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Jennifer Entire

Member since 2004 · Posted 18 Jan 2004 · 6 comments

The woman has in eyes lost an entire history in that dark behind waves in our endless sun (Oh California) we have retreated under trees under cliffs under fronds scattering light that woman in vast dark eyes entire her skirted knees undusted but kissed lips always away looking oblique and strong with sideways fast looks that fill me in entire history is unneeded details that history of a one apart watching that one part missing that makes a one entire what makes a one attached she is close on the damp grass seated in low tones speaking her fingered palms spread open in shade explained dark dark hair and eyes a one entire- ly apart yet some finger reaches through the space between eyes and I know you I know you I know you... There is the largest wave breaking in the sun such a tantalizing curl of blue-green glass and foam the ocean has pounded into the shore a trillion times entire though they two have never become one.

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6 comments

[5] zodiac 18-Jan-04/6:03 PM Reply

I like this better than the other one, the winter one. Actually, I like it quite a bit. The "her skirted knees" line is especially good. Also "history is unneeded details that history of / a one apart watching that one part / missing" is clever and not too poetish. And "I know you, etc." for the end. In fact, I don't think the last stanza (after the break) is necessary. It's stronger ending at the ellipses without the ocean image - very capital-R Romantic and anticlimactic. Also, punctuation: continuously abnormal or missing punctuation is nothing new or useful or particularly well-liked in poetry. Look at your favorite writers (unless you're some e.e.cummings holdout or something) and you'll see they all use more-or-less normal sentence punctuation. So you're bold and different. I can promise you: no one's going to appreciate it - sadly. They'll hold it against you. A lot like this. It'll hurt you (like this) and make you feel that they've missed the bigger picture (like this.) Is that what you want? You have a good sound a lot of the time - mostly when you're not slipping into fake Keats-n-Shelley diction and imagery, like the 'bowers' in the other poem. I'd like to see you play around with your voice some. Maybe write fewer big-P 'Poems' and more - I don't know, 'stuff.' Remember Wordsworth: 'incidents and situations from common life... in a selection of language REALLY used by men...' I don't think he always succeeded, but it's what I still aim for every time. Good luck - I mean it, from a former fellow-capital-R Romantic.

[n/a] Goad › zodiac 19-Jan-04/6:11 AM Reply

Thanks for the comments!

This was an experiment, trying to capture the way the real Jennifer actually talked -- flitting from idea to idea, sometimes with the connections missing. It is composed of fragments related by shared nouns & verbs. You can place punctuation and conjunctive phrases in many alternate places, and get different sentences. For example in line 12 the word details is noun or verb depending which phrase you're putting it in. I often do this once as the key line of a poem but here I'm doing it once or more on almost every line. But you're right, no one will ever give a fuck about this silly theory. Should see the response on Eratosphere, lol, they practically lynched me.

[8] god'swife 28-Jan-04/11:27 AM Reply

Well let's see... I am without question an e.e. cummings holdout. I found him when I was altogether weensy, and still learning English. He was key for opening the complicated lock of language. I think I learned more about English syntax from him then I ever did from all the nice ladies deconstructing sentences on the chalkboard(Just to think of those long drawnout afternoons in class makes me want to lay my head down on the desktop and drool), so I have to disagree with the notion that such experimentation is a drawback.

Up intil the first 'entire' I was throughly pleased. Especially the way 'oh California' sets the beginning lines as overture to what follows.

From first 'entire' to second 'entire' I can't make out what you mean. It's frustrating because then it picks up again and I can follow the thread.

Could you change the 'entire-ly' to 'entire'? Let's say:

'explained dark dark hair and eyes an entire one
apart yet some finger reaches'

In my humble opinion this poem might benefit from more nonsense, as it were,

largest wave breaking
in tantalizing sun
tantalizing curl of bluegreen
glass & foam, the ocean has
pounded shores trillion times entire

though they too have never become 1.

Well that was fun, Hope you don't mind. Please keep exploring. It's not often enough I get served an exotic dish.

[n/a] middenHeap › god'swife 28-Jan-04/1:53 PM Reply

I don't mind at all. If there ever was anything I held sacrosanct (unlikely) I simply wouldn't post it here.

now if YOU don't mind...
the part you say you can't make out, do you mean L.8-10? If so that's quite interesting, because this whole part was edited & expanded after the crucifiction on Eratosphere, in an attempt to provide some setting. It didn't appease them. : (

originally it was:

The woman has in eyes lost
an entire history in that dark
behind the waves in our endless sun
(Oh California) under trees we have retreated
that woman in vast dark eyes entire
always away looking oblique and strong
with sideways fast looks that fill me in
entire
...

do you think I should try and rework that part to have as much ambiguity as the middle, rather than less as I was trying?

the middle is massive ambiguity. I'm kinda proud of it, really, as an experiment -- it's not particularly easy to do. You can group the words in so many ways to make valid phrases.

I'm thinking about ditching the entire-ly. You're probably right. It's gimmicky and breaks the flow.

But anyway, you are the only person who has ever expressed any appreciation for this one. And I busked it, so it's been seen by hundreds of people. I don't remember ever selling a single one, though I stubbornly gave it a spot on my display for several weeks. I'm fond of it because I like remembering the girl...

[n/a] middenHeap › middenHeap 28-Jan-04/1:55 PM Reply

actually, on refresh I realize zodiac is expressing ambivalent appreciation. Sorry, zodiac. Ok the two of you then. Where were you that time I needed just 5 bucks more for a train to the next city?

[5] zodiac › middenHeap 28-Jan-04/2:33 PM Reply

I'm not ambivalent. Yes - well, halfway ambivalent.