| Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments |
|
During the Grace (Free verse) by jahnotis And neither the Lights suffered,
nor did they shine divine,
yet their reflection deepened,
while nations tarry unaware.
No one realized the thorn's approach,
and vulnerably their flanks remain open.
And neither the Lights suffered,
nor did they shine as fine,
yet their rays inspire,
while man tarries unaware.
No one predicted the curse of envy,
and gullibly their gates lie open.
And neither the Lights suffered,
nor did they shine in line,
yet their splendor intensified,
while countries tarry unaware.
No one perceived the bullet's path,
and naively their heads split open.
© By jmalone
Up the ladder:
Read me
Down the ladder:
Even Santa Takes Trimer-Spa
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 3.5
Posted: February 19, 2006 5:21 PM PST; Last modified: February 20, 2006 5:50 PM PSTWeighted score: 4.928861 Overall Rank: 9216 Comments:
To be grammatical, "neither" would have to come before "suffered", not before "lights". Alternately, you can say (somewhat archaicly) "neither did the lights suffer, nor did they shine..." (note the tense.)
"tarry" should be "tarried". Or the whole thing should be in present tense, one or the other. "realized" in the sense you've got it means, like, "I realized my dreams". That is, "my dreams came into being". I think you mean "recognized the thorn's approach." And you ought to drop "vulnerably" from the next line, since flanks being open MEANS something's vulnerable; and again, "remain" should be past tense. Third stanza: Again, try to keep the tense consistent. By the third and fourth stanzas, the "nor did they shine" lines seem more for rhyme than making sense. That said, the last stanza's the best, although I think, politically speaking, this poem is tripe. 138 view(s)
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
and naively their heads split open.' Is fine
'No one realized the thorn's approach,
and vulnerably their windows remain open.' Is not. How does leaving ones window open let in 'thorns'.