regarding some deleted poem...	7-Jul-04/12:36 PM
How does the first stanza tie into this scene?
Re: Differences by gavinduff	7-Jul-04/12:38 PM
Remove the last sentence. You don't have to give the punchline away. 'Life sustain' is a silly pun, it doesn't work.
regarding some deleted poem...	13-Jul-04/1:44 PM
The metaphor goes on for too long. Try editing out the preposition after 'hanging'. Also the one after subject. I don't think the parathetical at the end of the poem adds anything. I like the poem.
Re: Wind by Dovina	13-Jul-04/1:49 PM
Do you need the 'as' in the last line? When I read this my mind automatically left it out. The second sentence might work better as the first. The lonesome wind driven against its will; ...
regarding some deleted poem...	13-Jul-04/1:51 PM
I like the last two stanzas. 'Extra bloody' bothers me, how can something be extra bloody?
regarding some deleted poem...	13-Jul-04/2:04 PM
I like the way your poems latelyare like little glimpses of your day. This one builds nicely and I like the fact that your mother makes an appearance while your breaking some girls heart. 'Over which' is awful. You don't need 'where' at the beginning of the second stanza. The third stanza's all messed up. Do you mean bravey is sometimes indifference? Because, in my oppinion, the cowardly thing to do would be to take her hand.
regarding some deleted poem...	13-Jul-04/4:57 PM
In this poem Stephen Robins is considering the power of a single word to paint a picture of a thousand images. He has been careful to choose a word which has a wide range of connotations. Is this a romantic poem? A poem of violence? A feminist statement on the patriarchy's disregard for mutual satisfaction of the sexes? Yes, all this and more. Consider the use of the the puncuation; A full stop auspiciously placed at the beginning of this verselet, clearly the author is saying, "I begin with an ending, as all things begin, it is inescapable". The only other punctuation is again a period repeated at the bottom of the poem. This statement reflects back to the same philosophy, the end of an era, followed by a new begining. What that beginng might be, is left the interpretive powers of the psyche of the observer. The body of the poem is a single one syllable word written entirely in capitals. This word is placed in the geometric center of the page, which symbolizes the vast wasteland of existence, the only worthwhile experience being one of a sexual dimension. Is this the act of a lover, a violator or both? Is this the act of conception which brought the poet and all other creatures into this realm, or is it simply a base expression of egoccentric pubescent obsession? The author leaves the answers to these questions, and an infinity of others, up to the prerogative of the reader. He boldly challenges the elitist society of wealth and priviledge, knowing full well that the uneducated will define this poem as one more stupid piece of cultural folly, much to the woe of the society itself, for it makes plain that the majority of the world's citizens are incapable of appreciating the highest achievements of humanity. Therefore we have failed in giving birth to the utopia which was our inheritance. In brief this poem makes the elegantly simple statement, 'The world of the Gods and our forefathers has ended. We are a bunch of philistines compulsively driven by the pursuit of an orgasm. One day, no one can say when, our time here will be finished.' A postmodern tour de force, a brilliant sudden blow to the ideals of art and capitalism.
Re: The Spaz by ?-Dave_Mysterious-?	13-Jul-04/5:07 PM
This is clearly not a sonnet, shame on you. Stick to the rules buddy.
Re: Desperation by gavinduff	13-Jul-04/5:11 PM
I feel tingly all over!
Re: Zin/Enough/Things/Squeeze/Flow by gregsamsa222	13-Jul-04/5:21 PM
I'm willing to bet, no matter what other poems I ever read, this will always be the best one. All that I love about literature is contained within this poem.
Re: Flying things by INTRANSIT	22-Jul-04/12:16 PM
Fine poem. I would have to say your writing is possibly the most improved on this site. If there was a prize for that, I would definitely nominate you. That said; You change tense in the second stanza- 'I could bleed...' 'as I fought...' It's either 'I bled...' or 'as I fight...'. I can't understand how your using 'weaponry' are you saying the pen's weaponry(where weaponry is used as an adj.) or are you saying the pen IS weaponry(where weaponry is used as a noun)? I don't think that word is working for you. 'Because I know it's (violence, murder, tendency, thirst etc...)' Shouldn't it be 'MY reluctance' in the first stanza? Otherwise I think it's perfect. A nice economy of words.
Re: The recovery room by katinchina	3-Aug-04/5:11 PM
Great title, rough-sketch poetics. The 12th & 13th lines are tops without the 'Still'up front. "C.... to s...., c... for s...". Though the title csught my eye, it does not jive with the poem. Where's the recovery? Looks like death to me.
regarding some deleted poem...	3-Aug-04/5:17 PM
Once again, the last stanza kills this. Forget 'mental', just 'light years' suffices. Have you tried it without all the was', perhaps it works better in just the first stanza?
regarding some deleted poem...	5-Aug-04/11:47 AM
Soooo much better! I particulary like the paradox between scholarly sophistication and artless porn. You've also got that whole 'Mucahley Culkin goes wrong' thing at the end. I like this poem's tragic humor.
Re: Counting seconds for blowing this world up by Prince of Void	5-Aug-04/11:50 AM
Muddled. where's the story, bud?
regarding some deleted poem...	5-Aug-04/12:07 PM
Nice second stanza. How's about She carries on perfect girl shoulders, the seasons. Not our notable four, but just hers- from some other world. I'm only trying to point out the difference in style between the first and last stanzas. you should consider playing around with the first stanza, maybe go back in your mind to the image that inspired this and sketch it in a little more. Also the 'difference' line is superfluous. It doesn't fit in with either 'I don't know these names' or with the adjectives that follow. See if you like the stanza better with that line omitted.
Re: The Serpent People by horus8	5-Aug-04/12:09 PM
Powerful.
regarding some deleted poem...	5-Aug-04/12:11 PM
If you'd cut this way down to the first stanza alone it would deserve a ten.
regarding some deleted poem...	5-Aug-04/12:15 PM
Inventive.
Re: Mors Omnia Solvit by shit	5-Aug-04/12:17 PM
Boooring! Where's the story?