zodiac28 Jan 2004

To elaborate: there is no unity of imagery or tone, except inasmuch as it's predictable eternal vibrations and stuff. Even worse, there's no gimmick. Poems NEED NEED NEED a gimmick - they're like country songs in that respect; the rest can be trash, as long as there's that memorable line or turn of phrase. That's callow and unpoetically hawk-eyed, true, but it works (ie, all your best poems have gimmicks.) The 'feeling the rain' part is close, but a little short of the proverbial cigar. If you had to try to pull it off, I'd at least introduce rain a little earlier in the poem - which you know already. And if I write any more, I'm afraid I'll be taking longer commenting than you took writing this poem. One more thing: while trying to think of another expression for hawk-eyed, I became fascinated by the term 'pie-eyed' for 'drunk.' I currently think it's amazing and beautiful.