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Cold Rain Road (Free verse) by middenHeap
That black bird Hunched in the rain on a pole, Knows my soul for its similarity And cries out once, without blinking. But I am too distant And he turns his head, While the steel cubes of men hiss mindlessly by me. They are blank, cars, and have no soul And I cannot Tell whether one might skid suddenly And destroy me. My fragile egg body Walks gingerly in the wet And I feel the same shame that draped me When, seven, I pissed myself in the mall.

Up the ladder: A Man Who Cares

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Arithmetic Mean: 5.428571
Weighted score: 5.1152606
Overall Rank: 6005
Posted: January 28, 2004 2:05 PM PST; Last modified: January 28, 2004 2:54 PM PST
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Comments:
[7] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. @ 131.111.212.215 | 28-Jan-04/2:12 PM | Reply
An olive spitting out its pimiento; an elderly gentleman engaging in "Single-Handed Sailing". Which is the lewder?
[n/a] middenHeap @ 80.132.178.161 > -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. | 28-Jan-04/2:25 PM | Reply
Am I being characterized as an elderly gentleman? Have all my affectations of pomposity paid off? In any case, I was quite young and ignorant when I wrote this one, but it is a bit of a wank. I say soul twice!
[8] zodiac @ 152.30.44.144 | 28-Jan-04/2:29 PM | Reply
No comma after skid. The 'man' reference is weird. It either sticks out too much or not enough. You are no old gentleman; you are as vernal as the Spring. On another string I hypothesize you as a young lady.
[7] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. @ 131.111.212.215 > zodiac | 28-Jan-04/2:35 PM | Reply
'As vernal as the Spring' is undoubtedly the stupidest remark I have read on Poemeranker to-day. -10-
[n/a] middenHeap @ 80.132.178.161 > -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. | 28-Jan-04/3:00 PM | Reply
in and of itself, or in reference to me? come on, I'm vernal. You know I'm vernal, Dark Angel. A little bit vernal? Just a little?
[8] zodiac @ 152.30.60.178 > middenHeap | 28-Jan-04/3:01 PM | Reply
In and of itself. Vernal is Spring.
[n/a] middenHeap @ 80.132.178.161 > zodiac | 28-Jan-04/2:55 PM | Reply
Good call, is it less intrusive like this?
[8] zodiac @ 152.30.60.178 > middenHeap | 28-Jan-04/3:03 PM | Reply
Yes.
[n/a] middenHeap @ 80.132.178.161 > zodiac | 28-Jan-04/2:58 PM | Reply
"On another string I hypothesize you as a young lady." where's this? Come now, would a young lady have read the coffee pome and immediately thought mmHMM, I want the writer of this to come by my house RIGHT NOW?
[8] zodiac @ 152.30.60.178 > middenHeap | 28-Jan-04/3:02 PM | Reply
I believe all ladies think thusly, my expectations of women being completely corrupted by internet porn.
[7] Lenore @ 64.252.107.161 | 28-Jan-04/4:24 PM | Reply
The last line is as useless as tits on a nun. Otherwise I liked it. 7
[10] god'swife @ 67.73.32.203 | 28-Jan-04/11:03 PM | Reply
Mighty damn good.
[7] Fear of Garbage @ 156.63.85.15 | 29-Jan-04/7:36 AM | Reply
alright. i like: hunched black bird,the pole, fragile egg body, gingerly, the jarring last line.
i dislike: beginning a line with the word "but," steel cubes (a poor metaphor) and i think thats about it.
interesting but ultimately could be much better if you just wrote it all together like a flow and din't worry about. i might be wrong but this sounds like it was written at different times...there are these intervals..
[n/a] lastobelus @ 80.132.178.161 > Fear of Garbage | 29-Jan-04/10:46 AM | Reply
You're right, the "but" is entirely unnecessary.

I think your right about steel cubes too, but I haven't anything better to mind. I'll have to think about it.

It was written at different times, almost everything I write is, sometimes with years in between additions.

I also think I want to ditch soul in the third line, and just say "Knows me for my similarity." Whaddya think?
[n/a] middenHeap @ 80.132.178.112 > Fear of Garbage | 1-Feb-04/2:07 PM | Reply
When will you post again? Your poems have synaesthesized in my mind into a cool dark taste, which I thirst for.
[6] fevriere @ 213.232.79.42 | 1-Mar-04/3:28 AM | Reply
Liked the first half but "steel cubes" lost my interest. And the ending - must every poemranker poet discuss piss, shit or paedophilia in every goddamn poem? I can't take this vulgarity much longer. *le "tired artist" sigh*
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