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Let's Let the Flies In, Thomas (Free verse) by NanceXToo When the flies came, you were already
seven months gone.
They hovered over backyards and possibilities
and with accessibility to ready orifices limited,
propane tanks not yet fitted to sleepy barbecues,
they did ugly things to my memory of you instead.
I know it doesn't matter, Thomas, and it's early,
but I couldn't sleep, so I mowed your lawn.
(Well, it's the Tannenbaum's lawn now,
but somehow they don't belong there,
and I wanted to tell them so--you would have, once--
but I lost my voice when you lost yours).
It's chilly at home and I roam through silent rooms, shivering.
Jackie joked: "I see dead people" and I kicked her out
(like I'd like to kick the Tannenbaums out of your house
like I'd like to kick you out of my head
like you once kicked me out of bed and a depression so
without reason, it seems laughable now)
but I'm sorry now, because you would have seen the humor
and it's so unbearably lonely.
You probably know that feeling.
Let's let the flies in, Thomas.
I'll leave the screens off,
and you keep doing exactly what you're doing.
The Tannenbaums
can mow their own fucking lawn.
Up the ladder:
Thanks (Dovina)
Down the ladder:
Monkey Tree (Breathless edit)
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 8.428572
Posted: February 5, 2004 2:38 PM PST; Last modified: February 5, 2004 2:38 PM PSTWeighted score: 5.922085 Overall Rank: 1415 Comments:
For the line, "Well, it's the Tannenbaum's lawn now", I'd suggest getting rid of 'well' and 'it's' and the parenthesis, which make it chatty in a way that bugs me here. In fact, that whole stanza is unnecessary. It adds nothing, but allows a couple of cheap lines to creep in (see lastobelus's note). The next stanza too, could be pared down, the lines shortened and tightened up. You could characterize Jackie in one short line (I see clacking bracelets somehow) and that would help a lot. I know you're trying to keep a breezy chatty style, and I know why. But I think it hurts. The language could be familiar and still poetic. The last stanza powerhouse. It's too strong to come after the rest. You should let it (and st.1) set the tone and voice for the middle. That's about all I can think of. And yes, I got your email.
I agree with zodiac's comments here.
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The one line I don't like -- and I dislike it quite strongly -- is "but I lost my voice when you lost yours" It's a cliche in an otherwise quite original depiction of remembering a lost mate. And your narrator just doesn't strike me at all as someone who's lost her voice. It jars.