Re: In response to by INTRANSIT	14-Feb-06/12:56 PM
'I am the deer caught off guard by my own complacent headlights' is fine. I don't think it is meant to be an image so much as a reference to and modification of a cliche.
Re: The Dead Poet's Dream by drnick	20-Feb-06/11:04 AM
This doesn't make any sense. :(
Re: During the Grace by jahnotis	20-Feb-06/11:07 AM
'No one perceived the bullet's path, and naively their heads split open.' Is fine 'No one realized the thorn's approach, and vulnerably their windows remain open.' Is not. How does leaving ones window open let in 'thorns'.
Re: Stealth Assassin (draft) by Mona Lisa	20-Feb-06/11:13 AM
If you are going for pathos I would prescribe attention to small detail rather than writing rape every five seconds.
Re: Gaia and Man by Blue Magpie	27-Feb-06/6:32 AM
Too many commas it makes your sentences long and rambling. I will use one example: 'One evening ‘midst the glory this entails, just as the sun slipped through checkered rails of distant trees whose awesome height curtails, 07 like troubled thoughts, the view that goes beyond the local scenes of which we are so fond, an owl approached and lighted on a frond.' Firstly: '‘midst the glory this entails,' is redundant because you have not changed scene you are already there midst the glory. Then 'whose awesome height curtails,like troubled thoughts, the view that goes beyond the local scenes of which we are so fond,' is utterly garbled. What happens is the height of the trees curtail ('like troubled thoughts' is nonsense) the view. Full stop. Then you see the owl light on a frond through the rails of light full stop. Otherwise you have clauses all over the place. Also reading your replies I sense you are rather pious. Each to his own and all but I don't think writing earnestly is entirely compatible with writing lines such as 'beard of obvious reknown' and using words such as 'awesome'.
Re: Gaia and Man by Blue Magpie	27-Feb-06/6:36 AM
The main problem with this poem however is that it attempts to classify the entire human world by using slogans such as 'If Mankind’s soul is ever to find peace this war against itself must surely cease, and man accept his place as just one piece of a far greater whole, this would increase his understanding,'. It would be more productive for you to examine the minutiae of this world view. Use metaphor that kind of thing.
Re: Empty Chronicles by Scarlett	27-Feb-06/6:44 AM
What is a mulberry binder? I thought binders just held paper.
regarding some deleted poem...	27-Feb-06/6:47 AM
Where are you. I presume church with the handy stained glass and pillar but how do the clouds open in a building.
regarding some deleted poem...	3-Mar-06/9:26 AM
Plagiarist. :(
regarding some deleted poem...	3-Mar-06/1:22 PM
Feckin' emo. :(
Re: A HANGMAN'S MOANING by Dhanesh M Kumar	5-Mar-06/1:36 PM
'Alas doing for the sake of bread' is garbled. Something like 'hanging men for the bread on my table' makes more sense. 'The justice perhaps may'- No 'the' perhaps and maybe mean the same thing (in this context) so you should ditch one. 'Justice may have a thousand reasons' would be more obvious. 'to make him stranglehold' should be 'to strangle him' and the man does not surmount the knot. The knot is atop him. A mind can not realistically be said to be brittle because it is non-material. 'agonized faces many I have seen' should probably be 'I have seen many agonising faces'.
Re: Perils of the Learning Curve by Dovina	21-Mar-06/1:06 PM
I know this is true because it happens on ER and Scrubs all the time.
regarding some deleted poem...	16-Apr-06/2:20 PM
You and I
Re: jay by ecargo	16-Apr-06/2:25 PM
'white blue blue sky swirl flash audacity of bird bowing, chortling.' A couple more articles here please.
Re: Good old days by amanda_dcosta	16-Apr-06/2:35 PM
Decent enough. No need for the last line though. I think we get it by then.
Re: In Ethel’s Honor by Dovina	17-Apr-06/2:36 AM
This is good. There are a couple of parts you lose me though (I don't want an explanation). 'Found somewhere in the trunk Then watched her while it fell again' and 'He poked a stick down through The pot and nailed it to the ground Then he stood and waited'
Re: Lovely Independence by Sunny	17-Apr-06/12:25 PM
The last line is a bit tame. I like the enjambment in the main, my mood/changes especially.
Re: Old River Sherbourne by Caducus	17-May-06/3:10 AM
I believe Canute was demonstrating the limits of kingly power to his subjects.
Re: Old River Sherbourne by Caducus	17-May-06/3:12 AM
Like most of it. Slaughter, tombs and grave are a bit overwrought though.
regarding some deleted poem...	17-May-06/3:24 AM
what do you think parfaited means then.