Re: I don't fit in by devina	7-Feb-04/1:19 PM
I notice you made no comment on my pome when you came to my page to whine about my cruelty--kinda makes what you said somewhat hypocritical, don't you think? I change my vote to a 10. There's your green bar where you want it. Everyone who counts will know exactly what that 10 means. You posted your pome without any intention of improving it. If you'd had any intention of improving it, you'd have fixed the glaring grammatical and word-use mistakes. You say hole instead of whole. You say knew instead of new. You said "what everyone do". These are incredibly stupid mistakes of grammar, but are not really that important. Here's the real reason everyone who counts condemned your pome: You chose as a topic something that is written about constantly, and didn't bother to say anything at all new, original or creative about it. The entire pome is "telling" -- ZERO "showing". Not a single concrete detail, just cliche after endless cliche. There is absolutely nothing in 23 lines that allows us to identify anything at all about the narrator, or their situation. Nothing. Not a color, not an image, not a glimpse of character, no people, no buildings, no trees, no rooms, no anything. No carefully manicured metaphors, nor sprawling similes. Nothing at all of interest. Why didn't you just post "I don't fit in and I feel shitty about it." There isn't anything else in your 23 lines but a repetition of that. If you had ever read anything at all about poetry anywhere, you would know that all telling with no showing is THE cardinal sin of poetry. You can break any other rule -- ANY other rule -- and get away with it if you do it creatively and skillfully, but not this one. How is it that you don't know this about poetry? Or that you failed to see it in what you wrote? If you are too lazy too learn anything about writing before you post your babblings, why should anyone take you seriously or show you any respect? In any other field of endeavour in life, could you walk in without making any effort to learn what's what and expect anyone to respond to you with anything other than derision? People being cruel just for the fun of it is a very effective force for improving your poetry. Here's why: they know nothing about you. Nothing at all. The only ability they have to be cruel is what the pomes you post give them. In other words, those pointlessly cruel comments are indeed pointing out exactly what is wrong with you poetry, if you are willing to listen. A lot of the commentary & posturing I do on here is because I want to provoke people into being cruel to me, or more specifically, to the pomes I post. Because I WANT to know when I've written something stupid, so I can improve. Is that enough actual targeted criticism for you? Or did you even bother to read this far. You don't deserve targeted criticism, because you haven't made enough effort to learn anything on your own yet. You fucking stupid bint.
Re: a comment on Gardener by lastobelus	7-Feb-04/12:37 PM
thank you kindly. I know it's not the usual thing for pomeranker, but any detailed comments/crits would be tremendously welcome...
Re: a comment on I Go On by drumrgirl30	6-Feb-04/6:55 AM
Stop whining. I'll change your codpiece later.
Re: a comment on I Go On by drumrgirl30	6-Feb-04/6:54 AM
"I cant go back & re-do it" What the fuck are you talking about? What, are you afraid if you edit it your head will explode?
Re: a comment on Tales From The Outhouse by -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.	5-Feb-04/4:32 PM
yes, your rhyming scheme has a name! Though I'm not sure if the rhythm scheme is also encompassed by that name. You'll have to dig out the name from my comment yourself :P
Re: Let's Let the Flies In, Thomas by NanceXToo	5-Feb-04/4:19 PM
The last line appeals muchly to me as a good Canadian. The one line I don't like -- and I dislike it quite strongly -- is "but I lost my voice when you lost yours" It's a cliche in an otherwise quite original depiction of remembering a lost mate. And your narrator just doesn't strike me at all as someone who's lost her voice. It jars.
Re: Something's gone wrong by zodiac	5-Feb-04/3:44 PM
I tried to find something to nitpick on this pome, but I can't (I'm not sure why I'm the only one who thinks it's a 10) Last line is killer. Ok, I found my nitpick, but it's only a personal preference: I prefer wouldn't to couldn't. I think your narrator's more a wouldn't leave than a couldn't leave.
Re: a comment on Something's gone wrong by zodiac	5-Feb-04/3:30 PM
henh? at the current rate of voting -- and assuming no more ranking wars broke out twixt the eversquabbling inmates -- it would take years for the best & worst lists to stop showing the hendrinos/rockmage/cristallaneswift effect. (That's not in any way intended as a comment on the quality of your pomes, which I consider to be high.)
Re: a comment on Tales From The Outhouse by -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.	5-Feb-04/3:21 PM
no, I'm not standing up for the regulars. Nobody needs to stand up for DA, he's like a fucking descendant of Oscar Wilde. I'm pointing out that there is a tremendous amount of skill with language demonstrated here that you, or I, or most would find difficult to equal irregardless of whether we were writing about logs of shit or the frangible beauty of first love in springtime in Paris. Oh, and just for the fuck of it I was also amusing myself by embedding the name of the form of this pome (it does have a name) in my comment.
Re: a comment on Gardener by lastobelus	5-Feb-04/3:12 PM
actually, I must confess this is one of my old ones. And also one of my favourites. I have started reading some Heaney, and I like his quiet. I realized after watching Lost in Translation how tired I've become of hyperbole and peril. I've been writing some plotless prose lately. No peril, no metaphorical thwacks on the side of the head. You know hemingway's famous fishing short story, guy comes back from the war and goes fishing? That kind of thing. I'm thinking about the S1.L5 comment. It's an interesting observation. How do you feel about "and the sky touches down the brim of my hat" or "and the sky nudges down the brim of my hat"? I wrote this as a stealth pome -- something I knew would do well busking (I sold a wack of plaques of this pome) -- but that had semi-covert meaning for me. I respectfully invite you to have another look at S.3 and see if you can find some density of meaning there. But if you do, leave the 9! I ain't grubbing for more vote, dangit.
Re: a comment on Tales From The Outhouse by -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.	5-Feb-04/1:31 PM
Hmm, are you honestly oblivious to the skill & dexterity with language that is shown here? Go on, show me four stanzas of yours that that are this well constructed. Aber es ist mir nichts neu, that you read in vain and cannot appreciate the classique nature of this pome. Oh, and one other thing -- it's fuckin' funny.
Re: a comment on Blue Fuckin' Moon by lastobelus	5-Feb-04/10:34 AM
Thanks! "go, go, go amber glint" is referring to the advertising product shot version of the liquor they're drinking. If I introduce the bottle first, then would that make sense? Faulkner's not tossed in by accident, the feel of this (at least in my head when I wrote it) is derived from parts of the sound and the fury (which has influenced me more than any other single thing I've ever read). So I was thinking about having the narrator imagine Caddy skinny-dipping with them, and quentin sitting by himself on the dock watching resentfully. I can work up the part that you say loses you more I think -- I just want to evoke flashes of images of passing the bottle of liquor back and forth, the girls gamboling in the water & over everything the full moon. And I wanted the narrator to come across as pretty fucking drunk.
Re: a comment on The Weight of Words and the Meaning in the Wind by somemorepoetry	5-Feb-04/9:07 AM
Top o' t' mornin' t'ya. Today I am working with AppleScript and QuarkXPress. If you're not familiar with those products, you can just read them as "hot branding iron" and "down my fucking throat". So I won't be writing any poetry as I will be too busy wrapping iron bands around my head to keep it from exploding with frustration as I restart the frickin' Mac every 5 minutes. due for excoriation: Blue Fuckin' Moon, by lastobelus http://poemranker.com/poem-details.jsp?id=44460
Re: a comment on A Beard Most Foul by wFraser Allonby Q.C.w	4-Feb-04/5:20 AM
(it was pretty fucking funny, must confess)
Re: a comment on A Beard Most Foul by wFraser Allonby Q.C.w	4-Feb-04/5:19 AM
you are indeed a complete bastard, he's 13 ferchrissakes. tsk tsk tsk.
Re: The Postcard Shop by Fear of Garbage	1-Feb-04/5:58 PM
I can't find a context to encompass the details.
Re: On The Floor of the Hospital by Fear of Garbage	1-Feb-04/5:45 PM
I don't understand what the red books are about, or how they relate to the rest of the pome. Last line is stunning. "snapping like thorns off of cotton" is incredibly apt. monitor is spelled wrong. The two lines about the nurse -- you get much done with few words. more more more more more more. I want more. Quit school and write 12 hours a day. Or something.
Re: Your True War Story by zodiac	1-Feb-04/5:22 AM
This is the best of your war pomes, I think. But this habit of posting pomes on top of other unrelated pomes is disconcerting -- perhaps you should consider investing in another nick? "Coming home without enough character to kill" is simply wonderful.
Re: a comment on Out Doubt! by wlshepherd	31-Jan-04/6:20 AM
??? The original (and still often used) meaning of fey goes so well together with wan that it's almost a redundancy.
Re: a comment on Ghost by lastobelus	29-Jan-04/4:39 PM
push CLS comments off which page? I'm confused--she has no comments here, oder?