Help | About | Suggestions | Alms | Chat [0] | Users [0] | Log In | Join
 Search:
Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments   

Take Four (Free verse) by NanceXToo
Improvements can always be improved. So you proved when you re-crafted me for the third time, with a touch so subtle, even the naked I failed to notice, humbled by shadow and light, unable to see the forest for the treason. And your reasons were your own. But the outcome is mine to live with. And I'm alive then I'm dead then I'm living and you're giving me cause to breathe and hitch and breathe and pause and I never knew I was so beautiful. Or so ugly. I know my values, but not my value, and I've been miss-taken, but I make no mistake. I'm worth only what I'm worth to you. Spread wide open, my limbs shake and my muscles ache and I'm possessed by an urge to cry and cry out and cry some more. If you give me time, I'll give it back, unwrapped and used but useable. I need routine care and air and I need to air these feelings I'm feeling you're feeling...feel me...oh. There. Yes. There. There now, it's a break in the downward spiral, a welcome rest. It'll all work out in the end, if only. If only I could tell it from the beginning, if only I knew where to begin, if only you'd begin again. And you would, because you're a perfectionist, whereas I know perfectly well if I could start over, I'd never begin. But let me start over. I am new. Improved. Version four point...oh! There. Yes. There.

Up the ladder: Losing Anchor
Down the ladder: Inbetween Lovers/Blueprint

You must be logged in to leave comments. Vote:

Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
 GraphVotes
10  .. 21
.. 40
.. 00
.. 10
.. 00
.. 10
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00

Arithmetic Mean: 8.666667
Weighted score: 6.8333335
Overall Rank: 337
Posted: January 30, 2004 4:23 PM PST; Last modified: January 30, 2004 4:23 PM PST
View voting details
The following users have marked this poem on their favorites list:

nentwined

Comments:
[10] Sam @ 203.160.161.10 | 30-Jan-04/6:05 PM | Reply
wow this is great...i could almost feel your poem breath into me...a new beginning with a vengeance or maybe a better self worth.
[7] god'swife @ 67.73.29.154 | 2-Feb-04/11:06 AM | Reply
Fantastic potential. How many times have you re-written this? It deserves some strong attention. Your beginning really needs to be done over. Sometimes you can get to the point more precisely if you try for less words to make the point. Of course that's my ultimate arguement, I'm all for concise language. For example

"When you re-crafted me for the third time"
"Re-crafting me for the third time".

It's the tininest difference but you go through this poem and tighten it up I think you'll be pleased. I like your poem, and your use of like words to accent the huge differences between you. Keep practicing.
[10] nentwined @ 66.92.28.14 | 19-Apr-04/4:05 PM | Reply
I really enjoy the twisting of the words that you do, here.
[9] <~> @ 64.252.164.251 | 19-Apr-04/4:11 PM | Reply
nice acrobatics, sound-wise.
[9] zodiac @ 152.18.33.220 > <~> | 19-Apr-04/5:54 PM | Reply
Are you coming back, z? Your coyote villanelle is one of the best posts on the site.
[9] LilMsLadyPoet @ 152.163.100.135 | 11-Jul-05/8:00 AM | Reply
LOL....funny...tragic...glaringly naked...and refreshingly honest, albiet cynical...and a little scary. Very good! Gave it a 9...are you sure You are not the perfectionist? LOL!
315 view(s)




Track and Plan your submissions ; Read some Comics ; Get Paid for your Poetry
PoemRanker Copyright © 2001 - 2024 - kaolin fire - All Rights Reserved
All poems Copyright © their respective authors
An internet tradition since June 9, 2001