pickup (only a test) by crwncka1	25-Jan-06/9:56 PM
This is nutty. Nothing makes sense.
Re: The True Fate of Humpty Dumpty by Joe-joe	25-Jan-06/10:00 PM
The first parts well down, but then it kind of becomes nonsense. What happened to the sill in the first line?
Re: My Secret by Sway	25-Jan-06/10:11 PM
Get rid of the pronouns and the words ending in 'ing'. All at once a timid violet & an audacious sunflower. All at once a mixture of ideas & beliefs. ..... When did Psyche have to sort & sift seeds?
Re: Upon Reading "Siddartha" by frahj	25-Jan-06/10:19 PM
It's very difficult to take this seriously.
regarding some deleted poem...	25-Jan-06/10:31 PM
Very cool. Well written, but i can't figure out what it's about. You've had some kind of epiphany apparently(I'm assuming you're the protagonist in this poem)I can't figure out who your talking to. Who's door are going to lay the blame at?
regarding some deleted poem...	26-Jan-06/5:58 PM
Its glaringly obvious you have never read the bible. Which makes me think you read all this in some pamphlet or on another site, thought it was some great philosophical insight and posted it here. Read the bible. It's an interesting book. One of the main topics of biblical study is the contrast between the old covenant and the new one.
regarding some deleted poem...	26-Jan-06/6:17 PM
This looks like more evidence of your ignorance regarding things biblical.
regarding some deleted poem...	26-Jan-06/6:47 PM
Where did my friend go? Men are always running out on me.
Re: Death is a Three Step Process by dancin_n_da_moonlite	26-Jan-06/6:51 PM
I like the title.
Re: How small, this sleeping tiger by ecargo	28-Jan-06/1:45 PM
You've got some lovely images here, a very real environment. Somehow I have trouble imagining a cub frisking with hours, but i like batting at time. I can't understand why, but there it is. Since you change from the cub awake to asleep, maybe you should start a new stanza at 'With measured breath.' I don't understand 'tamed to hand.', or 'dogs like mastodons'(those would be some big-ass dogs). I admire the meter and the assonance of the last eight lines. They display your understanding of poetics without being over the top.