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Cold Rain Road (Free verse) by middenHeap That black bird
Hunched in the rain on a pole,
Knows my soul for its similarity
And cries out once, without blinking.
But I am too distant
And he turns his head,
While the steel cubes of men hiss mindlessly by me.
They are blank, cars, and have no soul
And I cannot
Tell whether one might skid suddenly
And destroy me.
My fragile egg body
Walks gingerly in the wet
And I feel the same shame that draped me
When, seven, I pissed myself in the mall.
Up the ladder:
my stuff is like stuff
Down the ladder:
Disable
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.428571
Posted: January 28, 2004 2:05 PM PST; Last modified: January 28, 2004 2:54 PM PSTWeighted score: 5.1152606 Overall Rank: 6000 Comments:
[7]
-=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. @ 131.111.212.215
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28-Jan-04/2:12 PM
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Reply
An olive spitting out its pimiento; an elderly gentleman engaging in "Single-Handed Sailing". Which is the lewder?
[n/a]
middenHeap @ 80.132.178.161
> -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.
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28-Jan-04/2:25 PM
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Reply
Am I being characterized as an elderly gentleman? Have all my affectations of pomposity paid off? In any case, I was quite young and ignorant when I wrote this one, but it is a bit of a wank. I say soul twice!
No comma after skid. The 'man' reference is weird. It either sticks out too much or not enough. You are no old gentleman; you are as vernal as the Spring. On another string I hypothesize you as a young lady.
'As vernal as the Spring' is undoubtedly the stupidest remark I have read on Poemeranker to-day. -10-
in and of itself, or in reference to me? come on, I'm vernal. You know I'm vernal, Dark Angel. A little bit vernal? Just a little?
In and of itself. Vernal is Spring.
Good call, is it less intrusive like this?
Yes.
"On another string I hypothesize you as a young lady." where's this? Come now, would a young lady have read the coffee pome and immediately thought mmHMM, I want the writer of this to come by my house RIGHT NOW?
I believe all ladies think thusly, my expectations of women being completely corrupted by internet porn.
The last line is as useless as tits on a nun. Otherwise I liked it. 7
Mighty damn good.
alright. i like: hunched black bird,the pole, fragile egg body, gingerly, the jarring last line.
i dislike: beginning a line with the word "but," steel cubes (a poor metaphor) and i think thats about it. interesting but ultimately could be much better if you just wrote it all together like a flow and din't worry about. i might be wrong but this sounds like it was written at different times...there are these intervals..
You're right, the "but" is entirely unnecessary.
I think your right about steel cubes too, but I haven't anything better to mind. I'll have to think about it. It was written at different times, almost everything I write is, sometimes with years in between additions. I also think I want to ditch soul in the third line, and just say "Knows me for my similarity." Whaddya think?
When will you post again? Your poems have synaesthesized in my mind into a cool dark taste, which I thirst for.
Liked the first half but "steel cubes" lost my interest. And the ending - must every poemranker poet discuss piss, shit or paedophilia in every goddamn poem? I can't take this vulgarity much longer. *le "tired artist" sigh*
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