| regarding some deleted poem... |
1-Mar-03/7:48 PM |
my only two problems with this:
i don't like the 4th and 5th lines in the first stanza...whenever i hear stuff like that it makes me shudder i don't know why...
2nd, in the 3rd stanza, the last line does rhyme well with the second. perhaps if you changed it to "i'll stomp him into the floor" or something thereof...you decide you're probably a better rhymer than i.
other than that quite good i give you my applause.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
1-Mar-03/7:49 PM |
oops i meant doesn't rhyme well...
you get it
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| Re: His Dying Words (2nd draft) by Ranger |
1-Mar-03/7:56 PM |
Ranger i've read some of your other works and although i respect your language and obvious intelligence sometimes when i'm reading your poetry i don't enjoy the piece at all because i'm so busy critiquing it as i go.
i have a just one piece of advice for you. stop trying to rhyme. anything. at all.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
3-Mar-03/1:17 PM |
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.....what about the rhyme scheme
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| Re: Prometheus sang for vultures by horus8 |
5-Mar-03/3:50 PM |
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i like this sort of thing. paranoid, evasive and bitter. 8
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| Re: Thawed by Roisin |
12-Mar-03/5:57 PM |
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| Re: Mirror to Mirror by Roisin |
27-Mar-03/4:24 PM |
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hhmmmm. simple. i like it.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
27-Mar-03/4:28 PM |
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quite good, i love the professionalism. you could use a few more metaphors
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| Re: Hazy days by cleverdevice |
27-Mar-03/4:32 PM |
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muh....i don't like the end. its pretty vague but not in a good way and not final or strong at all. some excellant description though. i was glad it wasn't longer, it would've ruined the charm.
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| Re: Red Skies and Thunderflies by intheailse |
28-Mar-03/10:07 AM |
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| Re: Perversions 7: Viva Las Naked by razorgrin |
29-Mar-03/4:13 PM |
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your other perversions are much better.
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| Re: Why? Pt 1 by hdw |
31-Mar-03/7:17 AM |
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why indeed. whine for a few more hours, maybe it will help.
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| Re: Sex on the Weightbench by 2StonersThatCare |
31-Mar-03/7:25 AM |
8 is too much for this.....but i like the occasional punctuation of "Sex on the weightbench."
And that delicious mmm at the end!
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| Re: Unlocking Happiness by darkhelmet10 |
31-Mar-03/7:29 AM |
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oh ick. self-righteous as a prophet.
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| Re: Me against Me by TruthlessHero |
6-Apr-03/4:40 PM |
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mmm...you kindof mixed me up in the last paragraph but other than that suprisingly good
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| Re: papercut suicide by papercut |
6-Apr-03/4:43 PM |
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some of the adjectives are drammatical and very unecessary....pretentious even. take some of them out before they drown out the rest of your thoughts
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| Re: A Piano With No Keys by Quarton |
6-Apr-03/4:50 PM |
ooooh delicious!! aren't you the schemer.
my only problem, too many rhymes in the second stanza.
but keep everything else
especially the last stanza-it gave me shivers. 9
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| Re: Beauty, sleeping (revised) by Ranger |
26-Apr-03/1:42 PM |
i like the first two lines and the last
sort of ironic
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| Re: Scarlet Bridge by marvelis |
26-Apr-03/1:44 PM |
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wow. it souds like you're just doing this for the hell of a rhyme. a very bad rhyme.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
26-Apr-03/1:47 PM |
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whining trent reznor with his tongue cut out
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