Woopee, I'm learning to edit! This is a monumental achievement for me, and why I came here to hang out after getting spanked on eratosphere.

I stole the two unders from myself! (Taller Girl)

I hesitated to use BMW, then opted for verisimilitude. All taxis in Germany are BMW's. I originally had "The pale car..", maybe I'll go back to that.

on the path is probably better, I will take that advice.

you don't like black night of the sky is moving to indigo?!! Damn. I will think about that, maybe I can find something better.

Question: do you think his made up dream for her is cheesy enough, or should it be cheesier, to make the point more? and is it clear that when he's imagining her face in the sand he starts to see her as a giant octopus, or should I just say it?

God no. 5500 hits on google :)
Interestingly, though, few dictionaries cite the verb form.
But it's heavily used in swords & sorcery novels, romance novels and cheesy porn stories. "His lips quirked" is a stock cliche in all three of those genres.

Oh does this one rhyme? I didn't notice, I guess I was too wrapped up untangling tenses and thinking about Nietzche rolling his eyes.

You're right, the "but" is entirely unnecessary.

I think your right about steel cubes too, but I haven't anything better to mind. I'll have to think about it.

It was written at different times, almost everything I write is, sometimes with years in between additions.

I also think I want to ditch soul in the third line, and just say "Knows me for my similarity." Whaddya think?

You can write what you want. Readers can say what they want. Why should the freedom go only one way?

If you don't want to hear what people have to say about what you write, don't post. If you want to hear only a particular type of comment about what you write, post somewhere that is censored and moderated and targeted at your demographic group.

There are other online poetry forums where, if you posted this particular piece of shite, they wouldn't say anything at all, they would simply delete your post and your account.

His science fiction is far above almost all other science fiction. They are novels first, science fiction second. Player of Games is indeed excellent, but Use of Weapons is my favourite. If you're an old school science fiction short story fan, you'll remember the twist is the thing. Use of Weapons is the best twist evar. In any case, start with Wasp Factory and read the whole oeuvre, there aren't any stinkers in the lot.

yeah, it's pretty sappy, eh? I wrote it on a napkin in the Hari Krishna temple in Laguna Beach at one of their huge weekly dinners.

The one part I like is "I vibrate in the strings between stars/and have become a throat of the sun."

I'm not sure it's a pimple, though, just sappy. I've another sappy pome from the same evening that I'll post later.

Whether or not it's a sentence fragment is not an opinion.

Whether or not it should STAY a sentence fragment would be an opinion, but I did not express any such opinion. Merely asked.

sure. She can do whatever the fuck she wants. Then, subsequently, we the readers can SAY whatever the fuck we want about what she did. That's the famous corollary to Poetic License--Reader's License. Also know as the Calling You on Your Bullshit License.

The amazon link doesn't work for me, but instead takes me to either "Middlesex: a Novel" or "One Hundred Years of Solitude (Oprah's Book Club)"

I think I know Fred Chappell from eratosphere.

The most contemporary poet I know is Martha Hollander. Some years ago I spent a day reading obscure poetry reviews in the library, hating almost all of it save this one poem by Martha Hollander. So I bought her book, Game of Statues, which I still read occasionally and still find beautiful.

Yes, it's excellent. My favourite of the Iain M. Banks bunch is Use of Weapons. And of the Iain Banks bunch, I guess I would say The Crow Road. With The Bridge as a close second. I think there's only one that I haven't read yet.

ok, I retract my comment. I'm not sure why "keep" bothered me. Possibly because I'm insane?

Princess, I recommend this pome: http://poemranker.com/poem-details.jsp?id=5813

Evidently, the two of you speak the same language.

Entertaining the possibility that these are sincere questions I will respond to them at face value: it's an old relationship, comfortable perhaps, but no longer based on romance, and this is a rare romantic moment. The narrator is rather reluctant to participate in the romantic moon cliche, tries to deny it by slandering the moon with anti-romantic descriptions, but succumbs to it in the end anyway.

foot/feet -- possibly your right but I don't think it matters and feet sounds better.

The title is because, although I may be more facile with words than the average teenager, the actual content of the pome is standard pimple pome Weltschmerz.