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The Grandfather Suite (Limerick) by -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.
Grandfather's Beard Grandfather has an old beard. With butter 'tis lavishly smear'd. When Grandfather died, It shrivel'd and dried, But still to his dead face adher'd. Grandfather's Eye Grandfather's lifeless red eye Can through walls all naughty deeds spy. If you bare your lip, You may earn a trip To the bony expanse of his thigh. Grandfather's Vest Grandfather's vest, brown of leather, Secretes a brown scent in wet weather. I once took a smell And was forcef'lly propell'd To the end of my safe-keeping tether!! Grandfather's Stump Grandfather's stump, it is rumour'd, Has three rows of teeth, and a tumour. No-one has seen it, Or ever dared clean it, Or even approach'd his stain'd bloomers. Grandfather's Box What's inside Grandfather's box? Why has it so many locks? Perhaps it is owls! Perhaps it is jowls! Perhaps it is balm for his socks.

Up the ladder: Emo Kid
Down the ladder: Origins

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Arithmetic Mean: 5.714286
Weighted score: 5.192101
Overall Rank: 4644
Posted: January 24, 2004 2:34 AM PST; Last modified: January 24, 2004 11:11 AM PST
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Comments:
[10] lastobelus @ 217.82.13.226 | 24-Jan-04/4:36 AM | Reply
When Granddaddy gave us a lickin'
He kept time with the hall clock's slow tickin'
It wasn't the pain
That made us insane
But so long to his stump to be stickin'
[n/a] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. @ 131.111.212.215 > lastobelus | 24-Jan-04/4:54 AM | Reply
Ace!
[n/a] Goad @ 217.82.13.226 | 24-Jan-04/7:08 AM | Reply
My Grandfather loved me the best,
He said, holding me close to his chest
I stayed deathly still
'till his snores sounded shrill
and I could unstick my face from his vest.
[n/a] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. @ 131.111.212.215 > Goad | 24-Jan-04/11:12 AM | Reply
A good effort, but Grandfather cannot speak, as he has always been dead.

There is no Grandmother.
[n/a] middenHeap @ 217.82.13.226 | 24-Jan-04/7:19 AM | Reply
Thank God, Grandma kept Grandpa well-trained
And all of his bad habits constrained
But it took her some time
To get him in line
And he'd long since all carpets bestained.
[n/a] deleted user @ 24.222.81.233 | 24-Jan-04/10:29 AM | Reply
I believe you have infantilism covered by now.
[n/a] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. @ 131.111.212.215 > deleted user | 24-Jan-04/11:11 AM | Reply
Don't be stupid. -=Dark_Angel=- only writes one sort of poetry: the incredibly infantile sort.
[n/a] deleted user @ 24.222.81.233 > -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. | 24-Jan-04/11:40 AM | Reply
I was not speaking of incredible infants you pusnoodle.
[10] zodiac @ 67.240.155.97 > deleted user | 24-Jan-04/9:54 PM | Reply
Sorry - who again ARE you?
>>>>>
tomcheese@hotmail.com
subscribed to chat@poemranker.com
...
Location: canada
...
Last poems posted:
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[10] Bachus @ 24.126.116.54 | 24-Jan-04/12:02 PM | Reply
Grandfather's razor?

[n/a] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. @ 131.111.212.215 > Bachus | 24-Jan-04/12:18 PM | Reply
Oh yeah, nice one. I hadn't thought of that. Because, you know, why associate Grandfather with his number one characteristic? You should write Grandfather's Razor yourself. It should at least be funny, since even after nearly 2 years you haven't grasped how limericks work.
[n/a] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. @ 163.1.146.87 > Bachus | 24-Jan-04/12:55 PM | Reply
Dear Bachus,

I would urge you to keep an eye on the IP address associated with whichever -=Dark_Angel=- you happen to be conversing with. I'd like you to know that I would never mock you as 131.111.212.215 just has, because I respect you as a writer, actor, musician, and, most importantly, a father. 131.111.212.215 is neither a writer, an actor, a musician, nor a father, though he did once mess his pants during a P.E lesson and had to go home early.
Bear in mind that 131.111.212.215 is the author of the poeme we are having this discussion on, and that I have countless emails from 163.1.146.87 saying what a massive flop and homosexual he thinks you are. If you like I could paste some of them here.

Furthermore, he has a giant congenital deformity on his face that he tries to cover up with Bounty wrappers and Pritt Stick, and he is an arse ploughman. Thanks!
[n/a] deleted user @ 24.222.81.233 > -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. | 24-Jan-04/1:07 PM | Reply
This comment was obviously written by a big blendered gay man.
[n/a] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. @ 131.111.212.215 > deleted user | 24-Jan-04/1:09 PM | Reply
You secretly toss off into a train engineer's hat at night.
[n/a] deleted user @ 24.222.81.233 > -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. | 24-Jan-04/1:16 PM | Reply
Listen hear you big blendered gay man I only wished to inform you that your spotlighted buttocks were jumping across my shed walls each night.
Email from 131.111.212.215 <address censored>

10th October 1999

Hi <163.1.146.87>,

I don't know what to say - I feel awful. It's been really bad for me since the... accident, and I don't know if I can handle school for much longer. All the other kids gang up on me, especially the ones who were... underneath the parallel bars at the time. Last night I cried myself to sleep, and had a terrible dream about a mystery boy who did a poo in his brand new red underpants during a double squat dismount from a set of parallel bars. And then when I woke up I realised that the mystery boy was me, and that I wouldn't be seeing my brand new pair of red underpants ever again. Anyway that's my winge over with. Guess I'll catch you later,

<131.111.212.215>
From: James Wright <woundedsoul44@hotmail.com>
To: Matthew Bennett <XXXXX>
Date: Thu, 22 Jan 2004 19:43:39 +0000 (GMT)
Subject: Re: Tears of Sorrow

Oh god please tell me you didn't tell Justin what I said, you know how I feel about him. :(

Anyway in response to your question no I don't think Jeremi is cool I think he's a massive dork.

cya

--
WoundedSoul44 woundedsoul44@hotmail.com

"Death is like the pure fading sun falling upon the black scales of a dragon on a crystallised winter's night" -- Kurt Cobain
[8] pretty_poet_21 @ 198.111.220.6 | 24-Jan-04/12:07 PM | Reply
I like how the poem is divided into sections. It makes one pause and reflect on each.
[n/a] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. @ 131.111.212.215 | 24-Jan-04/4:01 PM | Reply
Dear Goad & tomcheese,

Your conversation was becoming dangerously wacky, so I had nuke it from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.
[n/a] Goad @ 217.82.13.226 > -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. | 24-Jan-04/5:04 PM | Reply
yeah, well you missed one. And I feel violated.
[n/a] Lenore @ 64.252.99.60 | 25-Jan-04/10:34 PM | Reply
Sometimes the darker angel presents to the nostrils an apple of the Tree of Life.
other times........

not so much.
[10] Tits @ 195.157.153.253 | 26-Jan-04/1:20 AM | Reply
How well do you know Chris Buckley?
[2] Edna Sweetlove @ 81.178.117.218 | 15-May-06/4:58 PM | Reply
Not very funny.
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