Re: 72 virgins (but the bitches ain't fun) by ALChemy	17-May-06/2:29 PM
72 virgins are ace because they are pure and virtuous. In heaven on must forsake any thoughts of sin for they can't be lived out. There are only souls in heaven. No bones. :(
Re: The Prodigal Daughter by Dovina	17-May-06/2:33 PM
'She knew her life’s pattern; her ethics were set'. Don't like this. It is just stating the plot. Show don't tell.
Re: test by zanzina	17-May-06/2:38 PM
If the test is to see whether people will vote for any old bum then -10-
Re: Brains for Barter by Dovina	10-Jan-07/12:22 PM
The last line is a bit of a let down. It's the right idea but the image needs to be more interesting. The language in the first verse is a bit flakey.
regarding some deleted poem...	10-Jan-07/2:37 PM
I don't think 'for the captain's log' fits in here. What do you mean by it in the context of the poem.
Re: Same old rancour (a yellow stream of consciousness) by ecargo	15-Jan-07/2:10 PM
I like pratfallen. To fall on one's buttocks. Very apt.
Re: Fanatic by Dovina	15-Jan-07/2:18 PM
Is this about how people who know things mock people who don't know things because people who know things have not received 'gentleness'. I think it is.
regarding some deleted poem...	22-Jan-07/2:34 PM
Jade Goody gave you a woody. Dear God.
regarding some deleted poem...	22-Jan-07/2:38 PM
I guess it's about how man is absorbed into the earth at death and enriches the soil and the life cycle goes on. OK then.
regarding some deleted poem...	22-Jan-07/3:08 PM
A couple of places I lose the thread. S2 half empty- what is and what is wiped up with napkins. I prefer messed up on Mr Clean/after losing a bet to messed up on Mr Clean/ fumes inhaled after losing a bet. Lose the thread again on Frazzled by freakonauts fresh from maternity leave, a spitting image of June Cleaver’s son Beaver. What is and what relevance has it. And finally I know pre-empting rhymes but it is not quite the correct word imo.
Re: Molecules of Paint by Dovina	22-Jan-07/3:23 PM
If you are looking to edit it I would start by distilling the list of colours and trees into a couple of lines. And don't repeat yourself about the whole paint on a scene palette thing. I don't think the colours of leaves mix either.
Re: Controlled Euthanasia by Dovina	28-Jan-07/1:46 PM
I read the gud one. The only bit I liked was the end when she found him with peanut butter and struggling with a loaf of bread. I'm not sure the poem makes any sense though.
regarding some deleted poem...	28-Jan-07/1:59 PM
This doesn't make much sense. The first verse sounds very poetic and all but what does it mean. The bit about words walking, flying, buried under pine trees again how is that true. None of it tracks.
regarding some deleted poem...	28-Jan-07/2:09 PM
I don't know about the last line. Bathetic is I think the word for it.
Re: Alternatives by Dovina	29-Jan-07/1:01 PM
Who do we admit defeat to. The other side resembles the volcano God. We placate it by being sufficiently beastly to the Jewish people and crossing our fingers that it will not erupt. We can't actually talk to it. And what is this technology? Is it a humane way of wasting people? The free range chicken method of genocide. We can only hope.
Re: Solving Freud's Conflict (not a weather poem) by nypoet22	29-Jan-07/1:04 PM
Cute.
Re: Stream of Consciousness (#2) by MacFrantic	29-Jan-07/1:17 PM
If this is your stream of consciousness you must think hella slow.
Re: David at the Firing by coldiron	5-Feb-07/2:57 PM
The first verse-- dear God. The embdashes from then on are utterly misused (the one after shaping is ok at a push). The ending is too abrupt. Having said that I like the idea that they put his ashes in a pot he was shaping because he died at a potter's wheel. I would go for more descriptive language for how the pot is being raised.
Re: Tea,One Night Stands and Smores by Bethy	5-Feb-07/3:02 PM
I liked this bit: 'honey, was my need./He handed me sugar,/his number,more tea. That he was called Jeff amused me forced rhyme?
regarding some deleted poem...	5-Feb-07/3:03 PM
If this is a limerick then I am a banana.