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Mirror to Mirror (Free verse) by Roisin
Heard have I the unspoken truths that sit bold yet incognito lost 'tween your lip and my cheek. Many times you've presented me your mystery or thrown it in my path knowing my habit to cast downwards glances. And so I shall once more feign bewilderment, mock wrestle the knots inside you, take to bed early with just a dry kiss and no nightcap. This charade it pleases you, silences and stares, wasted meals, sentences unfinished I have played unwitting student each time. your chill has solidified Something molten that Inside me did flow. So tonight when beside me You lie and sense a change in the linen or the light or the heat in the room, Gradually you might realise That it is my pillow that's different. It is dry.

Up the ladder: Feminine
Down the ladder: To dust

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Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
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Arithmetic Mean: 5.8
Weighted score: 5.095362
Overall Rank: 6040
Posted: March 26, 2003 9:55 AM PST; Last modified: November 12, 2003 9:30 AM PST
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Comments:
[5] poetandknowit @ 67.40.59.201 | 26-Mar-03/11:31 AM | Reply
And as a bulb buried
deep in wintry soil
knows not to die,
I really like these lines, which makes the last line pale a bit next to them. Can you find a way to stick with the image? Maybe. Maybe not?
[n/a] <~> @ 172.150.178.197 > poetandknowit | 27-Mar-03/7:34 PM | Reply
yeah, that's a great image. but this one is so false, untrue, unknowing that it kills it, dead:

I lie nestled in wait
Curled like an autumn leaf
Waiting for life.

AUTUMN LEAVES ARE d-e-d DEAD!!!

buds lie culred and waiting, at the tips of the branches. unless you are waiting for the life of the flames--a conflagration to end all conflagrations.


[7] Fear of Garbage @ 64.56.114.235 | 27-Mar-03/4:24 PM | Reply
hhmmmm. simple. i like it.
[n/a] god'swife @ 209.178.178.82 | 27-Mar-03/8:35 PM | Reply
Waiting to die

"Waiting to die"

There is some promise here. Think carefully.

Curled like an autumn leaf
Waiting to die

is a brilliant line. I think I steal it from you, after all, I made it work.

Get rid of closed.

Get rid of in ( i will walk your trail)

"kicking dust up as I go"

What the fuck, this needs a deep cleaning, and I'm not giving anything away for free (anymore).

You know what your talking about but you have no skills.


[n/a] Roisin @ 149.170.39.33 > god'swife | 28-Mar-03/10:24 AM | Reply
I have no skills? Thankyou for your advice but I think that is a bit of a sweeping statement about my whole ability as a writer don't you think?
I know that this poem i9s not very good, I wrote it stoned off my face and simply put it on here to get some constructive advice. I knew that there was
a problem with the final image but i had a bit of a mental block and just shoved that line in at the end to give it
some temporary finishing line. You have previously commented positively on my poetry and so this barrage of (as I see it) not
quite insulting and borderline abuse comes as quite a shock. While your advice is somewhat useful several of the revised lines
that you suggested misunderstand the voice and theme of the poem. "I will walk your trail" suggests an image of
following someone's lifestyle, doing things in the same way that they do them where as it was supposed to get across a
sense of following, shadowing a person. I will continue to redraft this poem as is the only way to improve a piece
of work. Please remember that all art forms, including poetry are subjective. The notion of being 'skilled' surely is an objective claim
and cannot be legitimately applied to a subjective practice. Feel free to have that line you invented 'curled like an autumn leaf waiting to die' because a) it
would be totally incoherent as a similie in this poem and b) A curled autumn leaf would already be dead thus the image of it waiting to die would be nonsensical.
Finally, yes I do know what I'm talking about but the question is do you
[n/a] god'swife @ 209.179.210.188 > Roisin | 28-Mar-03/5:20 PM | Reply
No, quite frankly, I don't know what I'm talking about. I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. I walked into the kitchen this afternoon after work and asked my son why there were dirty pots on the stove and dry noodles all over the floor. He told me I made some soup for him last night around 10pm because he was hungry. I don't remember any of it. The same thing happened last weekend. I called my best-friend at 3am ranting and crying. He finally talked me into going to bed. He came over the next morning because he was so concerned, I couldn't remember a damned thing. Estoy loca con dolor. Se me parte el corazon. I am drunk with anguish, and though it is no excuse for behaving badly, there it is. Please forgive me, I'm very sorry for lashing out at you and making a fool of myself. I do remember writing those comments, but they make no sense to me now.

[n/a] Roisin @ 149.170.39.35 > god'swife | 31-Mar-03/9:27 AM | Reply
Okay, apology accepted. Are you okay? Had you been drinking when the noodle thing happened?
Perhaps you should maybe see a doctor but if you wanna talk (or write) about it then I'll try and advise you as best i can.
[n/a] god'swife @ 209.179.212.161 > Roisin | 1-Apr-03/9:00 AM | Reply
Yes, I'm Okay. No, I hadn't been drinking alchohol. What triggered the psychotic episodes, apparently, was some Kava Kava tea I had been drinking. It's suppose to have some calming properties, and I was drinking it at night to counter my insomnia. I made the connection and stopped the Kava Kava, so far so good. So no Kava Kava for me.

I'm a nurse and have 15yrs. experience with Dr.'s. Most of them are sheep guided by the pharmaceutical companies and the almighty buck-a-runie. I don't go to doctors.

I've been through hell before, in the end I'll be better for it. I believe I'm already through the worst, will see. You already did the most helpful and loving thing you could, you forgave me. Thank you.
[n/a] wFraser Allonby Q.C.w @ 195.157.153.253 > god'swife | 23-May-03/4:33 AM | Reply
I'm pleased to see that poemranker is remaining true to its roots as a forum for the expression of earnest emotion and as an outlet for the deep-rooted fears and anxieties brought about by the unpredictable vicissitudes of modern life. Now go and read my poemes about bodily fluids.
[8] horus8 @ 24.126.113.154 | 23-May-03/2:17 AM | Reply
You should let me run with this. I'd fucking prime it to a high luster edit. An Olympian edit, if you will.
[9] Robert K Foster @ 209.68.66.140 | 11-Jun-03/4:41 AM | Reply
I like this very much, save the cliche' in the last line. you have talent. a solid 9.
[n/a] Roisin @ 80.225.44.12 > Robert K Foster | 11-Jun-03/11:52 AM | Reply
Do you mean you like it except the cliche in the last line or do you mean keep it? I'm very confused!
[9] Robert K Foster @ 66.66.214.253 > Roisin | 11-Jun-03/1:17 PM | Reply
I mean get rid of it--change it. strive for freshness in language. I apologize for my ambiguity.
[7] richa @ 81.86.249.124 | 3-Jul-03/9:45 AM | Reply
reads well
the title mirror mirror is a bit overused

good ending structure, perhaps the words a bit cliched

other than that good, I like your use of modern language
[10] NoSage @ 65.178.224.45 | 12-Nov-03/7:38 PM | Reply
Yea, that'll show'er. well spoken, I wish I had read it before the edit, so I'd know how you've spread it
[9] fair12 @ 66.84.225.2 | 13-Nov-03/8:48 AM | Reply
God! This was excellent - I could relate to everything you've listed here. The tone is wonderful - the long suffering - yet not willing to choose the same course - to not shed more tears on a situation that has grown pointless and numb. Wonderful - I'm keeping a copy of this one... I give you a 9.
[10] INTRANSIT @ 64.12.96.46 | 19-Nov-03/9:17 AM | Reply
All green.
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