Free verse № 45438
Mirror to Mirror
Heard have I the unspoken truths
that sit bold yet incognito
lost 'tween your lip
and my cheek.
Many times you've presented
me your mystery
or thrown it in my path
knowing my habit to
cast downwards glances.
And so I shall once more
feign bewilderment,
mock wrestle the knots inside you,
take to bed early with just
a dry kiss and no nightcap.
This charade it pleases you,
silences and stares,
wasted meals,
sentences unfinished
I have played unwitting student
each time.
your chill has solidified
Something molten that
Inside me did flow. So
tonight when beside me
You lie
and sense a change in the linen
or the light or the heat in the room,
Gradually you might realise
That it is my pillow that's different.
It is dry.
17 comments
deep in wintry soil
knows not to die,
I really like these lines, which makes the last line pale a bit next to them. Can you find a way to stick with the image? Maybe. Maybe not?
I lie nestled in wait
Curled like an autumn leaf
Waiting for life.
AUTUMN LEAVES ARE d-e-d DEAD!!!
buds lie culred and waiting, at the tips of the branches. unless you are waiting for the life of the flames--a conflagration to end all conflagrations.
"Waiting to die"
There is some promise here. Think carefully.
Curled like an autumn leaf
Waiting to die
is a brilliant line. I think I steal it from you, after all, I made it work.
Get rid of closed.
Get rid of in ( i will walk your trail)
"kicking dust up as I go"
What the fuck, this needs a deep cleaning, and I'm not giving anything away for free (anymore).
You know what your talking about but you have no skills.
I know that this poem i9s not very good, I wrote it stoned off my face and simply put it on here to get some constructive advice. I knew that there was
a problem with the final image but i had a bit of a mental block and just shoved that line in at the end to give it
some temporary finishing line. You have previously commented positively on my poetry and so this barrage of (as I see it) not
quite insulting and borderline abuse comes as quite a shock. While your advice is somewhat useful several of the revised lines
that you suggested misunderstand the voice and theme of the poem. "I will walk your trail" suggests an image of
following someone's lifestyle, doing things in the same way that they do them where as it was supposed to get across a
sense of following, shadowing a person. I will continue to redraft this poem as is the only way to improve a piece
of work. Please remember that all art forms, including poetry are subjective. The notion of being 'skilled' surely is an objective claim
and cannot be legitimately applied to a subjective practice. Feel free to have that line you invented 'curled like an autumn leaf waiting to die' because a) it
would be totally incoherent as a similie in this poem and b) A curled autumn leaf would already be dead thus the image of it waiting to die would be nonsensical.
Finally, yes I do know what I'm talking about but the question is do you
Perhaps you should maybe see a doctor but if you wanna talk (or write) about it then I'll try and advise you as best i can.
I'm a nurse and have 15yrs. experience with Dr.'s. Most of them are sheep guided by the pharmaceutical companies and the almighty buck-a-runie. I don't go to doctors.
I've been through hell before, in the end I'll be better for it. I believe I'm already through the worst, will see. You already did the most helpful and loving thing you could, you forgave me. Thank you.
the title mirror mirror is a bit overused
good ending structure, perhaps the words a bit cliched
other than that good, I like your use of modern language
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