poemranker ::Fighting before bed by zodiac

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Free verse № 101249

Fighting before bed

Member since 2004 · Posted 10 May 2004 · Edited 10 May 2004 · 15 comments

She said she'd surely sleep upset, but I recalled she had that charming nature which forgets with ease a thoughtless epithet; so I smirked a bit, I wagered she would shortly sleep and not regret crass nomenclature, warm in our eiderdown plicature. And she (all laugh and sidelong threat,) replied a thousand years would not assuage her ire – and yet she seemed unsure and sleep-beset, and lay against the wall, a shoulder curved. I watched; and, mindful of the bet, she smoldered, pressed between the bed and molding, until a line of weary fret passed across her face – let sleep enfold her, smoothed her, let her be a childlike still coquette who smiled then in her sleep, and did forget - and so I woke her up and told her.

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mean 6.89 weighted 6.89 rank 254 views 558 View voting details →

28 votes so far. Yours would make 29.28 votes so far

15 comments

[10] INTRANSIT 10-May-04/6:39 AM Reply
It's hard for me to believe that anyone could find fault in this. Yet someone with more knowledge than I, might.
[9] Shuushin 10-May-04/7:09 AM Reply
Good one!
[10] Sasha 10-May-04/12:27 PM Reply
A form all your own, elements of the interlocking Rubyat, the Terza Rima and so much else.

I have one solitary gripe: The penultimate line.

The rhyme (...and did forget...) seems forced here. "And forgot" seems more natural although I understand sacrificing sense to sound. An awkward construction with an auxillary verb instead of a smoothe preterite seems out of place here.

However that sole fault is not reason enough not to give you a -10-
[n/a] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. 19-May-04/3:22 AM Reply
A
[n/a] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. 19-May-04/3:23 AM Reply
E
[n/a] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. 19-May-04/3:23 AM Reply
P
[10] Stephen Robins 19-May-04/5:02 AM Reply
Mr T
[8] gilded in gold 20-May-04/11:02 AM Reply
the last 6 lines are good.
you need to maybe not use huge words together..
"crass nomenclature,
warm in our eiderdown plicature."
it really, really cuts up the flow. so there!
[7] god'swife 27-May-04/12:05 PM Reply
Should it be '...smooth her...'(S5L3)? The more I read this the better it becomes. Especially S'3 & 4. Also "let her be a childlike", seems incorrect.
[7] god'swife › god'swife 27-May-04/1:08 PM Reply
Is 'still' noun or an adverb in that sentence?
[n/a] zodiac › god'swife 27-May-04/9:45 PM Reply
Adjective. As in "the still waters," or something such. This is, to my recollection, the third time I've been called on using still as an adjective. Doesn't everybody do that?
[n/a] Doug 14-Jun-04/12:50 PM Reply
crass nomenclature,wow you are such a wordy gimp.
[n/a] Jeremi B. Handrinos › Doug 4-Oct-04/6:58 PM Reply
You are the matted milk in burt's stache.
[n/a] Jeremi B. Handrinos 4-Oct-04/7:00 PM Reply
Lovely alliteration usage.
[10] dancin_n_da_moonlite 29-Dec-04/10:05 PM Reply
beautifully composed