Poemranker [Replying] Sat Nov 23 05:12:28 PST 2024

Replying to a comment on:

Jennifer Entire (Free verse) by Goad

The woman has in eyes lost an entire history in that dark behind waves in our endless sun (Oh California) we have retreated under trees under cliffs under fronds scattering light that woman in vast dark eyes entire her skirted knees undusted but kissed lips always away looking oblique and strong with sideways fast looks that fill me in entire history is unneeded details that history of a one apart watching that one part missing that makes a one entire what makes a one attached she is close on the damp grass seated in low tones speaking her fingered palms spread open in shade explained dark dark hair and eyes a one entire- ly apart yet some finger reaches through the space between eyes and I know you I know you I know you... There is the largest wave breaking in the sun such a tantalizing curl of blue-green glass and foam the ocean has pounded into the shore a trillion times entire though they two have never become one.

zodiac

18-Jan-04/6:03 PM

I like this better than the other one, the winter one. Actually, I like it quite a bit. The "her skirted knees" line is especially good. Also "history is unneeded details that history of / a one apart watching that one part / missing" is clever and not too poetish. And "I know you, etc." for the end. In fact, I don't think the last stanza (after the break) is necessary. It's stronger ending at the ellipses without the ocean image - very capital-R Romantic and anticlimactic. Also, punctuation: continuously abnormal or missing punctuation is nothing new or useful or particularly well-liked in poetry. Look at your favorite writers (unless you're some e.e.cummings holdout or something) and you'll see they all use more-or-less normal sentence punctuation. So you're bold and different. I can promise you: no one's going to appreciate it - sadly. They'll hold it against you. A lot like this. It'll hurt you (like this) and make you feel that they've missed the bigger picture (like this.) Is that what you want? You have a good sound a lot of the time - mostly when you're not slipping into fake Keats-n-Shelley diction and imagery, like the 'bowers' in the other poem. I'd like to see you play around with your voice some. Maybe write fewer big-P 'Poems' and more - I don't know, 'stuff.' Remember Wordsworth: 'incidents and situations from common life... in a selection of language REALLY used by men...' I don't think he always succeeded, but it's what I still aim for every time. Good luck - I mean it, from a former fellow-capital-R Romantic.

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