poemranker ::Ghost by lastobelus

DetailsThe poem, its numbers, and the conversation.

Free verse № 79712

Ghost

by lastobelus

Member since 2003 · Posted 18 Jan 2004 · Edited 29 Jan 2004 · 12 comments

One moment we are laughing, knowing she will be born. In the next, without transition I am a dream of you remembering me in light. Not knowing what is meant next for me I follow you in our home, move through you While you shower on spring mornings, Wanting to warm you. I stand with you before mirrors, and your hair Is around me like a lifeboat, stopping nothing And I am a circle of praise around your waist. You move from room to room, still living And I flit to intercept you in each doorway-- You don't see me, or hear me. You don't touch me, or taste me. The bright morning comes and we go together to bear her. I am together, but you are alone. Then she is born, and you are together and I am alone. Though I fill all of a portal between us, Our child passes through me to greet you. She emerges from darkness as I enter it And I have not even the power to kiss her. On an altar to exceptions I enter my pleas: For love, for life, for laughter, to return Once not as streams of light beyond The wavelength of mortal eyes, For the particles of me to exist beyond your mind, That my touch might surprise you. But there is no exception for me. Unable to contain myself any longer in rooms I vibrate in the strings between stars And have become a throat of the sun. I am a dream of me in your memory, I am small stories for our daughter. Your memory narrows, and I disperse slowly And can no longer feel the rain.

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mean 5.33 weighted 5.04 rank 7117 views 225 View voting details →

3 votes so far. Yours would make 4.3 votes so far

12 comments

[8] deleted user 28-Jan-04/7:39 AM Reply
I weep for you, who will not thrill at the ions purging before the cleanse.
[9] zodiac 28-Jan-04/7:59 AM Reply
Pimple. I'm surprised at you. Don't worry, my last was an utter flop.
[9] zodiac › zodiac 28-Jan-04/8:09 AM Reply
To elaborate: there is no unity of imagery or tone, except inasmuch as it's predictable eternal vibrations and stuff. Even worse, there's no gimmick. Poems NEED NEED NEED a gimmick - they're like country songs in that respect; the rest can be trash, as long as there's that memorable line or turn of phrase. That's callow and unpoetically hawk-eyed, true, but it works (ie, all your best poems have gimmicks.) The 'feeling the rain' part is close, but a little short of the proverbial cigar. If you had to try to pull it off, I'd at least introduce rain a little earlier in the poem - which you know already. And if I write any more, I'm afraid I'll be taking longer commenting than you took writing this poem. One more thing: while trying to think of another expression for hawk-eyed, I became fascinated by the term 'pie-eyed' for 'drunk.' I currently think it's amazing and beautiful.
[9] zodiac › zodiac 28-Jan-04/8:17 AM Reply
That said: Ghosts are very interesting, though overused. I think the huge ghost-related entertainment output of America misses some interesting questions about ghosts - such as, why do ghosts always have to appear in some scary or at least startling manner, even if they're friendly ghosts just trying to right some wrong, or appearing to their former loved ones? Even more important, why do ghosts always want to right wrongs and get revenge anyway? You'd think being dead already would put a little perspective on the whole I-must-avenge thing and they'd just, I don't know, hang out instead. My wife and I have a plan, should one of us die, to appear to each other in the least startling way possible. It involves a bright sunny day and a very non-cryptic telephone call well in advance. I think Jefferson and Hamilton had a similar plan, sans telephone.
[n/a] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. › zodiac 28-Jan-04/8:47 AM Reply
How dare you? HOW DARE YOU!!!!!11
[9] zodiac › -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. 28-Jan-04/8:49 AM Reply
What do you mean?
[n/a] lastobelus › zodiac 28-Jan-04/10:02 AM Reply
yeah, it's pretty sappy, eh? I wrote it on a napkin in the Hari Krishna temple in Laguna Beach at one of their huge weekly dinners.

The one part I like is "I vibrate in the strings between stars/and have become a throat of the sun."

I'm not sure it's a pimple, though, just sappy. I've another sappy pome from the same evening that I'll post later.
[9] zodiac 29-Jan-04/3:24 PM Reply
8 for getting better. Also 8 for not being your best.
[9] zodiac 29-Jan-04/4:27 PM Reply
As far as I'm concerned it improves with each repost. I'm sorry I called it a pimple. Much of this really appeals to me - but if I write more, I'm afraid I'll push CLS/Lydia evelyn's darling comments off the page. Mayhap later.
[n/a] lastobelus › zodiac 29-Jan-04/4:32 PM Reply
Woopee, I'm learning to edit! This is a monumental achievement for me, and why I came here to hang out after getting spanked on eratosphere.
[n/a] lastobelus › zodiac 29-Jan-04/4:39 PM Reply
push CLS comments off which page? I'm confused--she has no comments here, oder?
[9] zodiac › lastobelus 29-Jan-04/4:56 PM Reply
I guess they're already gone. She was doing her respond-to-everything schtick.