Re: A Loud Room by MacFrantic	28-Jan-06/2:13 PM
I enjoyed reading this poem. It's got s good strong meter and structure. '...in an overwhelming.'I don't think this works well here. How do you feel about connecting it with the sound and silence of the next line? dissipate in an overwhelming (somethingsomething) of sound & silence. No that won't work because then you pull the rhythm away from 'and I dare not speak'. Maybe start a new stanza after overwhelming? 'To disturb with both' is a bit strained. Can you turn the sentence around? 'and I dare not disturb them both by speaking." You need an adj for dots. '...near is dots' ends to abrubtly for me. "near is ALL dots" "near is ONLY dots" I also believe the rhythm might inprove if you placed and infront of '...dancing hues:'. You've gone this far without telling me it's a TV., so you probably shouldn't do that at all. 'does beg' sounds too antiquated for this poem. Just remove the 'does' and voila!
Re: Les Imagistes by Nicholas Jones	31-Jan-06/7:43 PM
I wish i could understand this philosophy. Are you saying that in their quest for purity( a poem without any unproductive lines), the imagists are taking the narrow view? If they would not be so precise and allow themselves to poetically wander to the point of actually opposing some statement within the poem, that the poem would be better for it? As for the this poem I think it's quite good. Though it weakens in the third and fourth stanzas. This whole thing about having an idea and creating the poem to fit the idea seems to be the opposite of what the imagists were attempting. I thought the imagists illustrated their experiences allowing meaning to emerge out of the images. Now I've confused myself. It's ironic that lines I love in this poem could be considered imagist. 'But still' seems inappropriate since in the first stanza you use '...noise of the urban morning...' The birds, footsteps and most especially the traffic are urban noises, so the but still looks like your going to reflect on the comparative peace and quiet. The duck image is brilliant. did you invent it?
regarding some deleted poem...	31-Jan-06/7:54 PM
There are lot's of good things about this poem. Rhythm, images, tone, stand out to me right now. Around the third stanza I have trouble following the action. I'm not sure if it's syntax or maybe because the images you're using get vaguer. My favorite stanzas are one and five. though i believe the first stanza would be better if you removed the 'to' at the end.
Re: Even the elephants by ecargo	1-Feb-06/5:33 PM
It's a bit strained. Though I do like the use of mostly one syllable words, it seems to stutter and I can't get a clear image. You've out-Plathed Plath.
Re: A Cleansing Of Creeds by Caducus	1-Feb-06/5:36 PM
This is damn good. The first two stanzas don't add anything to the statement made here
Re: Penny Loafer Blues by ALChemy	1-Feb-06/7:58 PM
Creative idea(very creative). I think you should trim it a little for greater impact. But don't fiddle with it too much, it might lose its charm.
Re: Valentine? by celticskatermatt1	1-Feb-06/8:06 PM
looks like it's written by a hop-hop Eskimo trying to crossover to boy-band inspired greeting cards.
regarding some deleted poem...	3-Feb-06/10:22 AM
It's perfect. The title, the words you chose, the last line. It's a beautiful metaphor for so many of lifes experiences. Watching my fifteen year old son comes to mind. Also the slavery to labor and money. And there's young love, first love; the older observer knowing she will never re-live that blind abandon and hopefulness ever again. The stone wall of artifice keeping us all prisoners. The title you chose, either wisely or by pure chance, adds all the richness of meaniing to these lines. Without it, the metaphors would have been much less accessible. As for the last line; it expresses the agelessness of hope, of desire. No matter how battered by time our bodies grow or how battered by fate, the heart can remain forever young, forever tender. Just to see some other being enjoying life and youth gives us the oppurtunity to relive that joy. To feel the thrill once again. I am so happy and grateful that I read this today. It has inspired me.
Re: Exodus of Babylon by SupremeDreamer	3-Feb-06/6:24 PM
Holy shit.
Re: Even the elephants by ecargo	3-Feb-06/6:43 PM
The 3rd stanza should be left alone, it works. 'Now the elephants know' clashes with 'they have learned the high places' you could put 'for' at the beginning of the second line or you could take that first line off the top and place it somewhere towards the bottom. Try reading it starting on the second line, it makes a much better intro. I don't think the sky could hide itself. Although it might work if it stood perfectly still in the corner with a lampshade on its head. If by 'hail' you mean bullets, I think you should search for a better symbol. 'Hard hail' sounds like hard hail, hail can kill afterall. The first line might fit nicely above the last two lines of your poem.
regarding some deleted poem...	7-Feb-06/7:15 PM
Very Raymond Chandler. 'The bartender,......, is talking up'... You really need those commas there. she licks her lips, explores the green oval with her tongue before slipping it into her mouth. the word 'doppler' conjures 'weather-guy' pretty well by it's self. I think it might be better to use a meteorologists actual name. After 'I already know...' at the end, the following line just kind of lies there. What did you win?
Re: Partying Blind by poetry/poem101	9-Feb-06/7:38 PM
The stories are interesting. I can't believe that any little league would allow such retarded names for teams. If you made these up, make up better ones. If you didn't make these up, than you should make up better ones. Right now this is just a little too cumbersome. I like the authenticity of the voice. It reads as if you are speaking directly to me and that's good. Maybe you can think about seperating these memories. Let each stand alone. Even if it's just with roman numerals or something. I don't really like the one about the optometrist visits. it makes you a less sympathetic character. The title's good. you shouldn't annotate at the end. It's better to finish with a compelling image or statement. For example; 'for the first time in a long time I saw my father.' Maybe you should be writing a screenplay. Actors love playing tormented characters. Blindness makes for good analogies. One question, how do you use a computer?
regarding some deleted poem...	9-Feb-06/7:51 PM
This is written a little too simplisticly. It's uninteresting. Do you really feed your children biscuits, toast, jam, cheese and crackers at tea-time?!
Re: The Acorn Daisies by MacFrantic	9-Feb-06/7:53 PM
The last two lines are excellent. I have to think about the rest. What's 'kindling homes'?
Re: writer's block by Zoetrope	10-Feb-06/11:52 AM
You're a hell of a writer. I'm currently suffering from a tremendous case of writer's block. And the interesting thing is I came on to this sight about 2 weeks ago to get some help. The last time I was really productive was around 3 years ago when I first sign on to this Poet's asylum. Very serendipitis. This is long but it still reads like poetry.
Re: Everything That You've Ever Wanted by drnick	10-Feb-06/12:11 PM
I read this yesterday and didn't know exactly what bothered me about it. I like this poem, and I love the title, but there are a few thiings you possibly could make better. For example; elope means to runaway, yes, but for the majority it means to runaway with & get married so it kinda confuses things at the start. baby's pillows? Are they softer than children or adult pillows? In the 7th line you move from the sea and moonlight to enourmous atoms. Maybe a break in stanza would give it a much needed segue.
Re: Valentine by zodiac	13-Feb-06/5:40 PM
At this point the parentheticals make for a better title. I like the idea of Frank's refusal being a kind of valentine to his killers, if that's what you're after. At this point the text doesn't have that implication. The imaging is right on; criminal, brutally seductive. I love the girl in front of her mirror. There are few things sexier then the simple act of a young women brushing out her hair. And if she's beautiful there's little she wouldn't do for a good mirror. the sawdust/chicken feed analogy is terrific. i can't say why but i rather 'my lapels' be 'the lapels'. why is 'behind' at the end of line 17 instead of the beginning of line 18? Also 'myself's a loss'. Why didn't you say 'I'm a loss'? '... just such uniforms...' killer assonance. 10 for that alone. but when the truth comes... vs. 'but when the truth comes out...' Why'd you choose the latter & not the former? 'And already wandering I' is a good example of a writer documenting his thoughts instead of translating them. It took three readings befor i understood the implication. Once I got it I really liked it. 'But I have killed myself, like all men do' is the message here, in my opinion, and it's just too hidden within the text. i think it would make a strong ending. It's the line that has the most echo.
Re: In response to by INTRANSIT	13-Feb-06/5:47 PM
Discribe complacent headlights vs. disgruntled, rude or inconsiderate headlights.
Re: Sonnet for Snow by ecargo	20-Feb-06/5:33 PM
Lovely. One small suggestion; change 'the eye turns..' to 'and the eye...' You have 'turns' in the first line and turns with truer is a bit stiff.
Re: REM Sleep by mystic enoch	21-Mar-06/7:39 PM
Tell me WHAT you dreamed, not how you felt about it. The poetry is in the details. Feelings alone are boring. If i see aperson crying I might feel sympathy for their sadness but I can't feel empathy or relate to their experience intil they tell me WHAT happened. For the last year or so the only things I can even journal about are dreams. I have no conscious creativity anymore. But my dreams are filled with myth and imagery. Like you my dreams have helped to heal me, but when I write a poem about it I tell what happened in the dream (See Signal of Goodbye http://poemranker.com/poem-details.jsp?id=73336 )and I let the reader deduce what the dream's message means.