zodiac5 Feb 2004

For the line, "Well, it's the Tannenbaum's lawn now", I'd suggest getting rid of 'well' and 'it's' and the parenthesis, which make it chatty in a way that bugs me here. In fact, that whole stanza is unnecessary. It adds nothing, but allows a couple of cheap lines to creep in (see lastobelus's note). The next stanza too, could be pared down, the lines shortened and tightened up. You could characterize Jackie in one short line (I see clacking bracelets somehow) and that would help a lot. I know you're trying to keep a breezy chatty style, and I know why. But I think it hurts. The language could be familiar and still poetic. The last stanza powerhouse. It's too strong to come after the rest. You should let it (and st.1) set the tone and voice for the middle. That's about all I can think of. And yes, I got your email.