Re: This Stinks by smarmyfaurt	16-Nov-03/7:08 AM
tickles? -4-
Re: My daddy taught me about being a good sport by horus8	16-Nov-03/7:12 AM
hey - that's actually a good sentiment, and well said. -8-
Re: Zinnias are a funny flower by Bachus	16-Nov-03/7:15 AM
I think with some line breaks, and a little more fleshing out of this balcony character this could be more interesting. A peppering of well put sentiments would be well served by some structure. -8- ? wish there was a 7.5
Re: WASTED by titan69	16-Nov-03/7:18 AM
kindof a enviro-political pimple. Reach a bit for those expressions, seek specificity like the good ones in that third line ("wind" could be better served though). -7- as an aside - most people worry more about the second and third world folks than we who are hindered by bureacracy.
Re: I AM... by CHUNMOON	16-Nov-03/7:24 AM
STOP THE SHOUTING. horrey cow. The last three lines gel very nicely, but I can't help thinking there's a more forceful way to make this case. Most of the power is lost in heat (as is often the case). It almost pushes through though... -7-
Re: Koori by amielou82	16-Nov-03/7:36 AM
Well. This made me look up what a "Koori", what it means in a general sense, and some history. These kinds of things definitely do raise awareness. The language with the simple rhymes and abundance of extra words is a bit adolescent, and there's not a whole lot wrong with that in this context. have an encouraging -8-; thanks for expanding my worldview in a specific way (I already knew it sucked in these regards in a general way).
Re: To Fly by amielou82	16-Nov-03/8:31 AM
I have to say the simple sentiment is refreshing, and that sentiment is consistent with the language. Imagine what you could convey with a broader toolset? show me what the wings look like, show me more of that view; how, exactly, does the earth look through the clouds. Can you make a play with the wings as clouds (another poem, perhaps)? that last sentence - you shouldn't have to tell me that, I should read the thing and say it to myself. Have an -8- with points for encouragement.
Re: Hansel & Gratel by ShaNoN+960317485	16-Nov-03/8:38 AM
"A hobble a cackle a wisp of chuckle" - that, I like alot. couple suggestions, for what they're worth: the thing with nostalgic crumbs right at the start is tricky because you don't want the reader to stumble making sense of that (I stumbled a bit), then having stumbled I hit "eat my brother" - is that a request made to the witch? Who's side are you on, anyway? having said that - I think, after reading this, you might be on the witch side. and I like that *idea*, but the poem doesn't quite convince me you are doing it on purpose. Know what I mean? There's some good language and that awesome hobble-cackle line but I feel like it could be more. if you are doing that traitorus twist, then it's worth making it more. a hopeful -8-
regarding some deleted poem...	16-Nov-03/3:14 PM
This feels like a transitional piece for you; something between one style and another. Stanza 3 is a joy. There are a couple bumps that when smoothed will make this thing much better. "in to" - "toward" "You desire" might be "what you desire", or "you're desire" "drink my" - "drink of my" maybe I like that last stanza too - I have a slightly raised eyebrow for "incessant" though... sounds too much like incest. have an -8-
Re: Common ground. by INTRANSIT	16-Nov-03/3:23 PM
Good stuff. -8-
Re: Anonymous Voters Of Zeros by scitz	17-Nov-03/6:09 AM
LoL - I feel your pain. poetically brilliant: "You sad cocksucking, moronic, insecure twats, I hope you find your come-uppance, In a shower of baseball bats." I feel fairly safe in saying that prolly you are the first to rhyme bats with twats. -9-
regarding some deleted poem...	17-Nov-03/7:20 AM
Some very lovely language here. first line in the second stanza would benefit from another poke at - as well as the third line of the last "thought....". nice work. -8-
Re: how bad is this by keatsImnot	17-Nov-03/8:01 AM
Pentameter flawlessly applied - Keats or not, well done on this. gonna give this an -8-
Re: Painting by Art Glocken	17-Nov-03/10:30 AM
difficult questions; difficult times... -7-
Re: Hidden by Miggy	17-Nov-03/1:54 PM
A lyric. I think a bridge with more detail about this dirty little secret would be in order. as it stands there are some nice bits, but it needs something more. -7-
regarding some deleted poem...	17-Nov-03/1:58 PM
cats and bugs - nicely done! I hate when mine eats spiders... okay - now. it is about nature - and there is an implied season with the dragonfly - hey - this might even be a real haiku! (as close as one can get in engrish). -9-
Re: A girl named Chuck by Shardik	18-Nov-03/8:14 AM
and a cymbal crash at the end! well done. -9-
Re: 10-72 by dragonfly	18-Nov-03/8:19 AM
a lovely codependent ditty. the only nit I can knit is that I'd like to see a better word than just gun, and cut off is screaming to be replaced. -8-
regarding some deleted poem...	18-Nov-03/8:35 AM
Its a glosa - anyone heard of a glosa in these here parts? basically, given a poem or some other text - you make another poem using each line of the first as last lines in each stanza. Italics would have been nice, but the arrows are good enough, if perhaps distracting.
regarding some deleted poem...	18-Nov-03/1:12 PM
INTRANSIT wanted a pantoum; so here is a pantoum. For those wanting to know, a pantoum is a malayan form. The second and fourth line of each quatrain are duplicated in the first and third of the next. No rules on how many stanzas, and there is an arrangement between the beginning and end too, which I would have to look up to refresh my brain - you can prolly derive it from this example.