Re: Captain Cannibal by Lenore	26-Jan-04/1:10 PM
"stagnant pools of seamen"? The only thing missing from this poem is the well thought out use of the word 'gay'. What's this poem about? I liked the 5th stanza. Much wittier than the rest of this ballad. But seriously, what is this poem about? What insight are you trying to convey to your audience?
regarding some deleted poem...	26-Jan-04/1:21 PM
'Out having fun'? 'You people'? Good gracious.If that isn't immature enough you also have 11 anonymous 10's scored. 0, now go to your room, your grounded.
Re: You've Given Me by broken_wing11	27-Jan-04/1:57 PM
Without the benefit of music this comes off terribly simplistic. Rework the last two stanzas. 'Everything I'm dreaming of' is too much something that's pulled out when one is at a loss for anything better. 'Amazement + glee' glee? There are better words to use that rhyme with 'me'. Unfortunately many of your stanzas have been seen and heard before. With the exceptions of S2 + S3 + S4 which I like quite a bit. I think it's important for people to express this kind of acknowledgement. Love is the most total act of a soul, reflects the nature of the soul. So this person of yours, this Beloved, deserves praise and for me, this kind of literature provides a lesson in loving. Best of luck. Do try to spread your wings a bit.
Re: The woods house by zodiac	27-Jan-04/2:21 PM
yes i read this and gave it a ten. I don't think of this as choppy at all. It's not so much an actual rythm I speak of , but more the why the words go together. Which in this poem is flawless. take the last stanza: You have summer and fall which naturally flow together and all at the beginning of the line which ties into fall(all/fall). They wandered in the circling hills(wander/circling). the strange freedom of the forsaken. You see the words go well together- wandering circling strange freedom- freddom forsaken strange. it's hard to point out, but the words flow into each other and as the eye moves along the words echo back to the previous words. At the end you say 'I love her' twice, then in the last line you you say he cannot even remember 'her name'. It makes a difference, like a prayer or an incantation, it's not just the meaning of the words that matter but the sound of the voice in speaking them, the lull or crash of the vowels and the consonants. Like certain chords evoke certain feelings. It's so hard to express. It can't be forced. It only works when inspiration takes hold. There are tools, meter, rhyme, assonance, etc., but in the end it's inspiration that allows the artist to create. There's a word that's on the tip of my tongue, you know when actors get on stage and make it up aas they go along. Starts witht the letter 'I', I can't remember. Sometimes my poemes come, and then I have to go back and replace words or phrases with the appropriate ones. For example once I wrote 'He grew annoyingly afraid' but it was really suppose to be 'unknowingly afraid'. I think MEXICO has some great emotion in it, but it's not spellbinding like this one.
Re: Virginia Beach in Spring by andrewjthomas	27-Jan-04/2:35 PM
How does he feel? it's no clear sothe questionat the end is confusing. I like it, the question, but i can't contemplate it, because it's unclear how 'he' feels. I like this poem over-all. I think you should anthropomorphise the seaweed and say ' the absent-minded seaweed clings...' you do it with the tugboats, and it's always charming in a poem. I think poetry owes so much to mythology and the ability to bestow inanimate objects or creatures with human attributes. It makes the world more our own.
Re: Jennifer Entire by Goad	28-Jan-04/11:27 AM
Well let's see... I am without question an e.e. cummings holdout. I found him when I was altogether weensy, and still learning English. He was key for opening the complicated lock of language. I think I learned more about English syntax from him then I ever did from all the nice ladies deconstructing sentences on the chalkboard(Just to think of those long drawnout afternoons in class makes me want to lay my head down on the desktop and drool), so I have to disagree with the notion that such experimentation is a drawback. Up intil the first 'entire' I was throughly pleased. Especially the way 'oh California' sets the beginning lines as overture to what follows. From first 'entire' to second 'entire' I can't make out what you mean. It's frustrating because then it picks up again and I can follow the thread. Could you change the 'entire-ly' to 'entire'? Let's say: 'explained dark dark hair and eyes an entire one apart yet some finger reaches' In my humble opinion this poem might benefit from more nonsense, as it were, largest wave breaking in tantalizing sun tantalizing curl of bluegreen glass & foam, the ocean has pounded shores trillion times entire though they too have never become 1. Well that was fun, Hope you don't mind. Please keep exploring. It's not often enough I get served an exotic dish.
Re: Kernel of truth by annabellee	28-Jan-04/11:43 AM
More focus please. i lose my way from 'burning embers...' to 'Should you bind her...' can you stay with one metaphor, or at least build a segue? You also say 'ruled by none...to grasp herself from the observer' that makes no sense. also 'She knew what to decline' seems inappropriate for someone who's being threatened by imprisonment. It's all over the place. Focus.
regarding some deleted poem...	28-Jan-04/10:31 PM
I too have a murder. http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.jsp?id=71752 much to her credit richa suggested a 'storytelling of crows' which i am adopting forthwith. the title doesn't add even one iota. Hows about "Donner Party of None" (just kiddin') Who's tears? The crows' tears? They are the only inhabitants of your poem. you need more here.
Re: Tomorrow by sykes	28-Jan-04/10:45 PM
I will ransom them from the power of the grave; I will redeem them from death. Where, O Death, are your plagues? Where O grave is your destruction? Hosea 13:14 your intentions are the highest, but your poetry unfortunately is lacking. More righteousness, less prettiness. Go for the jugular. That's what Jesus did.
Re: The Hermit by sykes	28-Jan-04/10:48 PM
You really need to catch up on your reading. This is old hat.
Re: Cold Rain Road by middenHeap	28-Jan-04/11:03 PM
Mighty damn good.
Re: Take Four by NanceXToo	2-Feb-04/11:06 AM
Fantastic potential. How many times have you re-written this? It deserves some strong attention. Your beginning really needs to be done over. Sometimes you can get to the point more precisely if you try for less words to make the point. Of course that's my ultimate arguement, I'm all for concise language. For example "When you re-crafted me for the third time" "Re-crafting me for the third time". It's the tininest difference but you go through this poem and tighten it up I think you'll be pleased. I like your poem, and your use of like words to accent the huge differences between you. Keep practicing.
Re: Tales From The Outhouse by -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.	2-Feb-04/11:11 AM
You are so fucking brilliant '...Laquered land...' '...Lowly throne...' '...Entwined in shame...' I wish I had your talent for words. Who the hell are you? it's been a pleasure, sincerely, your the tops.
Re: Lorca: Canción del Jinete by Sasha	26-May-04/9:39 AM
This is a damn good translation. One of the best I've ever seen, and I've seen tons. Now whether or not you should call it "both of ours" is beyond my rights to decide. My guts tell me your trampling on the genius of another, but on the other hand you've done an excellent, and I do mean excellent, job of maintaining the tone of the original, and still you have created verse that stands on it's own "English" merits. So i can see why you feel some sense of ownership. It's a tough call. I give you a ten because it works beautifully as a translation, and you did mark it as "Other" when catagorizing it. Perhaps Mr. Kaolinfire can add it as a catagory.
regarding some deleted poem...	26-May-04/9:51 AM
This is not poetry. This is a draft which could become anything; A monologue, An essay, a suicide note, a skit on SNL, or perhaps even, yes, a po-em. At it stands it is merely a verbal blood-letting. A purging of pain, la-de-da.
Re: Sir Magnedrol vs. The Dragon (part 1) by Phalkon	26-May-04/4:36 PM
Boring.
regarding some deleted poem...	26-May-04/4:42 PM
Jesus Christ! Decompress, you'll pop an artery.
Re: Child of Troy by Caducus	27-May-04/11:57 AM
It's hard to know who you're talking about at times. The child or the mother? "Her littler girl smiled at me With HER(whose, the little girls or the mother's?)green nose..." You were part of who's 'brief history'? The prepositionals at the end are terribly awkward, and what exactly is 'a rebirth of destiny'
Re: Fighting before bed by zodiac	27-May-04/12:05 PM
Should it be '...smooth her...'(S5L3)? The more I read this the better it becomes. Especially S'3 & 4. Also "let her be a childlike", seems incorrect.
Re: argentina by ThePariahDog	27-May-04/5:57 PM
Like the country you envoke here, your poem needs work, but it's good. Can't get into it now, I'm at work.